MY LIFE - NOVEMBER

Thursday, November 16, 2000

Today was one of those days where good and bad things happened, but the good things outshined the bad for a change of pace. There wasn't any snipping going on at work for the most part, aside from the usual comments. It wasn't overly crazy tonight, which was a drastic change of pace from Tuesday night when all hell broke loose. Regina was being fairly nice to me for a change.

Of course, my fingers have been numb for most of the night, making typing a complete adventure to say the least. This happens once in a while where my fingers feel cold, even though it's like 72° in my room. It makes absolutely no sense and makes typing interesting at best. I'm constantly backing up and correcting silly mistakes. More than once, "people" comes out as "peole" and that just doesn't work.

It also hurts a little to type once the feeling starts to return fully, but that usually doesn't happen until I'm typing something important. When I'm trying to type fast to get a response in or say something to someone I'm talking to, it can be a real challenge. I cannot type like this, but I try to anyway. It's almost like I have nothing better to do than to type all night.

Today was a pretty decent day though. I found out that there's some interest in me becoming the lead tech and Steve told me that my district manager wanted to talk about it tomorrow when I go to work. I'm sure he does. He'll do what every district manager I've ever had has done and not even say a thing to me. I already know that one of the techs, Linda, wants to be the lead tech. She was looking for information on it tonight.

I don't know if that's a good idea. She's not always that great to work with and her mouth is going to eventually get her in trouble. She also complains about the company and the way things go in the store. I frankly do not feel like listening to her either. She may have seniority at the store, but not with the company. She still makes a lot of mistakes filling scripts, mistakes that I make a lot less often.

But I'm not going to get into a fight over being lead tech. If someone decides that she can be lead tech, then let her be one. Let her take on the extra responsibility and see how much she likes it. I'm not so sure either of us is right for it. We'll find out what happens. If I get to it first, then that's all there is to it. If she does, then that settles it too. I'm not going to turn this into a contest.

I have two years experience in the pharmacy. She has one. We'll see how that all plays out.

Another less than stelling thing from today? The little piles of white goo lying all over my car from the birds in this city. That's the one thing about living in Cleveland. There are wires and tree branches above the driveway, typically where you need to park. The result is an occasional mess on my windshield or hood of my car. I mean occasional in that there will be a couple messes every few days that eventually wash away.

Today was silly though. There were at least eight on my hood alone, three more on my windshield to boot. I didn't even want to look at the top of my car to see if there was anything there too. It's silly because it looks like my car has spots, little white ones with black in the middle. It's sick to look at too because you know it's bird crap.

I can't even wash my car right now because I work late and it's too cold to do anything like that. So I have to sit and deal with driving a car that looks like it was the victim of target practice by the birds in our neighborhood, which was the case.

It wasn't that bad of a day though. I did get to talk to a couple people tonight before they went to bed and one other person e-mailed me. I didn't even know she had been online. See, when I open up my browser, my instant messenger automatically opens up. Since I don't usually have my speakers on, I don't hear it open up or any of the noises that indicate someone's online. The only way I usually find out is when someone sends me an instant message.

I have Netscape 6, which is why my instant messenger opens up automatically. It's integrated into the browser. I just never have the side panel opened up to view my buddy list. I don't know anyone's on. I forget that I'm even signed on. That's part of the reason why I don't send instant messages to anyone. I don't sign on solely to talk. I sign on to check my mail, update my web site, and check out a couple of sites.

I'm sorry if anyone's been confused by this or wondering what's wrong with me. I'm just lazy and don't turn on my speakers or even check to see if anyone's online.

I'm not a people person. I don't go looking for conversations. I'll talk if you say something to me, but I don't usually intitiate much unless I'm really comfortable talking to you. It's just the way I am.

---

It's supposed to snow a little bit tomorrow and a little more over the course of the weekend. I really am looking forward to it simply because I do like snow. I like it a lot and find it very peaceful, even when driving in it. It gives me a reason to slow down and just watch it fall. Many times during heavy snowfalls I've gone and driven through the Metroparks. It's something else to see the snow falling and gently landing on the trees and the ground below.

As long as you have control of the car, it's fun to drive in. If you're alone, you can get away with sliding around and the Metroparks aren't exactly packed most nights when it snows. It gives me a chance to get away and just look at things from a calm perspective. I can think about what's going on and understand situations I'm in so much better.

I'll be up front and admit that I'm a cuddler all the way. I think that having someone to hold while under a large blanket during a snow storm sounds like a really good time, something really romantic. I hope that I get the chance to experience that too. I would be very happy in that situation because it's who I am. The snow's falling outside, I'd be inside with my girlfriend (assuming that I have one, which I don't right now) under a heavy blanket with maybe some hot chocolate or something.

It would be a great time to just talk about things. Snow falling makes it very easy for me to reflect and is one of the few things that really makes me feel comfortable. I've always liked watching it and I've always loved playing in the snow. Sled riding is something I still do every winter and something that I don't intend to stop doing ever. I like it too much, even though it is a little dangerous with me around. I don't always go in a straight line or finish how I started. I've ended up stopping while facing the opposite direction that I started.

I like snow. I like cold weather, although when it gets below 25°, I start to get crabby. I've always been like that though and doubt I'll ever change. I was born in October, which while that isn't exactly a day where we see snow around here, it is close enough to winter for me to use that as an excuse.

But I make no excuses or feel any shame for how I look at snow and winter. If you don't like it, then just move on and don't worry about it. If you agree, then great. But I feel the way I feel.

---

My cat's been real lovable lately and I'm wondering why that is. She keeps trying to get in my lap even though there's not much room for her to lay in from me sitting close to my desk while typing. She's also been sleeping on my bed right next to me at least part of the night and I'm wondering what's with the affection from her. She always shows me a little love (she is my cat after all), but it's been really strong lately.

She's constantly next to me and is constantly looking for the attention, something that she's not usually prone to look for. It isn't always easy to give it too since she sheds so much. I pet her and the fur goes flying and my allergies go beserk. It's also so unusual that I wonder what it's all about when she does this. Did she miss me or is she looking for something?

I don't know the answer. I don't speak cat. The meows and little noises, they don't translate into anything, especially when she has food and water. She's probably telling me to clean the litter boxes, although she usually gets pissy when that's the case, so I'm not sure on it. Morgue has been pissy lately and I know what his problem is. He only uses one litter box and never the other one, so he won't go to the other one even if the one he likes to use is packed.

He gets a little more voracious in those cases. He'll attack me for no reason other than because I'm standing in the room. He goes for your feet, which isn't the nicest place to be attacked in most cases, especially when barefoot. He bites hard too, so you can't miss it when he gets you.

I'll clean it soon enough. Stop trying to eat my feet now.

On a sadder note, Shadow, our oldest cat, is probably on her last leg. She's having some problems with her kidneys, which means her blood isn't being filtered properly. The end result is she's a cat who needs some Depends because she can't control her bladder. It's a terrible condition because it isn't reversible. We can treat it, but can't stop it.

This leaves my mom and sister in an agonizing decision. Do you just put the cat to sleep knowing that not much can be done, or do you try to treat it with cimetidine tablets (Tagament), a method she does not like one bit? I don't know what to say in this case. Shadow has been around 10 years and is always a goofball when she feels good.

Right now though? I don't know. I don't know if you try to give her medicine. I don't know if you put her to sleep. These kind of decisions...I don't want to have to make in my life. I would rather my cat die in her sleep than me have to choose between medicating her (even though it won't stop the problem) or putting her to sleep. I know people who don't have pets are wondering what the agony's all about, but it isn't easy.

You grow to love these animals. You don't want to go a day without them around, especially after 10 years. Shadow represents the link between the first cats I remember us having (Mittens and Sheena) and the current crop.

Fuck. It isn't an easy decision for my mom and older sister, especially my older sister since Shadow's her cat. I hope they make one and stick with it though. I just don't know what to tell them.

It's sad either way.