MY LIFE - JUNE 1999

June 8, 1999

Two days in a row. Stands for a couple of things right now. Number one, it's the number of days this work week that I've been up before noon, and number two, it's the number of days where I've forgotten to get my Claritin. I'm out right now, so I hope my allergies give me a slight break until I actually remember to pay for it, which should be tomorrow.

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What a dull day it was today. From start to finish, just plain dull with just a couple of small exceptions. Started off with my shower around noon that was uneventful. Then again, it had better be uneventful because I don't like surprises when I'm taking my shower. After that, I spent about a half hour listening to my dad talk about what we could eat to start the day. After listening to him talk about maybe cooking stuff on the grill, I got up, went to the cupboard, and pulled out a box of cereal, which I promptly ate in front of him, much to his chagrin.

I'm sorry, but I just was not interested in what he had to say on what we could eat. Face it, I only had about an hour or so before I had to begin getting ready for work. It was 85° outside and I just did not want to think about eating anything that was even remotely warm. So his thoughts of grilling chicken and hamburgers just made me feel sick. So I went to my plan A, and ate some cereal laced with sugar since it doesn't hurt to get wired (that would be the theme for my night).

I then did a couple of things before I started getting ready for work. Ironed my shirt, changed out of my jeans and into my khakis, and went off to work. Work dragged on. And on. And on some more. I don't remember having a night so uneventful as tonight was. It was so utterly boring, I don't know if I can even pad this part of the entry to make it even remotely interesting. We really didn't do much in the pharmacy, and there wasn't much to be done, unlike last night when I had to update the candy aisle.

The only real exciting thing we did at work involved my co-worker Debbie and me messing around with Mike some more today. I had answered the phone, and it was for Mike. He came to the entrance of the backroom and I indicated to him that the phone was for him. Minutes after he got on the phone, Debbie and I, using one of the pharmacy phones, starting using the intercom feature and paged the backroom phone that he was on. Seconds later, you hear a "Go away" and a click. Debbie and I busted up because we knew that he knew that it was us that had done that. Moments later, he came up to the pharmacy and we just started laughing again. He wasn't pleased with us, but he started laughing too. Then I threw a pen at him and spent the rest of the day watching my back.

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Since yesterday's entry ended with a semi-long passage about my feelings on the future, I think that I'll mention a little more about my past to kind of compliment that entry. I also need to pad this a little since I don't feel like posting a short entry. Jenny, my co-worker, once asked me in a kind of rude way how a person like me could have problems. This was not long after she had started with working with us, so therefore she had no clue of the mess I had endured, and still endur, in the past. She didn't know what had happened to me and she didn't understand why I was the way I was. She, as did a few others, learned the hard way when she would say the wrong thing to me. Now, she knows what I went through, and doesn't incense those feelings.

Growing up in any situation's tough, but when you grow up in the situation I grew up in, it's about ten times harder. I grew up with an alcoholic for many years of my life, and even now I still occasionally have to deal with that person. That person is my dad. Even now he still has a drinking and drug problem, two problems he won't admit to. Instead, he does what every other person in his condition has done, he denies it and blames his troubles on others. My time when I was in elementary school at Hickory Ridge Elementary, that's when I remember it being the most difficult time for me. Not only did I have my dad to deal with, but my friends were not much help. Instead, they picked on me more because I was vulnerable. I didn't know who to go to aside from my mom, since my "friends" weren't there.

I was often in knots trying to make it through things. My dad coming home at 3am, that was something that was happening with frightening regularity. At least a couple times a week it would happen, and we were lucky to see him when he wasn't drunk or high off of something. There was even a time when we though he might have been taking paychecks out of the mail that were for my mom so that I he could spend more money. Don't get me wrong, he made good money. But he also spent good money on alcohol and drugs. I know that for a fact. Him coming home in the middle of the night was the back breaker though.

Everybody talks about physical abuse, but to me, mental abuse is more dangerous and lasts longer. Physical abuse can go away, but mental abuse will stick with you for as long as you are alive, which is sometimes the case with me. Part of the reason I'm so reflective at times is that there are certain things I can't get out of my mind. One of those is the image of my dad throwing my dog down the stairs at me. Another is him and my mom holding baseball bats and her barracading herself in her room. If you don't believe that happened, then you need to take a look at the door. It still has holes and dents from my dad and the doorknob has not worked since that night.

The mental part also served another purpose. I feel that now I'm as strong as anyone mentally because of what I went through. One of the compliments I get is that many say they don't think they would have survived what I survived and that they're proud of me. I'm very strong mentally. It does take a lot to get to me on most days, and even if you do, I'm not staying down for long. However, don't get me wrong. It was still very painful for me and my family to go through what we went through back then.

After several years of this, my mom and dad finally divorced in February of 1991. It should've been a quick and clean divorce, but it was complicated by my dad deciding that he should have custody of my sister and me. It didn't happen, but it left us both scared that we might have to live without our mom, who was the strongest of us all. When things were finally settled, we were to move out within 60 days or be kicked out. It never happened. Instead, we lived with my dad for a couple more years, something that he would use anytime he and my mom argued in the future. Those years were also torturous at times. When I entered middle school, I was still being picked on by friends. That would change soon though.

With things calming down, especially after my dad moved back in with his parents, my friends became friends. My best friend James Kania suddenly went from tormentor to best friend very quickly. This was at a pivotal time. I was going through my bad kid stage, getting into trouble and messing with the wrong crowd. He at the same time kept me running with the same people and put me on the right path by not letting anyone mess with me, something he still does to this day. I eventually got myself moving in the right direction while he faded off the right path and into more serious things. I did a lot bad things then nevertheless, but once I reached high school, I had learned better.

From then on, the rest is history as they say. I'm now graduated from high school and continuing to charge my way forward. I didn't get good grades, but laziness is the main reason for that above all else. Most people do consider me to be smart, but I don't let that get to my head. My past is probably the biggest reason I'm who I am today. I don't pick on girls too often because I start thinking about how my mom was treated. I have a lot of patience and my once short temper now resides with a longer fuse. I haven't lost my temper in a long time, and if I come close, I let it out some other way.

I have a very deep respect for women as it stands right now. I can never understand why some guys treat their loved ones the way they do. It never stops bothering me that women, no matter how bad they may be, are being mistreated by a guy who just wants to feel powerful. To me, these kind of guys are just cowards looking for a way to be important. I don't think any of this is right and I certainly don't understand some guys today. It seems some guys have more important things on their minds.

I particularly despise violence towards one another. I've never been in a physical fight and don't intend to get into one anytime soon. I've learned from both my own and others' mistakes. This is who I am, and you can either hate me or love me all you want. I'm not going to change for anyone. If I did, I would be a different person all the time.

I'm sorry if this isn't what people want to hear from me. But I think it's important to understand where I'm coming from and why I'm the way that I am. I would really appreciate any kind of feedback on this entry in particular. I want to know if someone's been through something similar. I just want to know what some people think. So, please, let me know either through e-mailing me at wservo9@hotmail.com, or by using the comment box below.

If you don't, I'll understand. But this is one of the more personal things for me and your thoughts matter right now.