Wednesday, December 1, 2004

It's amazing the number of looks I get when I tell someone I'm being quiet because I'm thinking. The first thing asked of me is usually "what are you thinking about" or something along those lines.

I rarely can answer this question, which in the past has strained relationships with women. Megan always used to ask me this and I couldn't answer most of the time, leading her to accuse me of not wanting to share my thoughts with her. Tabitha was worse, shutting me out equally as if I were doing it to piss her off.

I've often said it, I don't talk about what I'm thinking because I don't want to, but because I can't usually place those thoughts into the proper words. There's a lot racing through this mind of mine and I can't possibly explain all the things in most cases.

Sometimes I can though and I find it intriguing the responses I get when I can easily talk about what I was thinking about.

Tuesday while working I was having a good day. I was joking around with Sarah, Peggy, and everyone else as if I had never been sick (nevermind that I'm still fighting the remnants of this infection I've had). I was outgoing, laughing, and generally having a good time.

At some point, I started to think. I thought about all the girls I've talked to. I thought about all the times I felt my hopes go up because a girl said she was interested and "definitely" wanted to meet me sometime soon. I thought about all the moments I felt like I mattered to someone, only to have it go by the wayside for some unspecified reason.

I thought about all these things and realized to myself that I had been going about things the wrong way, that I was letting myself fall into these traps repeatedly. This weighed on me heavily and Sarah noticed I was quiet all of a sudden. She must have asked over and over again what was wrong, but nothing was wrong. I told her I was thinking about a lot of different things.

Later when we were waiting for Lennie to get to his apartment so we could go out for the night, I told her what I was thinking about and it started a discussion about dating and things of that nature.

What I'm about to write was partly talked about.

I've spent a lot of time worrying about finding a girlfriend. Those who have known me and known what I want by talking to me know this. It is the one thing I want more than anything else right now and I don't hide it. Therein lies my problem though. Because I worry about it, because I want it so bad, when an opportunity seems to present itself, I get too wrapped up in it, get too involved and end up making the other person intensely uncomfortable. One girl, just a day after telling me she couldn't wait to meet me had me blocked on AIM. I know she did because I went on with my other screen name and saw her online. When I called her later, she was typing while we talked, but claimed she wasn't going to go online until later.

This has become typical and a lot of it is due to my lack of patience. I want something to happen so bad that I force the issue and ultimately make the girl I'm talking to uncomfortable.

In trying to find a girlfriend, I got away from what made me so easy-going earlier in the year. Back then, I didn't worry about it and just let things go the way they were meant to go. I almost landed Molly, and I feel that's where all this trouble starts. That near-success, that time with her influenced me to try to find a girl after that didn't work out. I realized I missed all the things in a relationship more than I was letting on and instead of taking a step back and relaxing, I pressed. I tried to make something happen. I tried to force things.

I'd go out and couldn't have fun because I'd see all these guys dancing with these girls, making connections, getting close, and I couldn't bring myself to join in the fun. I got wrapped up in my emotions, letting them drive what I was doing, making it insanely hard to have fun.

I realized yesterday that I can't do that anymore. I have to go back to what was working before. Yes, I still want a girlfriend, but I'm not going to go out and pursue every single girl that looks my way. I have to know somehow, someway that the interest is real, not just an act. I want it proven to me now. Saying it is no longer going to be enough.

That extends to the friendship level. I have too many people on my buddy list who do not talk to me, whether or not I im them first or not. There have been too many conversations where once we get past the "how was your day" question, there's nothing else to talk about, the girl is not interested in talking about anything.

From now on, before I can even think about a relationship with a girl, you have to prove to me that you're serious about being a friend to me. Once that's done and we've hung out a few times, then we'll think about dating. No longer will there be this two day period of "sweet" talk to win my attention. If you're serious about talking to me, you'd better be for real.

The same thing applies to going out. I decided yesterday that I was going to go out, enjoy the night, and just let things happen naturally. I was going to have fun and not spend half the night moping because I don't feel I belong. I know I really don't fit in with what most girls want, but I also know that there are girls who'd dance with me if I had the balls to dance with them. I know I can have fun. It's not me yet, but it can be. Lennie and his friend forced me to realize this last night when we hit the dance floor.

I had fun last night. I do not need to drink a lot to have fun. I don't need to be "hooking" up with any girl who shows interest in me to have fun. I just need to be around people who give a shit about me and who want me around. Then whatever happens while I'm out I deal with. If I meet a girl, great. If I dance with a girl, great. If I don't, then I'm still going to have fun.

I really don't want to meet a girl that way though. I've seen it happen way too much where a girl and guy will hook-up, have a great night together, then within days aren't talking anymore because the hook-up was all because of alcohol. I've been burned by this twice and I'm not going to do it again.

I'm simply not going out to look for a fling. That's not what I want. If I'm going to spend the night with a girl, it's because we're either good friends and I'm just keeping her company (yes, it is possible for a girl and guy to spend the night together and it not revolve around sex), or because we've been really close and she wants to have me around more that way.

It's simple why it has to be that way with me though. I get attached when I even kiss a girl, much less anything more than that. I cannot be in a position where I'm having sex with a girl unless I'm in a relationship with that girl now. I just can't be. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me because I will become attached. I just cannot have sex outside of a relationship. I can't.

I try to play myself off as a simple guy, but the reality is most people aren't simple. I'm certainly not as simple as I appear to be. I have strong emotions that pull at me. I think and act with my heart more than anything else. I'm easily hurt. I'm very sensitive to certain things (I would suggest avoid talking about anything involving gay jokes around me for that reason). I react differently to a lot of things than other guys will. I'm not macho. I'm not a bad boy. I'm not anything that you want me to be other than me.

That's the hardest thing to explain. I can't be labeled. I'm not a prep. I'm not a jock. I'm not anything specific. I'm me. I wear preppy clothes occasionally. I wear a lot of Nike t-shirts. I wear a pair of beat-up Nikes because I can't afford new shoes nor do I care.

If you're going to base whether you're interested in me on my style, then you best be walking by because I cannot be defined, nor do I care to. I wear what's comfortable. I wear what I like. I look how I want to look. It's me and I'm happy with it.

I'm not a big guy. I'm stronger than I look, but any girl looking for a guy with muscles and a hot body can keep on walking. I just don't have it right now. I'm average at best, scrawny at worst. I'm not going to win any contests when it comes to looks, but I work with what I have.

In other words, I'm far from perfect. I am nice, I will try to make a girl laugh, and I will treat the girl I am with as good as I possibly can. My strength has to be my personality, but it's also the hardest thing to get a read on when you first meet me.

I simply do not introduce well to new people. I don't know what to say, don't know what to do most of the time. It's why some conversations just never take off, because I have no idea what to do. It's a huge flaw that I think has really curbed a lot of things before they really had a chance.

However, talk to anyone who's known me for any significant amount of time and you would never guess that to be the case. I'm off the wall weird sometimes. I can be very loud. I will say whatever pops into my head. I will push people's buttons, but at the same time, I will do whatever needs to be done to help a friend.

My ability to listen, my ability to do what needs to be done for my friends sets me apart from most. I am probably one of the few people that you could call at four in the morning with a problem and not piss off. Instead, I'll sit up, listen to you for as long as you need and make sure you're okay before going back to bed.

All my good friends know this. Lisa I think knows this now. But that and the other things are things you learn after time, not right away. If you don't give me the chance to find that out, you'd never realize it. I think a lot of people think it's just lip service when I say what kind of person I am but it really isn't.

When I know what's going on, when I know where I stand with someone, there's never a problem. It's why I don't get upset at Lisa when she doesn't call even if she says she will because I know that it's not always possible for any number of reasons. It's why I hang in there when she is upset about something and not being very nice. It's why I've continued to talk to her instead of giving up. I know she's worth it just as a friend.

It's the approach I should be taking with everyone.

My mind is a complicated thing. I do freak out when I can't get a hold of someone when I should be able to. I do get upset when someone says to call then doesn't answer or return their calls. I don't think Jessica ever really knew that part of what made me not want to deal with her was she was like that. I didn't leave messages for my health. I still don't.

It's why I'm purging my buddy list.

For the next week, when I'm away, there's going to be a specific away message up. In it, I tell anyone who sees the message to leave me an im, e-mail me, or call me to let me know you're serious about talking to me. Those who don't respond and aren't specific people that I know are intersted will be lopped off my buddy list. Those who do will have taken a step to prove to me that they want to be friends.

It's not fool-proof since I know a lot of people don't look at away messages, but those who have been online, who have had a chance to check it, and who don't do anything will be gone. Not just from my buddy list, but if I have a phone number, that will be deleted too.

I hate doing ultimatums, but I don't feel I have a choice. I have too many people on my buddy list who I simply do not or can't seem to talk to.

The same goes for the main web site I use, SWYDM, where those who aren't talking to me there are going to be removed from my favorites list.

I'm also trying to move away from talking online when I can. I would rather talk on the phone with most people, so those I can convert to phone calls have even less to worry about. This isn't just because the only computer I can use is up in my mom's room right now, but rather a dissatisfication with the online community in general. Simply put, I get bored of going online, checking to see who's on, then trying to get a conversation started with someone when I could just pick up my cell phone and dial a few numbers, hear a voice, and hear emotions.

Messengers just seem too impersonal to me these days. I have trouble talking with them. My humor doesn't translate into the written word as well as other people's might. I struggle to be funny if I'm not ranting and raving about something. Unfortunately, a lot of my "charm" stems from my ability to make people laugh. It's why my friendships work so well. Most of my friends laugh a lot. I can make most of them laugh, sometimes so much so that they do funny things like cry and/or spit their drinks out.

It's more hit and miss online. I don't like that. I like making people smile and half of that is from me making you laugh. No humor, no smile, no smile, and I feel like an idiot.

This is by no means a goodbye. I'm not going to get rid of my messengers. I'm not going to stop going online because I simply have too much fun with some of you online. I'm not leaving any sites. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!

I just want that to be clear.

It's all about my mindset right now. I need to be relaxed. I need to not worry about having a girlfriend. It'll happen. I know it will. Too many tell me I'm a good guy, whether it be coworkers or friends. I know there's a girl who won't care that I'm not 6', 190 pounds. I know there's a girl who won't care about the house I live in, the car I drive, or what I wear. I know there's a girl who's going to see me for who I am and love it.

That's what I want. But it won't happen if I'm searching every nook and cranny.

Some have suggested sticking it out with Lisa. Well, I don't think she looks at me as being her type. Something just tells me that we're meant to be friends, maybe great friends, but friends and nothing more. Does that mean that through Lisa I won't find the girl I want? I don't know. I could be out with her one night and she could notice a girl watching me, just like I could notice a guy watching her. She could set me up with a friend. Or nothing at all could happen.

Regardless, it's not for me to worry about. I need to worry about the things I can control, like my body type, my education, and my job. I can't control if a girl is going to fall in love with me, so I can't worry about it.

The days are soon going to be gone where I sit all day waiting for one person to call, one person to come online. If you want to talk to me, you'll find me. That's the way it should be. That's the way it has to be.

That's the way it's going to be.

---

Work has been crazy the whole week. I didn't work Monday, but from the numbers and from what others said, it was pretty busy. Tuesday was dead up until around 4:15pm, conveniently when I was *going* to take my second break, then the bus must have unloaded outside the store because it was non-stop until the moment I left, which was 5:50pm, even though I was scheduled until 5:30.

Today was more of the same, quiet early, then crazy in the afternoon. Compounding both yesterday and today (and why I had to stay late) was that one pharmacist left at 5pm both days, leaving me by myself at drop-off. Now, at most stores, this might not be an issue. At my store it is. It's hard enough to keep up sometimes with a tech and a pharmacist at the drop-off. Imagine just having a tech there.

I didn't stand a chance of leaving on time either yesterday or today because of it. Today I left at 6:30pm, although that was also partly because Sarah needed a break still, so I stayed extra to get both her and Nichole a break.

I haven't done anything since I've been home and that's how I wanted it. I'm still tired from being sick, mostly because my ass hasn't been able to sleep well at all lately, even when I've taken nyquil.

Tomorrow, I think I'll be doing some cleaning, then maybe out to start looking at possible gift ideas since there's a chance I'll have extra money this christmas for a change. I still don't know how I had so much extra money, but I won't complain. I used some of it to buy three cd's, Eminem's "Encore," The Roots "The Tipping Point," and Akon's debut.

As I said earlier in the entry, I'm not going to worry about things this winter. I'm just going to go out, handle my business, and let things take care of themselves.

I intend to be happy again.