Saturday, November 27, 2004

I'm still battling the infection mentioned in my last entry. Yes, it's been around for a week now and in that time I've lost my voice for three days and am just now getting it back today.

It is so hard to work in retail when you don't have a voice.

Meanwhile, forget talking on the phone at all. I tried talking to one girl, Amanda and it was just so hard to do. I did it because I thought she was into me though.

I have since realized that probably isn't true.

Even if it still is, she committed a cardinal sin with me. She has my screen name blocked on aim. How do I know? I signed in with my other, older screen name and saw she was online. Whatever the reason is, I don't care for anyone who blocks my screen name. You don't wanna talk anymore? Just say so.

So needless to say, I was a bit miffed about that one even though she did call me last night. However, it seems like it's just another case of someone lying to me about how they felt.

I have to come to realize that I need to just focus on the people who have proven already that they care, not those who say they do, but those who've shown it. People like Lisa who has been the only girl I've met in the last few months that bothers to still talk to me either on or offline. People like Mahryah, who's already showing that she cares, even if she's several states away and in a relationship. It's not about that finding a girl to date. It's about finding friends first.

I guess it's a difficult concept for most to understand.

Speaking of Lisa, she was supposed to call me today, but she didn't. Know what? It doesn't bother me in the least. The girl has already shown me that if she doesn't call, it's not because she doesn't want to, it's because she gets wrapped up in what's going on and just forgets. She has a lot of friends. She has a hectic life. She's trying to find herself. I can forgive a lot of what she does.

There are people who care. Those are the people I need to worry about, not these halfwits who talk to me and say they want to get to know me, that they're interested in me in anyway. Anyone who's started talking to me only to stop after a while, this is directed at you. I have never said anything to anyone that I didn't mean at the time. It's not my problem that you either don't believe me or think it's just lip service.

With that said, I heard a song playing while I was working that really got me thinking. What's bizarre is I don't even like the song I heard, but the overall theme is close to how I want to feel.

First of all, I want to be in a position where I'm with a girl, even casually dating, and she will just look at me, smile, and all her friends know how she feels, or all my friends know. That's an amazing feeling to know that someone likes you that much.

Sometimes I think I do want to feel like I'm some girl's hero, there to remind her that there are good guys out there who aren't going to cheat, who will pay attention, and who will do whatever it takes to keep that girl happy. It would be an incredible feeling to know that some girl looks at me that way, feels that about me, and all because I was just being me.

I think a lot of us want to feel that way. We see the downtrodden people among the opposite sex and we can't help but think "what if I could pick them up; make them feel better?" I know I've felt it a few times while looking at a girl that appeared to be sad.

It's why I was attracted to Lisa initially. Yes, I knew she was good-looking, but I also knew that something terrible had happened to her. I knew that it was a chance for me to step in, lift her up, and show her that not every guy is out there to hurt her. Not because of any pride or ego trip, but because that's the way I am and because I like her as a person.

She's not perfect, but then no one is. I don't like when a girl seems perfect. I don't know why. Maybe it has to do with the fact that in her presence, I'd almost feel inferior because I know I'm not perfect, not even close.

I'm drawn to girls like Lisa though, not because it's easier to get with them (because it certainly isn't), but because I feel a sense of accomplishment when I know that she trusts me, that she knows she can turn to me when she needs someone. I like feeling like I'm making a difference in some way, that I'm important.

I want to feel like I can help a girl when she has a problem, that I can be a support beam for her when she needs it. I like knowing that someone can count on me and will when they need to.

It's why I feel the need to again keep concentrating on Lisa. I probably will never date the girl. That's not the intention of what I'm doing with her and never has been, even though there was a point where I thought it was possible. The goal is to help her regain some trust in people, realize that not everyone is out there to fuck her over. If the worst thing that happens is we become good friends and she completely trusts me, I'll be happy. Anything else is just a bonus.

Do I want to be Lisa's hero? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I can, but then I remember she doesn't want that out of me. She doesn't want me to do anything she doesn't ask for and right now, she's not asking for much. The one thing I can do is answer when she calls, listen to her, and remind her that I care about her.

Because I do. I don't have to meet her to know that she's worth the time. I don't have to meet her to care. I could go the rest of my life and never meet her, but be satisfied if I helped her get through all the shit she's been going through.

I want to remind everyone again that this has nothing to do with trying to have a relationship with her. This is just as a friend. If you don't believe me, well, I have nothing to say to you then. I do this for friends, not just girls I'm interested in dating.

There is no other motivation needed for me to take care of someone other than me caring about them. I would do the same thing for Mike, Jen, or Sarah that I'm doing with Lisa.

I don't expect anything in return. I'm not trying to get in Lisa's pants. I'm not trying win any favors from her. I'm just doing what I was raised to do, and that's care.

If that means trying to be someone's hero, then so be it.

---

I love to sit and read other people's journals, especially when they have a lot going on. There's just something about reading other people's drama that sucks me in, makes me want to know more, or in some cases, leave a message with my opinion on what's happened.

In doing so, I've realized that at times, I've been too candid with a lot of what I've written in both this site and my other journal I have online. In many cases, I mentioned names when I probably would've been better served just mentioning the person in a vague sense, especially when it comes to girls.

Let's face it, over the last couple of months, every couple of entries introduces you to a new girl that has caught my interest.

There are a couple of factors that cause this to happen. One, it doesn't take much for me to be interested in someone. If the girl seems like she cares about me or is interested in me in the least, it gets my hopes up.

I'm currently in the process of correcting that since it's causing me a world of pain.

Two, I tend to talk to multiple girls at a time, not trying to "play" one girl or another, but to keep my options open if one or two girls lose interest. As a result, the girl that seems most interested gets most of my attention while the rest barely hear from me.

This too creates a world of pain as more often than not, the one that seems most interested suddenly becomes disinterested and I'm back to square one since the other girls want nothing to do with me either.

Three, I have oodles of free time to talk to these girls. Honestly, if I had more "real" friends, I probably wouldn't be on much and therefore, harder to reach. Talking online to me would be a rarer event than it is and those who are legitimately interested would be easier to weed out from those who aren't. You know a girl that really wants to get to know me would be excited if I suddenly came on after not being on for a day or two. Or if I meet a girl out and about, if I wasn't able to answer my phone every second of the day, it would make when we do talk that much more meaningful.

It's a fine line for me to walk though. I like going online. I like talking to a lot of you. Some of my best friends are those I talk to online and nowhere else.

But I am on too much. There are other things I could be doing. There are places I could be. I am becoming more outgoing, but if I were to get out more, make some new friends, I could spend more time doing things that are fun and active, rather than sitting on my ass in a chair.

Besides, as much as I like talking online, I would much rather talk to someone on the phone or in person. I like being able to tell someone's emotions, see their expressions, feel the energy in their voice. You just can't replace that.

In no way am I saying that I'm going to go offline. I am saying that instead of being on several times a day, sometimes for an hour or more, I might only be on once, and only for fifteen minutes so I can check messages.

Those I can convert to talking on the phone (keep in mind I have a cell phone with free long distance) will stand the best chance of talking to me. I won't shut everyone else out since I know some of you won't be able to do that, but I would prefer to talk on the phone. It's more fun and it tends to be pretty lively when I'm in the right mood.

If anything, my time online will be used to write again, something I haven't done too much of the last few months.

This is something I feel needs to be done.

Of course, this probably won't last long since most of you probably won't want to talk on the phone, but it's a nice thing to try.

I just feel it necessary to do to continue my evolution as a person.

As for finding the right girl? Never has it been more evident that I need to let her find me.

I can be dense, but I think I'll know when the time is right.