Wednesday, December 8, 1999
Well, it's been a pretty harrowing couple of weeks as some of you can probably imagine. Many of you already know about the unpleasant thing I found out last week while I was on vacation (which I will shortly summarize, as well as the first few days of this month). In literally a matter of minutes my life was changed as I saw first-hand a crack addict. It's still hard to believe. I feel like I'm stuck in a low budget movie, kind of like the ones my dad watches. It's been mind blowing to try and understand my situation. God only knows if his parents know about this.
Crack. I used to joke about that kind of thing. Calling someone a crackhead was a simple joke. Now it's actually true. I can't even think about joking about something like that because my dad is a crackhead. It's utterly amazing to me. I'm still trying to grapple with it right now simply because the reality is so difficult to accept. This is something no child should have to deal with. My younger sister has been a wreck since finding out. I've been overwhelmed.
He's falling so quickly too. Tonight he was going on about morals and marriage and all this shit. He said that my mom was staying here to pleasure him and that he had every right to do what he wanted. He said he was going to call the cops, have them come over, then have them watch as he smacked me around. It doesn't occur to him that that's assault. It doesn't occur to him that forcing someone to have sex is called rape. He doesn't seem to realize that when a couple divorces, they are divorced. To him, he's still married to my mom. He then brings up this shit about the church. He hasn't been to a church in years.
He accuses my mom of controlling me because I don't want to be an iron worker. He says that she's making me work in the pharmacy. It doesn't occur to him that I wanted to go into the pharmacy to work and that I want to be a pharmacist. To him, it was my mom's decision. He doesn't seem to understand the courses I'm taking in college are required. To him, I'm just taking the same shit I took in high school. To an extent, he's right. Then again, it's the same at every college.
I've told him time and time again that I could care less about being an iron worker. It's not something I've ever been interested in. I think he's more upset at me not following in the footsteps of him and the rest of the guys in this family. I'm betraying him by wanting to be a pharmacist. Good. I told him that I wasn't making my decisions to make him happy. I'm working in a pharmacy because I like it. He can screw himself if he thinks he's changing my future. By telling me to be an iron worker, he's doing the very thing he's complaining about. He wants to control me and I'm not being controlled. Therefore, he's angry.
But anyway....
I was on vacation from work last week. First thing I did was buy a Nintendo64. Dammit, I wanted to play Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and I wanted to play now. So I bought the system for $70 (with two controllers!), MarioKart64, and Zelda. The game kicks ass. It's as good as it was billed to be. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it and it's a very tough game. It's amazing how complicated the dungeons are in this game. They're so much bigger with so many more secrets to uncover. I like the game play and find it to be the best game I've ever played.
MarioKart is a ton of fun too. I like the system a lot and am glad I bought it. So is my mom and sister. That's about the extent of what I did while off of work.
Not much else has happened over the last week or so. I went back to work and got back into the swing of things once again, but that's been primarily it. Well, that and playing lots of video games. I was over Mike's the other night playing this computer game called "Worms 2." Funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. You play as a team of worms whose goal is to kill the worms of the other team. What makes it so funny is the assortmen of weapons. You have everything from a bazooka to a little toy called a supersheep to super banana bombs. It's so funny.
The other thing that Mike and I do is play Wrestlemania 2000 for N64. Hell, I actually won a few matches. Usually I'm good enough for a ten minute fight before losing interest and finally losing. Although I did win the steel cage match last night. That pissed Mike off. So we went and played worms where we spend more time killing ourselves than the other team. Mike likes his new computer a lot though. I just hope he learns how to use it better. I don't like having to go over there all the time to help him out.
Outside of my dad's antics, it's been quiet around here. I am worried that something's going to happen though. I just have this feeling that he's going to try something. I need to be ready in case he does. He makes a wrong move and I'll be all over him. I don't care how much bigger he is. He fucks around and I'm going to be ready to take him on completely. I've already dared him to give me a reason to call the police and have him arrested. I want him to give me that excuse. He thinks I'm bluffing, but I'm not.
It's just strange thinking of my dad as being a crack addict. He really doesn't seem to be able to grasp that he's got a problem. It doesn't seem odd that three people think that he needs help. No, we're the ones who need help. None of us are sane. I'm a drug dealer, my mom's a drug user, and my mom's a prostitute of some sort. 1 out 3 isn't bad. She does take prescription drugs. Of course to my dad, it doesn't matter. He still says she's taking Percocet and Demerol, medications she hasn't taken in years.
As much as I hate him, I don't want to see him die the way he's going to die. It's bad when his parents are going to outlive him. How he came to be this way is anyone's guess. He certainly was raised right, even in Cleveland. I guess some people are just hopeless. Thanks a lot dad. You've taught me all I need to know not to do. I guess something's gotta come out of this.
My dad's a crackhead.
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