MY LIFE - MAY 1999

May 30, 1999

Well, this weekend has been a wild ride. It's a ride that I haven't really wanted to be on, but it's been interesting nevertheless. I just have this question to pose for everyone: why is it Saturday when things go from good to bad? Why is that? At work I seem to have a great time, but then I get home and find something had happened while I was gone. This time, I found my dad, after a good stretch where nothing really had gone wrong, decided he didn't want to stay out here and help my mom mess with her car. He started a fight so that he'd have the excuse to leave. It left my mom shaking her head once again, but it left me wondering when we'd learn our lesson. We don't, and never did, need his help. We don't need him and his attitude around, and while the money's nice, it's not needed. I've continued to say that from the start and I'm going to continue to emphasize that. Besides, no matter who's involved, I've never really felt comfortable using anyone for money. I won't even borrow money from people because I just don't feel right about it. It makes me feel cheap in some strange fashion. I'm not really sure why, but it does.

Either way, I have had it with my dad and the games that he plays. If he wants to go back to Cleveland, all he has to do is say so. There's no need for him to start throwing accusations out or to start a fight in any way. It's just not necessary. Yet he decided to take that path. Now my graduation's looking down because of it. My mom has said that if he decides to go, she won't be going there and that just left me a bit mad. If my graduation's going to be messed up, at least let me have the honor of doing so. But not my dad. If he screws things up, I won't ever talk to him again. Never. That would be the last straw for me, period. Even now I've had it with his games.

Would it just be too much trouble for him to just stop being an asshole about every other thing for just a couple minutes? Apparently so from the way things go. He comes around, behaves himself for about two weeks, then decides that he's sick of us all and starts shit up again. Well, he's finally learned that he can't play those games with me, given how he was when I was home. I gave him a cold shoulder, but it was a deserving cold shoulder. If he would only have not decided to be such a bad father from the start. He's beyond any chance of seeing me show him any love. I'm not so sure I'll always call him "dad" either. I'm just beyond that point.

I'm done with him and his shit. I just refuse to go along with anything he says now simply because I know he can't always, won't always, tell the truth. That will always haunt him for as long as he's alive.

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I've been spending a lot of this weekend outside when I haven't had to work, and some of that time was spent in the Cleveland Metroparks in Strongsville. On Thursday I took our dog, Anubis, for a walk in that very part of the Metropark system, a walk that left me extremely sore. Understand this: I'm am extremely out of shape and I found that out the hard way on Thursday. Anubis was also tired after the walk too. On the way to the park, he had been running all over the car, frantically trying to find a way out. Then on the way home, he just sat on the passenger seat, occasionally laying down for a few minutes before going to sit back up for a few more minutes. Crazy on the way there, calm on the way home. Anubis also tries to stick his head out the window, but the wind in his huge ears drives him crazy so he has to pull back in. It was quite a riot.

Then on Saturday after work, I went back to almost the same area, pulled out my rollerblades, and spent about two hours rollerblading. It didn't quite take as much out of me as the walk did, but it made me realize that I was indeed out of shape and will have to do a lot more exercising if I want to get back into shape. Not that I've ever been in shape before though. In all actuality, I never really cared for staying in shape simply because anytime I did anything, chances were the people I was messing around with were smokers, and therefore in worse shape than me. I always seemed to outlast people around me even though I wasn't in shape. That's not always be the case, so I've decided that a couple times a week I'm going to be returning to the Metroparks, either by myself or with Anubis, although Anubis is a bit wild sometimes. Rather than go around a low lying branch, he went underneath it instead, catching the lead on the branch and nearly killing me since I had to go almost right through that same branch.

Anyway, whether or not I keep up with this commitment will remain to be seen. I guess I'm just tired of running out of energy when I try to do things that require actual physical work, especially in sports. Let's face it. I love sports, especially baseball, basketball, and football, and I love playing all three despite my lack of size. One thing that has always amazed people that I've played sports with, especially in football, is how I can take some pretty good shots and come back for more. I used to play football with people twice my size all the time, and there were times when I would take some pretty good shots. Once I was leveled by a kid about three times my size. I just lied on the ground for a minute wondering what hit me, got up, then was right back in the middle of things. I took a lot of abuse playing sports, which has helped immensely during real physical games nowadays.

I can take a couple of real good hits because of those experiences just like I take a lot of mental abuse too. I guess that's why I've been so lapse about staying in shape.

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In case any of you were wondering, it has finally hit that I'm done with school. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I don't have to get up at 6 in the morning anymore to get ready for school. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my days have little purpose beyond going to work. Maybe it's the fact that I won't be seeing a lot of people again in my life after June 6th, or maybe it's something else. Whatever it is, it's left me feeling a bit down from time to time. The last day of school was especially depressing though. No one said bye, no one mentioned anything about me being invited to any graduation parties. There was nothing at all. Anytime I made an attempt at approaching someone to talk, someone else would butt in, leaving me in the dust. There's nothing more depressing than walking away from someone you wanted to talk to knowing that someone seemed more important.

I'll be seeing everyone two more times though. On June 4th we all have to get on a bus and go down to Akron for a practice commencement. Then on June 6th, the actual commencement takes place where we all officially graduate and receive our diplomas. What comes out of those last two meetings remains to be seen. I'm hoping that I don't find myself left behind by those who I think are my friends, but I'm not sure what will happen. I know that I won't be getting anything in the mail simply because no one really knows my exact address. One of the things that comes with being a notoriously quiet person, a shy person, is that no one really knows anything about you or where you live. I guess I'll find out soon enough though.

I just hope the last hurrah doesn't live up to its meaning.

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Final tidbits of information....What the hell is with these music video channels nowadays? VH-1 spends most of its time talking about the life stories of musicians while MTV spends too much time with its bullshit programming. These are music video stations, so where's the music? And when MTV does show music, it spends way too much time with music they think is popular. From what I've seen, rap is still seen as an underground thing with them and that needs to change. Oh, and stop that extra editing for crying out loud....Our birds are finally starting to get their wings back fully. They can fly now, albeit not very well. It's kind of funny too. They like to push each other off their perch and chase each other around the cage. It's just really funny to watch them interact. Now my mom wants another....After careful consideration, and the realization that I can't remember what happened, I will not be posting back dates for My Life. Instead, I'll just use my old trick of combining two months together and hope that I actually write a bit more. I guess we'll see.