WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you.

5. When a beer goes flat, you toss it.

6. There is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO reason number six.

7. Hangovers go away.

8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never had a headache.

12. After you have had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.

15. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

16. A beer always goes down easy.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

19. A beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. A beer doesn't care when you come home.

22. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. Beer always comes in multiples of six

26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left

27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer

28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than

dumping the empty bottle

29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty

30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another

31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod

32. Beer looks the same in the morning

33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month

34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in

35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids

36. Beer doesn't get cramps

37. Beer doesn't have a mother

38. Beer doesn't have morals

39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month

40. Beer always listens and never argues

41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year

42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles

43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet

44. Beer doesn't demand legality

45. Beer is never overweight

46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony

47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards

48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer

49. Beer doesn't need much closet space

50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things

51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive

52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch

53. Beer never changes it's mind

54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get

55. Beer never asks you to change the station

56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping

57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass

58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks

59. Big, fat beers are nice to have

60. Beer doesn't pout or play games

61. Beer NEVER says no

63. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere

64. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers

65. Beer doesn't wear a bra

66. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty

67. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity

68. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper

69. Beer doesn't live with its mother

70. Beer doesn't blow you off

71. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners

72. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry

73. Beer doesn't mind football season

74. Beer won't make you go to church.

75. Beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.

76. Beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.

77. A beer takes about five seconds to get ready.

78. A beer doesn't give a f*** if you keep a bunch of other beers around.

79. Beer is never late.

80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the

babies are "cute".

81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.

82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of

"doberperson".

83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian

folk music on yer fave radio station.

84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.

85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the

toilet seat up.

86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer,

it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.

87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.

88. A beer won't smoke in your car.

89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down

an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner

out of the sky.

90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.

91. A beer will actually _support_ belching and farting and share yer

enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the

1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.

92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.

93. A beer never fishes for compliments.

94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.

95. Beer tastes _good_.

96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then

decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".

97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching

"John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on yer VCR.

98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.

99. A beer won't think the Circle Jerks are gross just because they're

called the Circle Jerks. (They _are_ gross, but that's not why).

100. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the

grocery store.

101. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy

"just for the articles". (You _are_ lying, but the beer won't

accuse you of it).

102. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants

game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football

League.

103. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the

excuse "but I saved a quarter!"

104. A beer will _never_ make you go to a Swedish movie.

105. A beer will _never_ make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on

channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.

106. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman"

instead of "Gene Hackperson".

107. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes

like STP Oil Treatment.

108. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't

make you ill.

109. You don't have to say "I love you" to a beer.

110. You don't have to impress a beer.

111. You don't have to see your beer every night.

112. Beer goes on sale.

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REASONS WHY A WOMAN IS BETTER THAN A BEER

1. You can spend all night with women and still find your car keys.

2. A beer won't watch the kids while you go bowling (or fishing).

3. Geeky undergrads don't need to show their ID to get a woman.

4. You can have sex with a woman without cutting your winkie in her.

5. You can have the same woman more than once (if you're UP to it).

6. You can have a woman as many times as you want without having to

pray to the porcelain goddess. (now repeat after me, all you jockish

frat-boys, "rrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFF")

7. You can have as many women as you want, and still drive safely.

8. A warm woman is more enjoyable than a warm beer.

9. A cold woman is more enjoyable than a warm beer.

10. (Kentucky residents only) A sow in heat is better than a warm beer.

11. Ever try to dress a beer up in a French maid or nurse's outfit?

12. You can get great head from a flat woman.

13. A beer bottle doesn't look any better with its labels off.

14. Peeling off beer labels isn't as much fun.

15. You can suck a beer at only one spot.

16. Enjoying a beer involves a *positive* calorie intake.

17. The bottom of a beer can isn't any interesting.

18. You can't eat a beer.

19. You can't buy a beer at 9AM on Sunday.

20. There's a law about driving after having too many beers

21. You have to be over 21 to enjoy a beer.

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86 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN

1. A beer makes life easier.

2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.

3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.

4. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.

5. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.

6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.

7. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.

8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.

9. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.

10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.

11. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.

12. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.

13. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.

14. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.

15. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.

16. A beer will never smell like a man.

17. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.

18. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.

19. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.

20. A beer doesn't sulk.

21. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.

22. A beer won't switch the TV channel.

23. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.

24. A beer doesn't snore.

25. A beer can't interrupt.

26. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.

27. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.

28. A beer doesn't belch.

29. Or fart.

30. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.

31. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.

32. A good beer is easy to find.

33. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.

34. A beer can't pout.

35. A beer doesn't have a mother.

36. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.

37. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.

38. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.

39. A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.

40. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".

41. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.

42. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.

43. A beer doesn't want children.

44. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.

45. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.

46. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.

47. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.

48. Hangovers go away.

49. A beer tastes good.

50. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.

51. A beer would never leave hair in the bottom of the bathtub.

52. A beer is never late.

53. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.

54. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.

55. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.

56. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.

57. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.

58. A beer never needs a shave.

59. You don't have to let a beer win.

60. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.

61. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you

have to sleep with a beer too.

62. A beer doesn't have morning breath.

63. A beer never wants to go to the drag races.

64. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.

65. A beer helps with the houswork.

66. A beer will never drink the last beer.

67. A beer will never fumble with your bra.

68. You can't get herpes from a beer.

69. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.

70. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.

71. A beer is seldom messy.

72. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.

73. After you've had a beer, all you're committed to doing is

throwing out the container.

74. A beer container is recyclable.

75. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.

76. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".

77. A beer is never tempermental.

78. A beer will never complain about your cooking.

79. A cold beer is a good beer.

80. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.

81. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.

82. A big, fat beer is nice to have.

83. A beer is never too sensitive.

84. A beer won't steal the covers.

85. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.

86. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.

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THE DRUNK'S SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

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SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

beer is unusually pale and clear.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

and the front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to

wrong part of face.

ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.

Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points

toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while

complain to the owner about its lack of house

training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.

FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to

air-hockey game in progress.

ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and

flourscent light strip across it.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on

your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone

to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION REQUIRED: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.

FAULT: The Bar is closing.

ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.

You cannot see your bedroom.

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.

ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.

If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.