The State of Being Lonely


...an exerpt from a screenplay I'm writing, but based comepletely and totally on my life.

Sometimes after its been awhile, you forget what relationships are like. You can't seem to figure out what it felt like. Being alone starts to become comforting, in the same way that any state of being does if you exist in it for too long. I could be raped repeatedly by flaming wolverines but if it happened long enough I guarantee that a certain aversion to change...okay admittedly it would have to go on a hell of a lot longer than my sanity would last but you get the point.

What happens is very similar to what happens with a co-dependant relationship...you get used to the situation and even though you think it sucks and you are miserable you still stay because there is a good deal of comfort in what you are used to. There are tons of complications involved in uprooting yourself, so you stay. The problem is it starts to affect you after awhile.

See sometimes when you are feeling particularly low, you do things that for some bizzare, twilight zone reason you feel are going to make you feel better. The evening starts like this "This is exactly what I need. I can't wait to feel better, yeah and besides I am so low now I can't get any farther down." So you do it, drugs, meaningless sex, armed robbery, take your pick. And instead of feeling better you find yourself cradling your head in your hands saying " My god what have I done. This can't even get better. I am such a fucking asshole."

I went the meaningless sex route, although I wish I had opted for taking a bank hostage...there is a better chance of ending up dead. I felt awful, and had lost whatever shred of self respect I had left. See one night stand situations happen all the time, but not to me. I am not saying whoever engages in them is an asshole, that isn't the point, but I have always been against guys who use women simply for sex. It was a piece of me that was very important. And I betrayed it.

SO I flirted with various plots of suicide and moving to a Buddhist monastary but in thinking I realized that I had been used as well. She used me too, that was the situation. Fine, and lots of people do it. Of course now I feel like a dick for doing it and for pointing fingers. I should have stayed home and played 'Tetris.'

So this is the sort of bullshit you put yourself through when lonliness is the dominant aspect of your life. It is a painful spiral, you fail, you feel bad, you fuck up you feel bad, and so on. I wish I had a meaningful explaination for how to solve the problem but I don't. So I just sit around and glare at myself occasionally in the mirror and try to keep my mind on other things. Yep, that's healthy.

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