Both the Helot Revolt and the Pan Hellenic Congress had a profound impact on Greek History. They were as earth-shattering as the time I shaved my eyebrows when I was aged 8, or the time that the Western Suburbs Rugby League Club (sic) last won a game. Or even as ground-breaking as Cheech and Chong’s first foray into the world of serious acting in the teary, emotional drama "The Little Boy Made Of Hemp". Both the revolt and the Congress helped shape history and change the face of Greece, particularly the powerful cities of Sparta and the imperial Athens. They also made it necessary for 17 year-old guys like me with only dreams of turning 18 and scoring with cheap hookers (or "escorts" as I prefer to call them) to actually be interested in something that is so distant and irrelevant to me --not to degrade those who ARE interested; actaully, yes: I’m degrading those that are interested, so there....I guess the compromise is to score with a hooker named Athena (or even Pericles).
Anyhoo, what was I talking about?......Ohhhhh, yeah..... "The Little Boy Made Of Hemp". The harrowing Oscar©-nominated drama starring Cheech Marinez as the man who has smoked so much marijuana (pot, mary jane, green etc.) over the years that his wife (played by Chong in a fetching blonde wig) gives birth to a son whose cells and very DNA are composed of said illicit substance....The movie documents the class struggles and prejudices that the boy --affectionately named "Leafy" (and played by rising child star Haley Joel Osment) by his doting parents-- must face, such as segregation, torment by the Police and the countless approahes by clothing companies to buy him and make him into jeans. Particularly horrifying is the ordeal that occurs when Leafy becomes lost on the way home from school and ends up at a hippy commune south of San Francisco and is nearly ‘smoked’ to death by guys in tie-dyed shirts who bear a startling resemblance to Cheech and Chong....needless to say, the critics were enthralled and unanimous in their praise....a simply marvellous film and a delightful family movie to boot!
OK, cool, that’s a page filled in this essay....back to the Helot revolt. The Helots were the subjugate slaves of Sparta (who sold sea-shells by the sea-shore, but that’s totally irrelevant at this juncture) and were forced to labour for the Spartiates, growing crops and conducting genetic experiments on domesticated pigs and wolves in order to one day create the ultimate hunting animal: the Piolf. But despite these scientific innovations, the Helots were obviously disenchanted with their conditions, and were convinced that they were powerless to alter them until first a disruptive earthquake and then a visit by a group of Gay Eskimoes --who had escaped a similar fate at the hands of their cruel overlords, the Piolf-Men-- convinced the Helots to form an Organised Union and attempt to take mass industrial action until better conditions were negotiated. When this failed, they just rebelled and broke shit up. This challenge to to her authority and the loss of such valuable man-hours affected Sparta greatly. Then, as if that weren’t enough, Piolves stampeded and ruined the weakened city.
The Pan-Hellenic Congress --originally conceived to swap Star Trek cards and debate the merits of LAN v Cable Modems, but later expanded to include politcal discussion-- affected Greece and surrounding states as the treatment of Corcyra eventually inspired a war dubbed by modern scholars as the "Rumble in the Medditerranean". Not a very catchy title, admittedly, but then these scholars and historians aren’t very inventive. That’s why they study history....It’s already there laid out for them. Then they finish writing their latest textbook, go to the kitchen to make a vanilla milkshake and re-tape their thick-rimmed glasses.
Nerds.
NOTE:This, like all of my other historical essays (expect that plain stupid Pauly Shore/Genghis Khan one) is completely historically accurate. Kids, feel free to just copy & print it and hand it in as your own work if you’re just struggling to meet that assessment deadline (DISCLAIMER: I take no responsibility whatsoever for any expulsions/Board of Education Official Inquiries that result from the use of this essay).
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