MY LIFE - MAY 1999

May 9, 1999

Right now, I just want to flush this whole year right down the toilet and start over. There just really hasn't been anything good to talk about since maybe mid-January, and even that's a stretch. I just don't understand why this year has been so bad; this year figured to be a good one based on how last year went. Then again, 1998 closed with a flurry of problems, many of them revolving around the soap opera involving my dad. This year, things have just continued to twist around in a bad way. I'm starting to wonder if summer's really going to be worth it.

Tonight I found out one other thing that really didn't help. Jennifer is going to be in Texas the whole summer. Basically my optimism there has been shot down like a lame duck. Now I'm having serious doubts that we'll ever meet. A lot can happen over the summer, many times in bad ways. I'm now uncertain as to whether anything more will ever come out of this. At this point in time I just don't really know what to do with our situation. I really don't. I don't know whether to be mad, sad, or both. And when I do feel something, I don't know whether I should feel bad for what I feel. I'm confused right now, in shock. I did not expect this at all.

I love her to death and wanted to meet with her so bad sometimes that it wasn't even funny. Now it seems unlikely that it will ever happen. By the time she returns, chances are I'll be taking classes at Cuyahoga Community College in the morning and working at night. I don't see myself with really any time for anything. If we are still to meet, it would have to be before she leaves for Texas, and I honestly don't see that happening. If it doesn't happen, it would only be fitting that something would happen. I guess it wouldn't be right if something worked in my favor for once.

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There really is just too much going on at once. Let's start from the top. In my english class, I have a 200-point project due May 13 that's required for graduation. I'm not complaining about it; I actually don't mind doing it since history is something I've always enjoyed. Especially on the subject we're researching, war literature. I never really knew what it was about war history. I've just always seemed to enjoy reading it and reliving it in a sense. So that part of the project I don't mind. It's just that it's a really bad time of the year to have a project as large as this.

Part of that is because we are so close to the end of the year for seniors. All the teachers are trying to cram as much in at once and really push us towards the end. So this report kind of adds to a load already large. In addition, there's prom to get ready for if you're going, which I'm not, and there's also the immense preparation towards graduation that has to be taken into account. All in all, too many things coincide at once, making it a very difficult part of the year to handle as it is. Throw in the personal issues and my busy work schedule, and you have a mountain that's almost too high to climb. If I get through this in one piece, it will be a great thing.

The really big thing though has been the personal issues that have been going on. All right, I'm almost done paying off the Escort, which means that every other week I'll be able to put in my entire paycheck rather than just 1/3 of it. I should also be getting my income tax return soon from both the state and federal governments; that should also help. But there's still the issue of my dad, who just can't get the message in his head that we don't want to talk to him. He just can't get it. He keeps calling, usually at 11 at night just to "talk" to us. I won't answer the phone, nor will my mother, but Teresa does. I keep telling them, just don't answer the damn thing, but it isn't working.

Right now I'm at a crossroad in my life. This is the time when I'll find out who my real friends are, and who's just fake.

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Thank the lord it finally rained today. Now most of you bitch about the rain, but I like it. There are a couple of reasons for this. Number one involves the lawn. Call me grampa, but I like to see the grass and other plants grow a little bit so that our yard at least looks decent. The other thing is that the rain at this time of year is essential in washing away the pollen being released by the trees right now. If you haven't learned by now, I'm allergic to tree pollen, which makes this time of year a living hell without all the other drama involved. Anyway, low pollen counts mean no problems for me with allergies today, which means smooth sailing. Until tomorrow anyway when it's supposed to be sunny.

The rain also does something else for me to. I don't know what it is exactly, but I enjoy rainy days. It could have something to do with the fact that I like it when it's cloudy more so than when it's sunny sometimes. I guess it fits my mood sometimes as well as my situation in life right now, dreary. The rain also seems to calm me though. I can do some great thinking when it's raining lightly outside and everything else is quiet. I'm not sure what it is yet like I said earlier. It's just one of those things.

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For the record, this week at work was basically shit. Monday, Jenny called off for some reason or another, presumably because she was sick, which is fine. All that means is that Crystal had to stay until 8 and I had to ring register the rest of the night. It's been a long time since I ran longer than 15 minutes. That was all fine and dandy though. Hell, it was only a Monday after all. Who needs any help on a Monday, which is usually our busiest night? Not that I'm mad after all. Hell, I only did her a favor Friday night by switching shifts, eliminating my only Friday off in about two months and allowing her to go to some social event (more on my bitterness there in a minute).

Anyway, I was off Tuesday. Wednesday came and actually seemed like a fairly decent day. Aside from the fact that it was the first in stretch of four days in row for me. That's not unusual actually. What's unusually is that I usually work a Monday-Thursday type week with a Friday off and then work Saturday. But I haven't had a normal shift in a while. So I get to work the rest of the week with little decent help. Crystal and Jenny both work the Wednesday night, but spend most of it gabbing about prom, which for them was Friday night. The next shift for both of them is Monday, a nice four days off.

Thursday was fine, but Friday was the day of reckoning for me. I arrived at work to find that Mike S., who was perfectly fine Thursday as well as today, had called off. Guess who was the only other person on the schedule, the one who was supposed to ring register? Mike S. He called off, which meant I had to ring for five hours, my longest span in over a year. I'm not complaining about that, but rather the fact that neither Thursday or today did he seem even remotely sick.

The other thing is that I had several things that I had wanted to take care of Friday night. I had several sheets of new item listings and discontinued lists that I wanted to go through with Steve. There were some new shelf labels for some other new items I wanted to go through with him. I wanted to go through the prescription files and return to stock those that had been sitting there for more than two weeks.

THere were other things too. Instead, I had to sit on register all night. Naturally, it's always a bit busier when I ring for some reason too. I can't figure that one out for the life of me. The only thing I did get out of ringing was that I got to go and organize the ad signs when it was quiet. Hell, we were thin on the schedule today which meant I had to do the ad as well as pharmacy. I live a charmed life. That's all done now though. I had the ad finished by 2:30, when I went on my lunch. So this week was pretty much shit because of a couple reasons.

I should take four days off just to piss everyone off. Oh, and as a side note, Jenny added to my bitterness Wednesday night by returning the favor I did her in a not-so-favorable manner. In replying to why she didn't worry about me trying anything on her when her back was to me, she replied with "because I can kick his ass." Nevermind that it's probably true. I just found it to be a rather nasty insult on the heels of me being nice to her for so long. I guess that's how it goes though.

Nice guys don't just finish last. They get stepped on and beaten around until they're dead. It's not very rewarding, but I still treat others as nice as possible. I just wish this shit would just stop.