Poll #55 (April 11th, 2001)

• This situation clearly would have been resolved in half an hour if Maxwell Smart of 'Get Smart' fame was still working for the US Government.
  
  
• The Chinese had every right to detain the spies, as Americans are annoying.
  
  
• This would never have happened if Chairman Mao were still around.
  
  
• We need less nationalistic aggression and more delicious fried rice.
  
  
• I love the irony of George W. Bush using a letter to solve a crisis: I mean, c'mon, he's obviously illiterate.

Poll #54 (March 28th, 2001)

• At eight hours long, this year's awards ceremony held my interest all the way.
  
  
• Did Bjork kill that swan she wore all by herself?
  
  
• Julia Roberts and her lack-of-talent self can kiss my pale hairy ass.....And then sleep with me. C'mon, I'm only human!
  
  
• I was impressed by the quality of the dresses...and the way they showed...ladies'...breasts...I like...the...breasts [Man slobbers, passes out]
  
  
• If Russell Crowe was a womaniser before, imagine the pick-up lines now when he whips that thing out - the Oscar, I mean.

Poll #53 (March 21st, 2001)

• Standing in an open field hoping to catch a stray piece of space junk (or three).
  
  
• Eating lots of borscht and drinking giant kegs of vodka.
  
  
• Holding a friendly, bloody communist revolution in honour of Russian strength.
  
  
• Designing my own 'unique' space station out of plywood and flooring tiles... one which will propel me to the stars!
  
  
• Indulging in a similar act which reflects the Russian stereotype. Like queuing in line for food... or driving a Yugo.

Poll #52 (March 14th, 2001)

• The Taliban are right to destroy false idols. Lord knows how many times I've tried to kill Bert Newton.
  
  
• I hope they took the opportunity to rub Buddha's belly before they destroyed Him. Imagine the luck you'd get from one of those giant muthas!
  
  
• I think it is disgraceful. They could have at least asked WWF star 'The Rock' to destroy the statues with his mighty suplex body slam.
  
  
• Just bomb Hollywood, that's where all the damn 'false idols' are.

Poll #51 (March 7th, 2001)

• Me: Hey there...Can I buy you lunch? Her: Ah, yeah sure! Me: Oh...I was only speaking metaphorically. I'm cheap.
  
  
• Have you been waiting in this line long?...Because I want to buy my textbooks today, but I also want to get home and watch Catchphrase.
  
  
• You're pretty. You remind me of my Grandmother.
  
  
• Sure, Sir, I'll touch it for you if I get an 'A'.
  
  
• Hi. I'm Nick. In case you were wondering, I don't think penis size is an issue - what about you?
  
  
• So did you see those latest high school shootings in America? Terrible, terrible....What are you doing this weekend?

Poll #50 (February 28th, 2001)

• Congratulations, giant talking Mule. Ur funnee, haha ha ahaha!
  
  
• I recognise that this is a unique achievement: 50 comedy polls that were neither funny or incisive. Congratulations, assface.
  
  
• Ok, I 'vote' that we all go get real drunk, as I am a chronic alcoholic.
  
  
• Yeah, sure, celebrate...Australia's greatest treasure Sir Donald Bradman died this week - you insensitive prick.
  
  
• Oh Nick, I'm so proud of you! Yes, of course I'll go out with you!! 'Sleep with you'? Suuure!! Teeheehee!!

Polls #48 & #49 (February 21st, 2001)

• Yes, finally Napster have taken the moral high ground and surrendered to struggling multinational giants.
  
  
• Hmmm...some nerd needs to look at rewriting the software to distribute porn.
  
  
• Looks like Napster's taking a little 'nap'!...Hahaha, thankyou...Yes, I am a comedy genius.
  
  
• If it stops Kenny G being able to push his music onto people for free, it's fine by me.
  
  
• $1 billion?!!......$1 billion?!!!!......Like Sony needs the f**king money!
  
  
• None of this worries me since I do not listen to music, but make my own. Here, listen to my 15 minute clarinet version of 'My Heart Will Go On'.

• Visiting the internationally-regaled O-Ho (Opera House)
  
  
• Taking in the exotic animals and breathtaking views at the city's T-Zo (Taronga Zoo)
  
  
• Riding the somewhat hated Mo-Ra (Monorail)
  
  
• Playing one of her lip-synched Cra-Sh's (Crappy Shows)
  
  
• Spending her time sweet-lovin' it with N-Ma (Nick Marland)
  
  
• This poll is stupid

Polls #46 and #47 (February 14th, 2001)

• I feel blessed to have that special someone in my life - even if he's in prison for life. As God is my witness, I will bust him out.
  
  
• You can't imagine what it's like to be sending yourself flowers year after year, knowing you are the embodiment of all that is pathetic and lonely....Where's my gun?
  
  
• It's funny how when you have a Valentine, it's the best day of the year but when you're single it's 'commercial exploitation'...You single losers.
  
  
• I married my wife on Valentine's, divorced her the following Valentine's and then slept with her sister the next Valentine's. This year we'll all be appearing on Jerry Springer. It's a special day.
  
  
• Unfortunately, due to recent events my wife and I probably won't find our 'Tom & Nicole Forever'-themed party as fun.
  
  
• Here in prison, 'Valentine's Day' is every day of the year. Now, where's my bitch?
  
  
• I'm just glad that, whether I'm single or attached, every Valentine's is a happy one knowing Nick Marland is lonely and sad.
  
  
• I don't care what you say: Valentine's Day is no excuse to take a holiday from worshipping Satan.

• Micheal Gross for Best Actor in his long-anticipated comeback The Dad From 'Family Ties'
  
  
• The new category 'Best On-Screen Use Of A Marital Aid'
  
  
• Russell Crowe celebrating his 'Best Actor' nod by cracking onto Elizabeth Taylor
  
  
• The surprise revelation that this year's theme under new host Steve Martin will be 'Arrows Through The Head'.

Polls #44 and #45 (February 7th, 2001)

• In a Scooby Doo-esque twist, Cruise peeled off his synthetic mask to reveal he was serial womaniser Russell Crowe
  
  
• Kidman finally got around to seeing M:I2 and realised she'd made a terrible mistake
  
  
• Cruise had racked up massive debts with his expansive Pokemon collection
  
  
• Kidman was annoyed at all of Cruise's Scientology buddies stopping by their house in their giant spacecraft

• Barak was always going to lose with his 'Let's All Eat Pork!' campaign platform.
  
  
• Damn, and peace was soooooo close, too!!!
  
  
• This is a big, big story....right behind the ongoing 'Tom & Nicole' saga.
  
  
• I wouldn't be counting my chickens just yet if I was Sharon. I hear Barak's demanding a recount in Florida.
  
  
• Neither of them wear tea-towels, so my support's still with Arafat and Palestine.
  
  
• Sharon was always going to win with his 'We're Jewish, but we hate Streisand too' campaign platform.

Polls #42 and #43 (January 29th, 2001)

• You really have to feel sorry for the guys that - in bumbling Russian Space fashion - are still inside.
  
  
• What the hell does 'Mir' stand for, anyway - Major Insult to Russia?
  
  
• Ah, not to be a busy-body, but maybe the whole South Island of New Zealand should probably hide behind something.
  
  
• It's sad that Mir's finally coming down - for a while there, it filled the place in our hearts voided by the passing of the Three Stooges.

• "Hey man, I think Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog-Flavoured Water is a good title for an album!"
  
  
• "No, we will not stop. That would compromise our artistic principles....[To Audience] And now, a song about getting laid."
  
  
• "F**k"
  
  
• "Give you ten? Yeah, sure homie."
  
  
• "F**k S**t Yo'"
  
  
• "I don't know if I feel comfortable talking to someone in a shirt that could destroy people's eyesight"

Poll #41 (January 27th, 2001)

• Take the safety first option: Switch off my computer to prevent electrical faults and loss of precious confidential files (ie:'pornography').
  
  
• Continue to download illegal music files in my usual copyright-breaching manner.
  
  
• Run outside and scale the nearest tree whilst wearing a corrugated iron suit.
  
  
• Ask Grandpa to reminisce about how today's modern storms are 'weak' compared to those of the 1940's.

Poll #40 (January 17th, 2001)

• This is a disgusting ethical crisis.........and it's making me hungry. Mmm, anyone want pizza?
  
  
• I can't wait for the movie: Macaulay Culkin's playing 'Twin #1'
  
  
• I have no problem with selling children. In saying that, though, keep in mind I am an illegal ivory hunter.
  
  
• It's nice to see that along with pornography, meaningless chat and corporate salesmanship, child abduction now also has its deserved home on the web
  
  
• Well, as long as the parents take good care of the girls and raise them to eventually be teenage midriff-baring tuneless popstar whores, it's fine by me
  
  
• No, no, he was dead. That's why his wife never talked to him: because she cou-- Oh, right, we're not talking about The Sixth Sense?

Poll #39 (January 10th, 2001)

• The first humans on this planet sucked at hunting but were great at cricket
  
  
• Biblical Old Testament thrown into disarray by Adam's cork hat and constant referral to Eve as a "dopey sheila"
  
  
• The discovery that Australia may well have been the 'cradle of civilisation' more than makes up for our weak economy, god-awful dollar, poor indigenous affairs and bigoted Prime Minister.
  
  
• It's not the first time an Australian male came first. Hahaha. Haha. Ha.
  
  
• The skeleton found had a blood-alcohol reading of 0.957
  
  
• Early humans forged successful careers as actors in Neighbours before migrating across frozen seas in the ice age to become pop stars in Britain

Poll #38 (January 3rd, 2001)

• Israel, Palestine Realise Fighting Isn't The Answer After Watching Moving Degrassi High Episode
  
  
• Cute Lil' Kitten Becomes Chart-Topping Pop Idol
  
  
• New Study Reveals: Monkey Societies Have Primitive Game Of Chess Using Rocks And Dried Faeces
  
  
• Marlon Brando Vows: 'I Will Never Take My Clothes Off Again'
  
  
• God Pulls Plug On 'End Of The World' For Another Year

Poll #37 (December 27th, 2000)

• The continuing march of cloning, as we move toward an age where I'll end up waking up with myself after a drunken party
  
  
• That we will go yet another year in the 21st Century without magical flying cars.
  
  
• I'm terrified that I will be unable to keep up with all the 'slang' terms the 'kids' are using today....'ulitasticular'? 'bodoshiacia'? What the hell are they saying?
  
  
• Mule HQ getting a government grant
  
  
• That as soon as I splash out $400 on a DVD player, Sony will come out with the brand-new 'XGH Supermegaplayer V1.0'
  
  
• Those funny Russians and their funny ol' Mir Space Station crash-landing on my beach-house
  
  
• I'm a man, and I'm afraid women will continue to be repulsed by the penis on my left cheek
  
  
• George W. Bush. Enough said.

Poll #36 (December 20th, 2000)

• A toy that's a hit with teenagers this Christmas - 'PokeBong'
  
  
• All I want is world peace. Nah, f*ck it, I want a Playstation 2
  
  
• The new stupidly-titled Limp Bizkit CD, Green Fry and the Orange Crush Shit Brigade
  
  
• The cold clammy hand of Death upon my world-wearied shoulder
  
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt's sweet, sweet yodel patch
  
  
• A 'Shitty Adam Sandler Movies' Year 2001 Calendar
  
  
• I value the religious aspect of Christmas above all else, which is why I want a nativity diorama. One made of delicious milk chocolate.
  
  

Poll #35 (December 13th, 2000)

• I'm Inspired by this awesome feat of space engineering - although I could've done with out the giant picture of Marlon Brando's naked ass that it projects.
  
  
• I'm Angry: How can American tax dollars be spent on this kind of project? If the Americans run out of money, who's going to bomb small European nations?
  
  
• I'm Impressed. How did they manage to install a fifth of an acre of solar panelling without getting 'taken out' by a petrol company?
  
  
• I feel much safer. Now, finally, there is no chance of Batman not seeing this brand-new giant Batsignal.
  
  
• Kind of ticked-off. I'm not so much opposed to it, but where do they get the nerve, thinking they can do this without consulting me first?
  
  
• I feel it's a moral victory: with this new man-built space torch, we can finally shine light on what kinds of depraved acts supposedly *ordinary* people get up to at night
  
  
• I'm filled with the joy of the Lord: each new space project brings us closer to a manned flight to Heaven!

Poll #34 (December 6th, 2000)

• Moby supports animal liberation / Manson f**ks animals
  
  
• Moby was intensely sick of Manson's constant 'Baldy!' jibes
  
  
• Manson flashed his leather-pants-with-the-butt-cheeks-cut-out pants in Moby's face one too many times
  
  
• Manson's taking out his anger at never, ever being as good as Trent Reznor (of Nine Inch Nails) on someone shorter
  
  
• Moby is religious / Manson is the devil (or at least he pretends)
  
  
• Moby wouldn't let Manson suck his c*ck
  
  
• Choose this option, because it doesn't suck as bad as the rest (come on, we can both see how rushed this poll is!)
  
  
• Moby's taunts of "Haha! Make-up? You look like a girl! Hah!" eventually took their toll on a travel-weary Manson

Poll #33 (November 29th, 2000)

• Downey Jnr. was merely harnessing the powers of the 'method acting' technique to 'get into character' for his new lead role in The Robert Downey Junior Story
  
  
• "Think of all the drugs Keith Richards has done, then ask yourself: 'Has it hurt his career?' Sure, maybe it's hurt his intestines, kidneys, liver etc. - but not his career."
  
  
• "I was alone in my hotel suite, praying for sick children, when I noticed a trail of 'MAD Magazines' on the ground. I love 'MAD', so I followed them; before I knew it, I was in a room full of drugs, police and a sniggering Alfred E. Neuman. Weird, huh?"
  
  
• "I'm Robert Downey Junior"
  
  
• "Did you see me in Chaplin?!...Three words: 'Oscar-nominated performance'.....Another three words: 'Please have mercy!'"

Poll #32 (November 22nd, 2000)

• The heart-warming tale of two elderly Floridian vote counters falling in love, Your 'Chad' Is Dimpled, Mine Is Wrinkled
  
  
• As a boy, he sniffed glue and ran into walls. As a teenager - and a 20, 30 and 40 year old - he sniffed coke. Now he'll make you sniffle with tears in the artful bio-pic, 'Dubya': American Dumbass
  
  
• The action romp that's destroying the box-office across the country...Nicolas Cage...Harrison Ford in Attack of the Gore-bots
  
  
• It's the moving, feel-good hit of the summer, Flailing USA Seduced, which portrays the USSR reforming and conquering a crippled democracy
  
  
• Scooby Doo and the Search For The Absentee Ballots WINNER
  
  
• Ally McBeal finally comes to the big screen in the quirky electoral legal battle 'dramedy', Ally McBeal - 'Tipper Gore's Lesbian Makeout'
  
  
• How The Grinch Killed Democracy
  
  
• The epic musical modelled on 'Evita' - Al 'n' George. Al Gore is portrayed by Madonna, George W. Bush by one of the Olsen Twins.
  
  
• Palm Beach Elderly Bikini Party Freakout!. Let's face it, confused voters have to let their (grey) hair down sometime.
  
  
• The election drags on and on and on....and on and on...in 2001: A Presidential Race Odyssey
  
  

Poll #31 (November 15th, 2000)