New Rules for 2007
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
It's because you don't particularly like them! Besides,
I already know what the captain of the football team
is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked
that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.
Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout?
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have
a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much
men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water
is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing
a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
The Social Security crisis.
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf Grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread Cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,"
ooh, you're a huge asshole.
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing
"Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no,
I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in
it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the
crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with
broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual,
you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
not spiritual. You're just high.
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S.
Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes
at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's
next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
If you're going to insist on making movies based
on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give
everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's
playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is
that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be
just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you
want and having other people buy It for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and
a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't
even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web
cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need
to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And
I didn't really care in the first place.
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want
a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's
sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of
flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying"
Do you want fries with that?"
The
Darkerider
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