| Scene 1: We go back to the comedy club, where MONROE and MR SPONTANEOUS are duking it out on the floor in a bitter fight over Spontaneous's comedy routine [see Episode #3D] Monroe: ...You... bastard... I'll show you a 'punchline'. Mr Spontaneous: [Pausing to admire the witty remark] Aaah, nice pun... too bad I'm about to punch your lights out! [The two leap at each other again and fall to the floor in a seething mass of virulent testosterone] Cynthia: Guys... STOP THIS! [Sponty and Monroe continue to fight] Hamish: [touching Cynthia on the arm] Let them go... it's the only way they'll learn. People like us have no need nor time for their childish chicanery-- Hamish: Yeah? Cynthia: Stop working your hand up my arm towards my breasts. Hamish: Oh, yeah... [moves hand back down her arm] ...Sorry. Cynthia: In fact, just please stop touching me altogether. Hamish: B-B-But.... I'm trying to comfort you-- [The two fighting friends roll into a table, sending glass flying everywhere. They keep fighting] Cynthia: All right, this has to stop... Steps in between them, breaking them apart Cynthia: Stop it, you pair of boobs! [turns to Hamish] Hamish, not a word. Hamish, who was about to make a smooth comment about pairs of boobs, resists the urge Cynthia: What has gotten into you two? You're best friends for years... then you, Sponty... you make some hurtful jokes about Monroe and his business... and you, Monroe, you just resort to violence to try and sort it out. Haven't you worked anything out from all those times you held Sesame Street Midnight-til-dawn marathons? Monroe: [looks ashamed] Yeah, you're right, Cyn... Friends are such important peop-- Monroe is interrupted by a punch to the jaw by Spontaneous Cynthia: SPONTY! Monroe: Ow!!...What the f**k was that?! [Pause] Mr S.: He left himself open. First rule of boxing: never leave yourself op-- Monroe counter-punches. Fists fly again. Cynthia: Hey... Hey...HEY!!!! The two combatants stop again Cynthia: Geez... You're making it very hard to broker peace... Monroe: Well maybe we don't want to broker peace! [Pause] Mr S.: Mate, if I were you I'd broker peace... you slap like a girl... Monroe looks pissed. Spontaneous prepares for the killer blow - psychologically speaking. Mr S.: You're gonna get it now, my friend. Sponty winds up, and unleashes his furious fist. Monroe dodges and lands a punch to Sponty's stomach, doubling him over. Monroe: Eat that, bitch... Kicks Sponty while he's on the ground Monroe: ...And that one's for burning my collection of Smash Hits magazines, figlio di putana! Sponty simpers on the ground like a little girl. Monroe picks up his coat and leaves. Cynthia: MONROE!... COME BACK!! [forgets Monroe for now, and instead tends to Sponty]. Sponty, are you ok? Mr S.: I don't know... oh Buddha, save me... save me... Cyn, I saw a light just now, but I fighting it. I think I'll be fine. Cynthia: Good. [slaps Sponty right in the face] Mr S.: OWWWWW!... What the f**k was that for?! Cynthia: You're an ass, you know that? What was with all that baiting of Monroe? He's your best friend! Remember that 'experience' you always allude to at your year 6 school camp?... Mr S.: Shhhh! Not so loud, Cyn. People can hear you. Cynthia: Yes, well... you both share an incredibly strong bond that may or may not extend to dabblings in homo-erotic 'experiments' - how coul you turn against your best friend like this?! [Pause] Mr S.: [scoffing] Homo-erotic... geez, I tried on a pair of his underwear - WITH the lights turned out - and now it's 'homo-erotic'? Cynthia: [shaking her head] The point is, you hump, that the two of you shouldn't be at each other's throats like this. Sure, sometimes the closest of people fight - it wouldn't be healthily otherwise - but you two were about to kill each other! Mr S.: [Sighs] ....You're right. You're so, so right. [Gets up off the floor]. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to buy a gun that can't be traced back to me. Cynthia: [incredulous] Have you listened to anything - anything? - that I've just said?! Mr S.: Uh... I think I mentioned Monroe's underwear, but you definitely brought it up. [Pause] Cynthia: [To Hamish] Come on, Haim, we're going. Hamish: [Looking at Sponty whilst wrapping a protective arm around Cynthia] Yeah, I'll take you somewhere nice, hon... away from this lunatic. The two head to the door Cynthia: [assertive] Hamish.... I warned you about touching me. "But Elmo like socks! Why you take Elmo socks away, Oscar?" Cinema Manager: [chuckling admiringly] Aaah, this show has never lost its edge. There is a knock at the door Cinema Manager: Who could that be? All my pretend friends who work under me left hours ago... He gets up and opens the door. Outside stands Monroe, looking upset Cinema Manager: Son!... W-W-What's wrong? Monroe: It's Sponty... we had a fight. We've never been like that before - at least not this year. Cinema Manager: Come in son, come in... They walk to sit at CM's desk Cinema Manager: [talking cheerfully] Hey buddy... look what's on TV! Monroe: [sees TV] Oh, holy shit... this is a classic! [mouthing the words as they are said on screen] The audio coming from the television: "Elmo don't like mean Grouches! Elmo think he gonna cry!" "Argh... see if I care, you little red furball..." Monroe: Aaah... this is the tonic I needed... But Dad? Cinema Manager: Yes, Son? Monroe: Why is Elmo so f**king egocentric? He always talks in the third person... like the Rock or something. Cinema Manager: [thinks] Well... maybe Elmo came to Sesame Street after a successful pro-wrestling career. Although, I can't see it... Monroe: Yeah... Cinema Manager: ...Those little sticks they use to move his arms around could easily be snapped like the twigs that they are by any number of muscular opponents. [They watch, motionless, for a little while] Cinema Manager: So, tell me about this fracas you had with Sponty. Monroe: Well, he was doing his comedy routine, everything was going well, then he starts cracking jokes about me and my business. Real 'bringing my name into disrepute' stuff. Cinema Manager: I see..... but what are they?! Just words! How can words come between a friendship like yours? Monroe: Yeah, I guess you're right. Cinema Manager: [points to the screen] I mean, look at Elmo and Oscar. Little Elmo never gave up until he got his prized socks back... and even though Elmo and Oscar differ in personal ideology - what, with Elmo being a scrawny little cutie-pie and Oscar a staunch Grouch and lover of garbage - they still manage to get along in the end. Monroe: Yeah... hey, you're right! Elmo never gives up, does he? [Pause] Monroe: Dad, you've given me all the advice I need. [Gets up] Cinema Manager: W-Wait!... You sure you don't want to stay for an obscenely over-priced Jumbo Cup in the drink of your choice? Monroe: [smiles] No Dad, no... what I need to do can't wait. Cinema Manager: All right son. Good luck. [He smiles, then remembers something] Cinema Manager: [shouting] DON'T FORGET TOMORROW IS HALF-PRICE TUESDAY! Scene 3: Spontaneous sits quietly at the comedy club's bar, drinking and contemplating. A man enters. Mr S.: [singing mournfully] ..."I started a joke... that had... the... whole... world... laughing...." [Starts sobbing] The Man approaches Man: Mr Spontaneous? Mr S.: [lifting head] Yeah, that's me... Man: Ok... So you're Mr Franz Spontaneous? I just want to check I don't have the wrong 'Mr Spontaneous'. Mr S.: [looking incredulous] There's only one Mr Spontaneous... and yeah, 'Franz' is my current alias. What's it to you? Man: Geez, you're a piece of work. No wonder you're being served with a civil action. Mr S.: [sits up] What?! Man: Yeah, a 'Monroe Cleitwald' is suing you for public defamation. Something to do with a stand-up comedy act? Mr S.: I...I...wha...? Man: It says here, quote, a "shit-house stand-up act". They're the words of his lawyer. Anyway, here is your summons... sign here for verification. Sponty signs the clipboard: 'Franz Josef Imesh Spontaneous' Man: Best of luck. [leaves the club] Mr S.: I'm being sued?......... Who the hell is 'Sue'? MONROE IS SUING SPONTANEOUS?! WILL LAME JOKES LIKE THAT LAST LINE HELP HIM WIN? OR WILL THEY HINDER HIS CASE EVEN FURTHER? HAVE THESE TWO LEARNT NOTHING FROM THE TELEMOVIE 'ELMO GETS HIS SOCKS BACK'? HOW CAN SPONTANEOUS AFFORD TO PAY COSTS IN THE EVENT THAT HE LOSES? MONROE'S LAST NAME IS 'CLEITWALD'? SPONTY'S NAME IS 'FRANZ'? DO THESE NAMES SOUND TO YOU LIKE THE WRITER'S LAZY IDEA? I MEAN, REALLY, WHO HAS A NAME LIKE CLEITWALD? WHY HAS HAMISH SUDDENLY ESCALATED HIS ATTEMPTS TO WOO CYNTHIA SO THAT, INSTEAD OF BEING A SMOOTH-TALKING LOVE MACHINE, HE'S NOW NOTHING MORE THAN A SLIMY GROPING SLEAZE? WILL CYNTHIA GET NEW FRIENDS? FOR THE ANSWERS TO ALL (IE. NONE) OF THESE AND MORE QUESTIONS, COME BACK NEXT WEEK (HOPEFULLY) FOR THE NEXT ENTHRALLING EPISODE OF 'MR SPONTANESOUS'! |