Things You Don't Want To Hear While In The Operating Room

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock .

. ." A Nursing Jingle (sung to the tune of jingle bells)
Dashing from the lab,
With a box full of blood,
Your patient's going crash,
There's no relief in sight.
The crew is working hard,
Trying to make him live,
But even though you work like hell,
He's leaking like a sieve.
CHORUS
Oh jingle bells,
SICU is hell,
It makes your nerves really fray,
Oh what have you done when you thought this would be fun,
We need a Psych consult today.
Oh Jingle bells,
SICU is hell,
Our patient's won't just go away.

A day or two ago,
I thought he might survive,
But then he had a problem,
We thought he would surly die.
His organs they did fail,
His temperature went up,
Now all his drips are at the max,
His organs in a cup.

(Chorus)

Now he's in the morgue,
Its very sad to say,
All that's left to do,
Is for the staff to pray.
Another patient's gone,
His bed they will fill,
Just for once the staff would like,
To see one go uphill
(Chorus)


A man named Jed has a job which subjects him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day, his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notifies him that he tested positive for drugs. Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently, so he was sent for an interview with the company doctor. During his interview, the doctor asks him to account for his activity the previous night. Jed admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his teammates. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar. He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home. The doctor asked, "Then what happened ?" Jed told him that as soon as they got in the car the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform oral sex on her. "Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor. "Sure I did," answered Jed. "Why, what's the matter ?" "Well, said the doctor, "That's why you tested positive. That was a 'bar bitch you ate'."

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
A man comes from England to find out what the good old night life is like in Toronto. As he was walking down the street he meets this gorgeous prostitute who asks him if he would like a good time. He says "Sure as long as it does not leave me broke" After a half-hour the man suddenly stops, asks "Do you have AIDS?" to which her reply was "No," and the gentlemen says, "Good, wouldn't want to catch it twice."

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13...........13...........13.............13" The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.............14.........14.......14.'

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face. "Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks. "Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor. "What is it Doc?" asks Albert. "I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say." Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it". "Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud." "Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert. "No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." So, finally, the psychiatrist, at his wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and just like that, he gets an erection! His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

The makers of Viagra have finally agreed to release the ingredients of their famous product: 2% - Ibuprofen 2% - Aspirin 1% - Vitamin C 95% - Fix-a-Flat

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!"

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch TV, there aren't," she replied.

When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor asked, "What's wrong?" "Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life. "Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "You do?" she asked. "Yes, I do. Why do you think I poisoned you, you silly slut?"

A Southern 911 Call Emily Sue passed out cold and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. "Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?" The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Wonderful," said the psychiatrist. "Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people. "Definitely," said the psychiatrist. "Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution." "Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

The Mammogram Poem
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
as she put my boob in line.
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes. There. That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes.
A plastic plate was pressing down,
My boob was in a vice.
My skin was stretched 'n stretched,
from way up by my chin.
And my poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit.
"Take a deep breath,"
she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good,"
I heard her say,
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's get the other one,"
Lord have mercy, I was praying.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped -- Ker-Pow!
This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For a month he'd go without!!!

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more days pass before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Texan." The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "New Yorker." This act tired them out so badly it was two more days before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Dallas." Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice, "Rochester." Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say, "Joe Bob." Replied the other, "Frank." A few hours later, Joe Bob managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer." Frank responded, "Sagittarius."

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "Exactly" replied the doctor.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?" God replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

Q: What do you do if you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "Yes, there's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he said. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

Why did the guru refuse Novocain when he went to his dentist?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me Ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please? She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out in front of her. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no....not the Breathalyzer again!"

This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class at medical school and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! ". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." Our student really freaks out! He runs and gets the morgue attendant and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again....." The morgue attendant is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the morgue attendant, "Any asshole can sing country music!"

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. One fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles". So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Three elderly Alzheimer's patients are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Two medical students were walking through the park one day when they spotted a man with a peculiar walk. It looked as if he had a severe limp on his right leg. Naturally, they started to discuss what his problem might be. One of them insisted on it being a problem with the man's spine, but the other one said it had to be his hip. Since they couldn't agree upon the issue they decided to walk up to the man and ask him. "Excuse me", one of the medical students said, "but we couldn't avoid seeing your strange walk, and we can't agree upon which one of us has the correct diagnosis. I believe it's a problem with your spine, and my colleague here insists upon it being your hip. Please, tell us which of us is correct." "Well," the man replied "I guess all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas."

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurse's station and informed the staff his penis died. Realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, the staff decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," one replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. A nurse saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died." "It did" he said. "Today is the viewing."

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is a hospital administrator who just died after 30 years of service at the large medical center." "I'll take the administrator's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

A medical student was out walking outside a large medical office complex one day, and came upon a little girl, playing with a pile of shit. "Missy, what are you doing?" asked the doctor. "I'm building a Nurse," said the girl. The medical student, thinking this was quite funny, returned with a surgeon, and asked the same question. Again, the girl replied that she was building a Nurse. The surgeon, also thinking it was funny, went back to the medical office building, and brought a cardiologist with him. Again the question was asked, and the reply was the same. The cardiologist then asked the girl why she was building a Nurse. The girl replied, "Because I don't have enough shit to make a doctor."

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?" At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!"

Christmas Tunes for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you hear what I hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and Towns and Cars and Trucks, and Trees........
PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
DEPRESSION: Silent Anedonia, Holy Anedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock (start over at the beginning......)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas, My True Love Sent to Me, a Partridge in a Pear Tree, and Then He Took it Back BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of You Roasting on an Open Fire

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one." "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need... a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear." The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms." The third nurse fainted.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several ? false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was staggering by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a Policeman, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked: "What the hell was that all about?" The drunk was crying as he grabbed the Policeman and hugged him and sobbed: "Oh, thank God you're here, offishir, I've wash attacked by a ghost, but itsh okay now, I beat the crap outta it!"

Three doctors in a rowboat duck hunting, an internist, a radiologist and a surgeon. A duck flies overhead. The internist says, "I think it was a duck. Gotta rule out pigeon, widgeon, teal, merganser." A second duck flies overhead. The radiologist says, "I think it was a duck. Gotta do a barium enema to make sure." Third duck flies overhead. BLAM! The surgeon says, "I got it! What was it?"

"Doctor, I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady' and 'What's New Pussycat?' Can you help me?" " Ah yes, you appear to be suffering from 'Tom Jones Syndrome'." "Is it rare?" "Well...its not unusual...."

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears. "Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here." "Calm down. How long have you been like this?" "Like what?"

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Hey Doc I know guys my age start to get hair growing in their nose and ears and stuff, but look at this." Where upon he displays his penis which is covered with hair. The doctor says, "Gee never saw anything like that. "Am I in trouble?" asks the guy. The doctor takes some samples and tells the guy to call him in a few days. When the guy calls the doctor tells him not to worry but advises him to wash his hands better after using his Rogaine.

How long does it take a nurse to change a light bulb???
Only a minute, but then it takes 45 minutes to document.

How long does it take a nurse manager to change a light bulb???
Unknown...policy is still being written, skill day has to be scheduled, the task delegated and of course be approved for in the budget.

Why didn't the nurse change the light bulb?
Because after the state regulators came through and told her all the ways she wasn't supposed to be changing the light bulb, the nurse said screw it in yourself, and went to business school.

A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid that his teenage son had come down with V.D. "He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her." "Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things happen." "I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms." "That's unfortunate." "Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife." "Damn!" said the doc, "That means we all have it."

Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: A genealogist looks up the family tree, and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago.". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room. The nurse finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you." "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient. "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your testicles off during surgery, son." "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears. "But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsies and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA". The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem." "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess? How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

One woman says to another: "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!" The other woman replies with a smile: "Yeah, I know. His hands shake *all* the time!"

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "OK", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
Having your dentist tell you.

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the idiot who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's rectum. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his rectum. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's rectum. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his anus and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!