The past, present, and future goals

The following is part of a multi-part series examining my past, present, and future. The columns located in here will be the first "Come Again" columns to be archived in its history due to the significance of what I'm doing. Part 1 will focus on my past and how it shaped me. Part 2 will focus on the present as to where I'm at right now. Part 3 will focus on my future goals, dreams, and ambitions. Be warned that the columns may be quite long.

Part 2 - The Present (cont.)

Recovery and a wedding

With the bachelor party out of the way, I felt it was time to try and approach Sarah about hanging out sometime in the future. We had started to become closer while working and she seemed to enjoy working with me and being around me in general. I had discovered she worked a second job at Tops near my house and it was common for me to run into her during the weekend.

I finally approached her about it and to my surprise, she was more than willing to call me sometime and set something up. I was thrilled, but at the time I had no concept of who she was or what she'd be like outside of work. At work, she came across as a really nice and sweet girl that any guy could fall in love with.

I was about to find out just how different she really was.

Before that happened though, I had a wedding to attend. Mike was getting married and it was going to be the biggest day of his life to that point in time. While I wasn't his best man, I was second in line and was responsible for the ring. It was a tremendous responsibility, one that I was proud of.

It was a cool day, the day of his wedding. It was in the first part of October, so the setting was actually quite perfect as far as I was concerned. Everyone looked great and it was setting up to be a very beautiful ceremony. Mike's other friend Aaron and I were assigned the job of walking everyone down the aisle to where they were going to sit. After a shaky start, we got it down and everyone was sitting before too long.

Then we were take our places up front behind Mike as the ceremony began. I remember sitting there looking at Mike, seeing how happy he was and wondering if that was going to be me someday, with Mike standing behind me as my best man. Everything went well and before I even realized it, it was all over and we were getting ready to go to the reception.

The reception was fun, even if none of us had a chance to speak and roast Mike like we had wanted to, and the food was very good. It was only fitting that Mike had vintage Coke bottles has decorations and a bowl of M&M's at every table. To understand that you'd have to understand Mike. It was appropriate to me.

It had been hours, but it had only seemed like minutes and before any of us knew what had happened, it was over and it was time to go home. I went back to Mike's house to get my car and was on my way home, left to think about everything that had just happened. It had been such an amazing experience, one that I could never properly put into words that would do it justice.

Mike was off to South Carolina with his new wife for their honeymoon and I was left to plot my next move. It would be bowling with Sarah and her friends.

The first time I hung out with Sarah was less than memorable. I had thought it would be something different, something other than what it had turned out to be like. Luckily, I would get another chance and after that, things were off and running.

The next time we hung out it was with her, Nichole from work, and a few other friends at Dave & Busters. This time, the drinks were flowing and I was having a blast. Sarah must have seen some potential in me as from that point on, it was common for her to ask me to go with her when she was going out.

As the winter went on, we hung out several times and the friendship began to really blossom. I was finding her to be a kick-ass girl to hang out with, have some drinks with, and just have a lot of fun. It didn't matter if it was bowling, a bar, or even a movie. We had fun. It was never going to be more than a friendship, but it was becoming a good one.

Despite this, I was still recovering from everything. Megan was still in my mind and it didn't help when she'd call and sound completely upset over something. More than once I had to talk to her, calm her down, and hope that things were better the next time we talked. I still had something there for her, but it was evolving still, changing. I wanted no part of dating and was open to anything that might have happened.

Dating would come when it was time again.

A new year

The new year was here and things basically stayed the same for me through the first part into the spring. I was going out with Sarah on an increasing frequency and we were learning things that surprised both of us. I saw in her a similar person to who I was: someone who just wanted to have fun and not worry about anything. It was a common bond that we both stuck with and used to have a good time while we were out.

I also discovered a new love for hoodies as the year progressed, buying my first one in March. It became my best friend as it was warm enough for me when I wanted to go out without my coat on. It was also in the spring that saw Megan make a return visit home, seeing me for the first time. It was great to see her for a few days, have fun, and just not worry about anything. We remembered good times, bad times, and shared what had happened to us the last couple of months.

Later in the spring, I went and got my first set of contacts. I had grown increasingly tired of glasses and was ready to give it a try and see what it would be like. At first, people didn't know what to make of me without glasses, but as time went by, I think people saw that I looked better without them. I had found my niche, my look. I was sticking with it. The best part of it all? Things were calm in my life.

Things would get crazy as summer began though.

The dating bug

One thing that would become glaringly clear as the summer began and eventually went by was that I had no idea how to actually casually date. For me, it was still all or nothing when I met a new girl. Even though I was compelled to meet new girls and see if one of them would be right for me, I was an amateur and did more damage than good most of the time.

Most notable was the experience with Molly. I finally felt that I had found a girl that was a perfect mix of looks, personality, and values that I could cling to and let rub off on me. Instead, I found someone who ended up not being interested in me enough to date me and basically led me to believe otherwise. I don't think she ever believed that I was honest in the things I said and there was never anything I could do about that.

Then there was the girl from Pittsburgh who I spent a weekend with while she was sick, taking care of her and making sure she got better. She then moved back home to New Jersey and upon seeing that I had something in my aim profile about another girl, got pissed at me and decided that I had played her. This after we had talked about how any kind of long-distance relationship would be near-impossible for me to do.

Nevermind her attempts at changing how I wore my hat. Don't MESS with the hat!

There was Jessica, who deserved a guy better than I could be. Explaining this one is more difficult because I basically did her wrong in the worst way, something that I still feel shame for to this day. The fact was at the time, while I wanted to date, there was still an urge to just do whatever I wanted and at some point, I would've hurt her while I was out with Sarah and her friends.

There were other girls that I'd talk to, but none really made me feel that it was worth to completely go after. Others didn't find me interesting enough and stopped talking to me. It was madly infuriating at times and convinced me that I didn't need to date until I met the right girl, the girl who would give me her attention and make me feel important.

I would go out, have my fun, and see what happened.

Revelations

As Sarah and I continued to hang out, more and more was revealed about each other. The culmination came one day when she took me out to lunch as a way of repaying me for making her a bunch of CD's. We talked about work initially, but then it went into a different direction. She asked me about sex, the women I had been with, and what I did to try and make it good.

She in turn told me about how the guy she had been having sex with wasn't very good and asked if I could help somehow. The conversation never got beyond just talking about what it was like for both of us, but I could tell she was probing, trying to see if I sounded like I was any good at it. She then surprised me by telling me that she hoped to find a guy someday who was a good a guy as I was and that I wouldn't have a problem finding the right girl when it was time.

Talk about a confidence booster. Another surprise was when she told me that if neither of us was married by the time we hit our 30's, we should just marry each other. As the year went by, it became clear that there was infatuation with each other, but it was never anything serious. We were good friends and it was going to stay that way.

Now and then

As I write this, it's the end of September. My birthday is right around the corner and while I still haven't found a girl to make my own, I feel like I'm making progress there. How remains to be seen and won't be revealed here. Megan will be back in town in November. I have a car that needs serious repair work. Things need to be taken care of.

I have a lot of work to do, but I can't help but feel despite all the things that have gone on, all the obstacles that I've encountered, all the problems that I've created just by being idiotic at times, that things are going to pay off for me in the long run. I just feel that I will be rewarded at some point.

I look back at how I used to be and wonder how I managed to accomplish what I did. The shyness, the inability to connect with peers, the problems at home, yet somehow I managed to get this far.

Another year is coming to a close and while it wasn't a great year (just try dealing with kidney stones), it wasn't a lost cause. I feel I've learned a lot about myself and how to handle different situations. I'm learning how to be patient with women and to realize that sometimes you just have to accept being friends.

I still have work to do, such as going back to school, but I think that I'm going in the right direction. It can only get better.

Next, I'll talk about the future and what I want and what I expect to happen.