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Well the year is rapidly coming to a close. I am planning a personal end of the year closer but I don't know when it will be up, so I don't want to get into a lot of the year end stuff now. Christmas went well, I had fun despite working and being sick, and I spent a lot of time with my friends and family. This week has been good since I have taken the week off from work and am going cool places with the family. This works pretty well.
As for other aspects of life, I am kind of confused about what I want. I don't know what I want relationshipwise and that is bothering me a great deal, I don't know what I truely want with my future although I am slowly letting the FBI slip away and am starting to give in to writing. THis is a risky propostion all around and I need to figure out what I will do in the interim as I try to break in, if I can ever break in. I think the theme for this phase of my life with involve a lot less pressure on me than I have been imposing upon myself. I am really having a difficult time with the amount of things I expect from myself, and I need to lighten it up a bit.
The band is going through some more personnel changes; we are getting a new drummer and Chris and Ethan will both play guitar, Chris on lead and Ethan on rhythm. I hope that works out, I don't know the guy. Chris vouches for him so I trust his judgement.
Anyway, I have a lot of soul searching to do in the next few months and years, and hopefully I will manage to get to where I want to go, wherever that is. The most important thing is releasing myself from my own expectations and making it okay that I don't know exactly what I want to do. I used to fear a lack of direction, thinking I would be weak, but really which is worse, not knowing where I am going or knowing where I am going and it not be a place I feel good about. Truely I want to be happy with where I am and if it takes me some time to find that place then that is what it takes and there is nothing wrong with that at all. I just need to not feel guilty about doing what is best for me.
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