Well if you were expecting a year end wrap up, it will come but not tonight. Tonight, my new year's promising start came to a grinding halt. THose of you who have read this journal for awhile will know about my cousin from Baltimore who was going to come to live with me because she had tried to kill herself and her dad who has a very bad case of chronic hepatitis. Well we got a call today that my other cousin, her brother, Matt has cancer. Bad. At 13 years old, he has a cancer of unspecified type that has invaded his lungs, his lymph nodes and, kidneys. It is very bad. Tomorrow he is going into the hospital to have a catheter put in and to start Chemo. God I want to cry.
THis kid is so gentle, so caring it makes your heart hurt. He has been in karate longer than I have, with no other influence to excel beyond jsut wanting to and he did excel(I believe he has had to quite due to a lack of funds). He is a drummer for a Christian rock band, allegedly playing better than my uncle ever did and my uncle was fucking incredible. Matt is just an all around great kid.
I want to say all of the typical things like why does this happen to someone so young and full of life. I want to say that I feel selfish for having good health when someone younger than me is facing such imposing odds. I want to be mad at God and blame Him for it, say that He takes people at random without any concern but that is a cop out. People are known for placing blame when there is nothing they can do about something. They like to have something to point a finger at and say "Fuck you." But life isn't nice and compartmentalized like that and we can't just run from problems and feelings by placing blame. IT does no good.
I feel guilty now as I look over the year that was and I think of all the hurt I felt and all of the complaining I have done. My present feelings of dissatisfaction with the way I feel towards relationships, my GPA falling to a 3.00, dissatisfaction with my place in life in general, my feelings of inadequacy, all of these problems you read me bitch about day after day about why I am miserable. But then I think about Matt, and that he is 13 years old and is facing a battle with an unfeeling disease that he will probably lose. Here he is with only 13 years behind him having to deal with the real possibility of death. I think of my uncle who, beyond having his own possibly fatal disease, has to watch the deterioration that comes from cancer in his son. I think of my family and what they are facing and I feel like a whining bitch that has no real problems, only imagined torments to keep myself from getting bored and providing a method for me to be funny in my rants. I feel so selfish because I have this life and I can't give it to him. I know that sounds corney but I wish there was some way I could take my health and give it to him, to his dad and sister so they could get out of this horrible torment that is plauging their lives. I wish there was something I could do for them, something more than worry about my pathetic insignificant problems.