MY LIFE - NOVEMBER

Social Experiment #287 - Thursday, November 14, 2002

I didn't get much sleep last night. Let's get that out of the way before I get any weird e-mails asking what the hell is going on in this entry. I woke up with some weird ideas in my head and they only got weirder as the day went. I can only ask that you bear with me and try to make some sense out of what I'm about to do.

*Cue generic commercial music*

New, from the innovator of free thinking and deciding that you shouldn't care what people think, comes the great new weight loss program that actually works! Yes, in a matter of several months, you can have the great body that you've always desired at a fraction of the cost! Only a prestigious doctor such as Dr. Smelzlikascam could come up with such a great program, so here to explain just how his new diet works, here's Dr. Smelzlikascam himself...

*Enter bizarre looking man...could be a woman for all you know*

Thank you.

*Looks into camera*

Now I'm sure you're wondering just what my secret formula is for losing weight. Before I go into that, let me start by saying all those quick-fix pills and drinks are a complete waste of money! Why spend thirty or fourty bucks on a small bottle of pills that do absolutely jack (expletive) when it comes to losing weight? Wouldn't you rather put that money towards something worth your while? I believe so, that's why I developed a new kind of weight loss program, one that can succeed for everyone.

The secret to the sucess of the program is behind the notion of eating less, more healthy foods and actually getting off your (expletive) instead of sitting inside on your computer, watching tv, or playing those worthless video games. It's hard to believe, but it can actually work.

Now, I know you're grimacing at the thought of actually having to do something other than pop a pill, but what those pill (expletive) don't tell you is that you still have to exercise when taking the pills or drinking the shakes. My weight loss program throws the exercise portion right in your face. You can choose from a wide array of workout videos, or one of our highly trained professionals* can actually be assigned to overlook your entire lifestyle!

Imagine, having your own trainer to help keep you on the right path! Have the urge for a chocolate pudding snack? The sound of a heavy bullwhip will change your mind in a heartbeat. Want to skip tonight's regiment of heavy lifting and push-ups? Electroshock...er...gentle prodding helps ease that notion out of youro mind.

Sure, it may take some time, but eventually you'll start to see that fat slip away and be replaced by the nice, trim body that you've always wanted! Just listen to these success stories!

*shot of middle-aged man covered in scars*

"I didn't believe it would work, but that whip sure convinced me otherwise!" *Fake smile* "Thanks Dr. Smelzlikascam!"

*shot of younger woman who just looks like hell*

"I admit, it was hard at first, but after a couple months, you lose all sense of touch, so the beatings don't hurt so bad!" *winces*

You see, the program is a great success. Eat less, eat healthy, and work out at all costs and you'll see the results. If not, you're money is fully refundable** and we'll apologize profusely for nearly killing you...er, not helping you the way we are capable. This is risk-free***, and you're under no obligation to continue if you feel dissatisfied****.

Just call the simple, toll-free number, 1-888-it-hurts, and for a small fee*****, we'll send you an information packet and instructions how to get actually get involved in the program.

Trust me, you won't regret it!

*in basic combat and weapons use...**refund refused after two weeks in program; furthermore, you can't request a refund until three weeks have passed...***if you survive, it's risk-free; if you die, we are not held liable...****but you won't be cause you paid so much, right?...*****fee is $99.95 and doesn't inclue $199.99 start-up cost, $49.99 transportation fee, and other applicable fees...total cost of program estimated at $2999.99, but no one's ever made it that far...

*end commercial*

That's both a parody and what I believe should be the case all in one. It's a parody of all the weight-loss gimmicks that continuously seem to pop up all the time, whether it be a pill or some sort of shake, or one of those completely ludricous ideas that come out every now and then.

It also reflects my belief that the only real way to lose weight is to eat right and exercise. I know this goes against most Americans' way of life, but think about the high number of heart disease and cholesterol problems that this country has. These people aren't getting sick for no reason, but rather because of unhealthy lifestyles.

Now I'll admit, I don't eat the best. I make up for it by being pretty active. In the summer, I'm constantly rollerblading or doing something that keeps me from being completely complacent. I also run around all day at work, so that keeps me from gaining weight.

However, this goes against the American way of quick-fixes and easy solutions to enormous problems. The thought that popping a pill, whether it be the prescription drugs Meridia or Xenical, or especially the over-the-counter drugs, to lose weight is absurd. Everyone thinks that all you have to do is take that pill once a day for a certain amount of time and BOOM! You'll lose weight instantly.

What people fail to realize is that most of those pills only reduce your appetite. There's no drug out there that can make you lose weight. You still have to do the little thing called exercising. This seems to be what fails people when they get on these medicines. They think, pop a pill, wait for results. It's never going to be that easy. You still have to get out and do something.

However, that seems to be too much to ask of most people. Exercising is a foreign subject to just about all kids that are growing up nowadays. These kids are large and they're only getting bigger. Complacent lifestyles, television, video games, and other things contribute to this. I used to play video games as much as the next person growing up, but I spent about 75% of my time running around outside. If it was raining, that's when I was in playing games.

It doesn't seem to be quite as bad among people my age, at least not at Tri-C. Yes, I see large people my age all the time, but today for example, there were around 23 of us in the main building and only one person was overweight (but boy was she ever). Everyone else was at least in decent shape.

It's just a sad state of society where yet another big problem is relegated to quick fix status. I do not know of a pharmacist that I've ever worked with who'd recommend taking any of the pills available, and they'd hesitate with the shakes too. You just can't lose weight that quick like the commercials say you can.

Think about this: for every person who successful uses a certain diet and loses weight quickly, 100 other people don't lose any at all and another 20-30 actually gain weight. You have to do more than just pop a pill or eat less. You still have to work off what you put on and exercising is a surprisingly effective way of doing that.

Evidently that makes too much sense though. You know what? It's your body. You do what you think is best.

---

I see a lot of questions online concerning online relationships and if you'd get into one or not. I read these with interest because if you didn't know this already, I've been involved in two of these, although the first one really wasn't anything more than just good friends. The second one was serious though and I can't just brush it off as something that was just an experiment.

The bottom line with those kind of relationships is that they're really hard to keep up. The difficulty is magnified the farther you are from that person as well, so maintaining a relationship with someone who's in the same state as you is infinitely easier than with someone across the country (or world if you go that route). My second one was with a girl I still talk to named Jen. She lives in Ohio like I do. She knows what I look like (duh, who doesn't now) and I used to have an older pic of her, but that's on my other hard drive from the computer I lost in the fire.

The possibility of the relationship working is directly dependant on the people involved. If both of you are really sure of it and want it to work, it's going to work better than with two people where one person isn't so sure. The distance thing comes into play with this as well. Are you going to be able to see each other, or is it one of those situations where you'll never meet but like to think you will?

I'm kind of in the middle on that kind of a relationship myself. I would like to know that I can see the girl I'm with on a regular basis, therefore, I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who's in another state or across the country. I mean, if the girl's in Michigan or Pennsylvania, it's a possibility depending on what part, but I prefer to stay in Ohio right now.

I need to be able to see the girl I'm with, so it would have to be in driving distance for me to even think about it, which is why I'm pursuing this girl I've been talking to online. She doesn't live that far from me (and would be even closer if I choose to go to Ohio State) and I could see her on a pretty regular basis. That's important to me.

However, I am not going to knock someone for getting into a relationship if they feel they can do it. I'm not one of those people who believes that they're impossible, they're just real hard. More power to anyone who can make that kind of thing work, it's just not for me right now.

They're just hard and more likely to fail than anything else. It's too easy to one day be out and meet someone that completely knocks you off your feet, someone you can actually see all the time. Not all people are like this, but a lot are. It's only human and there's nothing wrong with it.

It's just not really for me.

---

I don't even want to talk about school right now. I feel ashamed of my score on my chemistry exam and even more ashamed of what it did to my overall score. I'm not going to disclose it so don't even waste your time asking.

Instead, I'll talk about what goes into me buying a CD. I listen to rap. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows that I don't just like rap, I do like everything else, I just prefer to listen to rap above all other kinds of music. I'm not biased against any kind of music, so don't treat me that way.

I need to hear at least three or four good songs off a CD before I'll buy it. I don't just buy a CD because I recognize the name (although there are exceptions), I buy it because I heard some of the songs and found them to be to my liking.

I don't really listen to rap for the lyrics. They don't apply to me except in extreme cases and it pretty much all revolves around violence, women as bitches, and street life. I don't relate to any of those things, I just get a kick out of listening to them.

It's the music that can draw me in. I song with decent lyrics but a great track behind the words will suck me in as much as a deep song. I love good music on a song and some of my favorite songs are often the most melodic songs you'll hear in rap.

Sure, good lyrics will help a rapper's cause, but there aren't really any profound messages in rap anymore. There aren't any political statements being made (and no, saying fuck the police is not a statement), no lyrics on the morality questions of what a rapper has done in his/her life, nothing that can really move me. One of the most recent exceptions is "What Can I Do" by Scarface w/Faith Evans. Not only is it a really deep song lyrically, but the music behind the lyrics is outstanding as well, a song that I can truly get into.

Then again, rap has mostly been about making you move, not making you think. You don't go to a club to hear a rap song that has something to say, you go to a club to hear a rap song that'll make you dance (which would explain why Nelly is so popular). I kind of sit in the middle. I do love songs that'll make me feel upbeat and wanna move, but I also like songs that have a beat that I can just sit and relax too, nothing too loud, nothing too out of control. Bounce is okay, but laid-back suits me more.

It's the same with any other kind of music though. A good song with good music will move me regardless of what kind of music is or what the song's about.

That's what goes into buying a CD for me.

---

The following are ways to get a reaction out of people, whether it be good, bad, or please get them the hell away from me, plus things that don't make sense or you wouldn't want to try...

While in a grocery store with a friend (more if needed), find the prepackaged subs and start wielding them like lightsabers, making all the noises if necessary. If yelled at, take off running while yelling "the force is strong in that one!"

Guys, try this once. It'll get a hell of a reaction. Go to the feminine hygiene and start looking at all the tampons and pads. Eventually, someone will show up and ask if you need any help. Look at them and with a straight face, ask "which is the one that you shove in the hole?"

Again, for the guys. Grab several boxes of pads and tampons, dump them on the checkout counter, and mumble to yourself "hopefully these make it through the week this time..." while shaking your head.

For the girls, grab a box of one of the supersized condoms and find the youngest looking cashier that you can, preferably someone who looks like they just started and is very, very shy. Take the box of condoms, place them on the counter, and say in a very perky voice "I hope that these at least fit on him."

While in a group of people, continuously look around nervously, going from one person to another. After a few minutes blurt out "Who keeps touching my ass?" and then go running from the room crying.

When with a group of strangers, start making all these snorting noises and after a few minutes, say "whoa, that one tasted kind of weird..." and resume snorting.

Yell out "I'm not going to have sex with you" at the most unassuming person you can find.

If you're a girl, while in the middle of a crowded room, yell out "Son of a bitch...I forgot my pad/tampon again!"

Try to see how many spitballs you can get to stick on the wall/chalkboard before your teacher notices.

Fall out of your desk in school, look next to you, and say "dammit, will you stop yanking me out of my chair" before getting back up and sitting again. Repeat in approximately 15 minutes.

You may be able to "catch a tiger by its toe," but I dare you to try and grab it by its tail.

If nursery rhymes are supposed to be good stories for children at night, why is something always getting hurt, killed, or in a dangerous predicament?

Girls, go up to some random guy and tell him that you'll give him head if he'll jab a spoon or fork (preferably a fork) up his ass afterwards. If for some god-forsaken reason one of them agrees, make him jab the utensil first, then walk away laughing without doing a thing to him.

Guys, go up to a girl who just happens to be holding a rack, and say "Hey, nice rack." Do this as often as possible and keep track of how many times you're insulted or slapped.

Girls, go up to a guy and ask he'd be willing to let you kick him in the balls in exchange for the best night of sex of his life. Fail to mention that he has to blindfolded and it's with an animal. See how many agree.

Finally, don't believe a word I say, nor should you do any of the above unless your really, really, crazy enough to do so. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I thought of all these myself and I have thought of more, but they'll have to wait for a later day.

Sorry if some of them are sick. I'm just going for pure laughs right now.