Now that's the description for this page that I'd be proud to give....here's the one where I'm drunk on 'Truth Serum': "No-one cares about this crap; just read the damn results, try to raise a chuckle, then shake your head.....geez, you people make me sick!!!"

....Verrrry drunk on 'Truth Serum'

AAAnnnywaaaaay, all that oddness aside, here are the previous votes and their results (winning option in italics)...

Page 1
Page 2: 'The Early Years'
Page 3: 'It Seems Like Yesterday...'
Contents
Mule HQ


Polls #20 and #21 (August 11th, 2000)

American Senator Joseph Lieberman made history this week by being selected by Democratic Presidential Candidate Al Gore as his running mate. He becomes the first Jewish member of the presidential ticket in history. In the case of a Democratic victory:
  • The White House will feature much more stand-up comedy from day to day.

  • Foreign enemies will be punished with trade sanctions and denounced as 'Schleps'.

  • Due to Lieberman's success, Woody Allen, Jerry Seinfeld and Krusty The Klown all announce entrance into politics.

  • Something will occur involving the return of Moses


Bravenet.com, hosts of this prestigious poll, screwed me around this week by converting to a new hard-drive, which will provide a much safer environment for holding information but which also screwed me around. To get revenge on this internet tools provider I should:
  • Call them 'Internet Tools', then sit by myself for several hours chuckling....Then start crying about my miserable life.

  • Put aside any hostility and and thank them for allowing me to pollute the world with such garbage....Then start crying about my miserable life.

  • Run a nasty smear campaign telling people the world over how my two loyal Mule HQ fans - myself and an old man living in Boston and confused about his gender - were truly devastated by the delays caused by Bravenet's upgrade.

  • Let down their tyres. Then realise that's my parent's car.

  • Count to ten and go do some soothing yoga until I hold no more grudges.

  • Use the truly hurtful 'I know you are, but what am I?' tactic.



Poll #19 (August 2nd, 2000)

The Concorde Disaster. Wildfires in the Western United States. Bill Gates. Unrest, War, Violence...Let’s face it, the news lately has mostly been bad. Which of the following stories would you most like to see in the coming week?:
  • "Man Donates Millions To Underprivileged Children, Gives Blood, Gives Birth To Cute Kittens"

  • "Celine Dion Retires, Apologises For Career"

  • "Yassar Arafat Pulls Off Headwear To Reveal A Workable Peace Compromise"

  • "Scientists Confirm Wonderful Truth: Ebola & AIDS Just Harmless Hoaxes"

  • "Harlem Globetrotters Intervene To Find A Solution In Cricket’s Matchfixing Scandal"

  • "Pharmaceutical Company Reveals New Pill Which Similtaneously Cures Male Pattern Baldness And Makes Armpits Lilac-Fresh"

  • "Computer Programmers: The New Sex Gods?"

  • "Sport Finally Officially Recognised As Religion"

  • "New Statistics Point To Increase In Sex, Money, Friends And General Happiness For Everybody...Except Little Known Australian Web-page Owner Nick Marland"

  • "Geneva Convention Summit Unanimously Agrees To Hunt And Kill N’SYNC, Backstreet Boys, Others"



Poll #18 (July 19th, 2000)

Last weekend a Florida jury ruled in favour of the plaintiffs in the 'Florida Tobacco Trial', awarding them a staggering US$145 billion in punitive damages, subject to appeal. How do you think cigarette companies will cope with this financially crippling verdict and rebuild their empires?:
  • Work out a compromised cigarette product which replaces tobacco and addictive nicotine with harmless animal dung.

  • Smoke. Smoke a lot.

  • Ask Bill Gates for legal advice

  • Organise new promotional campaign where Wonka-esque character places gold tickets inside some cigarettes

  • Less filtering on cigarettes, more sweet crack cocaine

  • Hire Dr Kevorkian to advertise health benefits of smoking

  • Plunge investment money into profitable Sierra Leone diamonds

  • Start at the grassroots level: Make chewing tobacco available in school canteens

  • New Slogan: "Cigarettes: With your money and support, eventually we will put a man on the Sun".

  • Use PR to their advantage: Increase philanthropic and charity activities to soften public image, and recognise the harm done by their products. If this fails, use billions of dollars to bribe the judge at the appeal trial.



Poll #17 (July 12th, 2000)

Last Friday the latest book in the Harry Potter series - wildly popular with children - went on sale worldwide, to tremendous media attention and sales. The book is called Goblet of Fire - which of the following to you see as the likely title and premise of the next Potter book?:
  • Harry Potter and the Stolen DNA Test Results - Harry strives against all odds through perilous and oftentimes magical scenarios to reclaim the blood sample results which will tell him who his real father is.

  • Harry Potter and the Drummonds - Harry discovers a magical orb which transfers him into the body of Gary Coleman circa Diff’rent Strokes. Harry must use his wits to constantly deliver the laughs before a live studio audience and find his way back to the present

  • Harry Potter Got Tha’ Blues - Harry enters puberty and becomes confused over questions of his identity, gender and very self. His downward spiral finds him discovering the music of The Smiths and The Cure, as well as experimenting with make-up and hallucinogens. He realises that he is being hounded by the ‘Puberty Demons’ who have cast a spell of ravenous hormones upon him, and tries to fight his way back to normality

  • Harry Potter Meets Dr. Destructo - Reminiscient of a 1970s Superman comic villain combined with a 60s Bond villain, Dr. Destructo resides in Naughty Mountain and points his Mega-Colossus Death Ray at major cities, demanding gold buillion in exchange for not destroying these cities. In an unexpected twist, Harry befriends Destructo and the two plot to conquer the Earth

    Harry Potter Kicks Some Ass - Harry discovers the magic of firearms and relies less on his wits in this latest adventure. Author’s note: Highest body-count of any Harry Potter Book



Polls #15 and #16 (July 3rd, 2000)

  • Mule H-wha?

  • The same way I live the rest of my life - drunken hoe-down

  • What this site has achieved isn't important. What is important is that the creator's education is suffering as a result of it.

  • ...we want Urkel....We Want Urkel....WE WANT URKEL!!!!

  • Making a sacrifice to Demeter, the Greek Goddess of Agriculture

  • ...we want Russ, The Tom Selleck Impersonator! We Want Russ, the Tom Selleck Impersonator!!!



Question 2: Last week the unveiling of the results of the Human Genome project sparked excitement and worry across the world. What do you think or hope these findings will be used for or achieve?

  • A working map of what the hell makes Fabio tick

  • An end to those often amateurish and messy experimental attempts at 'do-it-youself genetic engineering' and 'home cloning' that so many of us have tried at home

  • The final piece of the puzzle we need to ensure there are no more ugly, smelly children in generations to come

  • Just what organised crime bosses have been waiting for: A genetic blackmarket where kidneys are bought and sold like fairy floss

  • Hopefully make movies like Weird Science a delightful reality for millions of horny, pubescent teenage males

  • Provide the much-needed genetic tools to once and for all wipe out Bob Saget




Poll #14 (June 21st, 2000)

In the United States (where else?) this week the Supreme Court ruled against public school districts letting students say prayers over public address system at high school football games. This is:
  • A much-needed separation of Church and State

  • Good news for the high school team known as the Albany High Athiests

  • A slap in the face to all of those Christian American Football players who enjoy paying respects to their Father in Heaven and praying for peace on Earth before attempting to seriously maim/decapitate the opposition Quarterback

  • Bad news for the high school team known as the West Philadelphia Puritans

  • A much-needed boost to the one true religion: Big-time Sports

  • A nice thing for the star players of high school teams: Now they can forgo religion and feel less guilty about banging a cheerleader after the game

  • A sign that the American national anthem will be extended to even more boring lengths to accomodate the gap left in the program

  • The final sign needed for actor Gary Busey (a.k.a Satan) to launch his apocalyptic assault on the hearts and minds of the football-going public.



Poll #13 (June 14th, 2000)

Last Thursday, the Olympic Torch arrived in Outback Australia before beginning a symbolic 27,000km journey to Sydney and the Opening Ceremony on September 15th. What are your thoughts on this historic event which brings people together?
  • "So what? Look.....I have 13 toes! Impressive, huh?"

  • "I tell you man, if that evil...fire...stick....thing...come near me....BAM! ZWAK! POW! No more fire...Fire hot. Fire burn. Fire scare Og!"

  • "I think it is a terrific, community event. Now excuse me while I go and sob for my starving children, my minimum-wage earnings and my unfulfiled aspirations."

  • "Hey, do you mind? Olympics, Schmylimpics....That Judge wants to break up my precious multi-billion dollar company!"

  • I liken the the Olympic torch and it's awe-inspiring symbolism to the heroic feats of 'The Rock': truly pro-wrestling's greatest titan"

  • "I'm a masochist and a pyromaniac, so now you understand why my pants are slightly stained"

  • "I blame that flame for all the problems we have in this country....In fact, I think the flame's arrival correlates with a forecast rise in interest rates and the falling dollar. Ahem."

  • "Screw the flame, I want to know how I can ditch my current job and join the fat-cats of the IOC, enjoying perks and unethical practices as I back-stab my way to the top. They get the very best hookers, you know."


Comments: Man, that damn 13-toe guy....He’s let all this poll success get to his head; luckily I can counter by reminding him he is a thirteen-toed freak, or he’d be out of control, his ego a swelling thirteen-toed mess.
Incidentally, the 'thirteen-toe' option won the 13th Mule HQ Hot Topic Vote. Spooky, huh?

No, I didn’t think so either.


Poll #12 (June 7th, 2000)

This week Bill Gates 'got his ass kicked' (well, that's what it said on CNN) as the US Supreme Court ruled against him in the Anti-trust case, subject to appeal. Gates' parting words were:

Comments: Nice to see that nerd jokes are still so readily seized on and loved by the masses.
Especially since we’re all sitting in dark rooms in front of computers with food crumbs and drink slobbered all over ourselves right now...


Poll #11 (May 24th, 2000)

In Fiji this past week the only fairly recently established democracy has suffered a body blow with a coup by rebels. Like all revolutionaries, these men are seeking:

  • A radical paradigm shift in the dominant political ideology

  • Cleaner public toilets and more soap dispensers inside them

  • A 24-Hour National Best Of MatlockChannel

  • A year's free supply of crappy Fijian Tourism Board souvenirs and paraphenalia

  • The hard-fisted, charismatic and strong leadership of Russ, The Tom Selleck Impersonator

  • The compensation for their small penises that only organised military-backed revolution can provide

  • An excuse to light fires, relive their mischievous youth and steal that shiny new bigscreen TV from the store in downtown Suva

  • A Fijian stop on Rage Against The Machine's next world tour

Comments: Russ is God.
Make no mistake. Russ is God
Stay tuned over the next few weeks as I try to contact the zeitgeist that is Russ, The Tom Selleck Impersonator....It may not happen, but hey: Who says we can’t dream?!....


Poll #10 (May 17th, 2000)

The 'Love Bug' virus has raised new concerns amongst not only average Internet users, but also giant organisations and governments. Fears are that there are far worse viruses around the corner. A future, far more serious virus to look out for will be:
  • The 'Muleflu' computer virus -written by an unknown author- which redirects an infected computer's web browser to Mule HQ approximately every 20.36 seconds

  • The virus dubbed by media as the 'Kirk-Quirk', which causes the infected computer to spew forth random Captain Kirk dialogue from all 3 Seasons of the original Star Trek

  • The 'Hate Bug' which -just as the ironically-misnamed 'Love Bug' destroyed files- upgrades existing files quickly and effeciently, downloads beneficial free software and sprays a delightful lilac scent into the air

  • 'Limb Disease', which will overwrite existing files and instruct the Computer to grow arms with which to strangle its unwary user, then run from the house and make slaves of weak, miserable Humans

  • 'Sexual Orientation Confusion Syndrome' (SOCS), which causes the Computer to decrease in efficiency dramatically as it grapples with the concepts of gender, self, cultural mores and its sexual orientation

  • The 'Invitation' Virus, which first takes into account the user's frail heart condition and nervous disorders, then raids the user's e-mail address book and sends out invitations to a surprise party where the theme is 'Murder In The Dark!'

Comments: Well, a conclusive win for the 'Muleflu' virus, with 58% of the 'Mule-record' 26 votes.
Yes, you heard right: 26 votes. Finally some people are paying attention to this hastily-cobbled-together poor man’s comedy site. I think I may just go for a walk in the park, catch falling Autumn leaves and remember the days of yore when times were much worse for my site....I mean, back in the bad old days all my pages used to be white, and in the same font.....Golly, how awful they looked.....Ahem, anyhoo, thanks for making your vote count; and tell your friends, won’t ya?


Poll #9 (May 3rd, 2000)

In Melbourne, Australia this week talk has centred around the Legionnaire's Disease outbreak sourced to the city's newly-opened Aquarium. This outbreak can be attributed to:
  • Poor maintainance of the Aquarium's air-conditioning towers

  • Sweedish pop group Aqua, in a Aquarium-related publicity stunt

  • The Aquarium's latest exotic acquisition, the rare Legionnella Pufferfish

  • The insistence of Aquarium Management to forego hiring trained, courteous human staff and instead hire Ebola-plagued Monkeys from Deepest Africa

  • Former Victorian Premier Jeff Kennett.....yeah, somehow it's his fault!!

  • Visiting 'Bad boys of Pop', 5ive, living up to their 'bad' image by spiking the coolant towers with girly “Boy-Band Germs”

Comments: In a poll full of absurd options, you, the Mule-philes that you are, picked possibly the most absurd one.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you....just the thought of Monkeys wearing ‘Staff Helper’ badges and offering visitors bananas makes my day.


Poll #8 (April 26th, 2000)

This week the drama surrounding little Elian Gonzalez, the Cuban illegal immigrant at the centre of a crass tug-of-war, came to a head when he was seized by INS agents. Treating this subject with the utmost respect, what are your thoughts on the matter?
  • It is unfair and inhumane for this innocent boy to be used as a pawn in the long-running war of ideology being waged between the US and Cuba

I'm guessing this probably isn't the kinda picture the US Government wanted to be taken




  • Whatever the rights and wrongs of this case, that was a really bad way to go about taking the kid....I mean, c'mon!

  • The person Elian should be put in the custody of should be decided on a new game-show involving some sorta 'Cage Of Death' contraption

The person Elian should be put in the custody of is none other than last week's Poll winner, Russ, The Tom Selleck Impersonator!




  • ...But MAN, was that a bad way to take the kid!!

  • You just know this thing'll be on Jerry Springer in five years...

  • It's hard to decide on Elian's future; There are so many factors to weigh up....Cuba: Smoke Cigar; America: Use cigar as sexual aid....Cuba: Threat of being shot under Communist Regime; America: Threat of being shot in classroom....and so on

Comments:People seem to be in no doubt that Russ, The Tom Selleck Impersonator is the greatest humanitarian since Martin Luther King Jr.; What I’m not sure about is that moustache --makes him look kinda shady.....Anyhoo, I’m surprised the Cage of Death option didn’t get more votes; I thought that was a really fair and adequate way of deciding custody......then again, I thought Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire? was fantastic, too


Poll #7 (April 19th, 2000)

The Easter Season is upon us again, and people of all ages, races and religious denominations pause to reflect on how much they like chocolate. In this age of heavy commercialisation of religious and other holidays, what does Easter really mean to you?
  • It is a wonderful celebration of Jesus Christ's sacrifice and resurrection so that all sinners may find redemption and enter Heaven


Cuddling up in front of a log fire with Magnum P.I.'s Tom Selleck

  • The passing of eggs, chocolate or otherwise, based on celebrated Pagan Tradition


Cuddling Up in front of a log fire with Russ, The Tom Selleck Impersonator





  • Friends and Family getting together, like that other thing....Christmas or something?

  • Disgusting crass commercialism.........but hey, I still eat the Eggs.....I'm not made of steel, buddy


Comments:Well, in this Easter period where we focus on Jesus’ Death and resurrection, it appears there is little hope of career resurrection for a man whose impersonator beats him in a popularity contest --and let’s face it, people: with a record 16 votes in this week’s poll, it is a popularity contest; one which makes and breaks the likes of Tom Selleck!
Ha!
That is all


Poll #6 (April 5th, 2000)

Just this week a decision was handed down in the Microsoft Anti-trust Case, taking about US$10 billion from Bill Gates' wallet (literally, I'm guessing) with more punishment to follow. We can assume this 'punishment' will be:

  • To spend --in this age of cloning and genetic engineering-- five nights snowed-in in a log cabin with a clone of himself talking about the wonders of technology, where we're headed in the new millenium and how his thermal underwear is chafing him severly

  • Counting all his money and assets: cent-by-cent, note-by-note

  • To be given the challenge of being placed in a maximum-security cell with a man simply named 'Bubba', given a computer with internet hookup and three days to locate, purchase online and have delivered a "Reverse Chastity Belt".........before it's too late

  • To play Pacman© and Asteroids© on a continuous basis until he blacks out or goes on a pissy rant about how much technology has come along in only 20 years; whichever comes first

  • Nothing.......C'mon! Over One-Hundred Billion Dollars in assets, one measly judge: you do the math on that one

Comments: Well, he is rich....After all, the Judge is human like the rest of us....It's perfectly normal to expect him to weakly fall to temptation and pervert the course of Justice. You can't say you wouldn't! LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU!!
Ok, that's just about enough out of me for this week.


Poll #5 (March 29th, 2000)

In Australia this week a Darwin News Anchorman was exposed as a fraud after claims he was a swimmer in the 1968 Olympics were refuted after almost 15 years. The final clue that exposed him:
  • Was the fact that every member of the 1968 Australian men's swimming team was a female East German migrant on growth hormones

  • Came when water was spilt on his skin accidentally at a charity function and actually burnt through his flesh due to an extremely rare allergic reaction he has had since birth

  • Was the fact absolutely NO-ONE from the whole squad remembered the chump, even taking into account that it was the 60's and mind-expanding, memory-clouding hypno-drugs were plentiful

  • Came when he offered to endorse a new brand of swimwear, yet begged not to go into the water without some kind of 'Kiddy Floatation device'

  • Came during a regular news bulletin when a slip of the tongue caused him to say: "IN TONIGHT'S HEADLINES: Darwin News Reader lies about Olympic Past.....and he smells"

  • Was unearthed by Scooby Doo and had something to do with a mysterious "Old Man Featherstone"


Comments: Hmmm, well, I’d have to say that I would agree with that.....keeping in mind the fact that he kept this ‘joke’ a secret for nigh on 15 years --despite the fact he “didn’t want to, but it just got out of hand-- I’m sure he would also be stupid enough to let that slip on a News Broadcast
Bravo, my good man.....bravo....
Oh....and he does smell, too


Poll #5 (March 22nd, 2000)

Just recently the whole truckload of Oscar© Statuettes enroute to Los Angeles was stolen whilst in Chicago. Why were they stolen?
  • The Thief thought that they had delicious chocolate inside the 'foil' wrapping

  • A Porno called "Orgasmic Oscar" was being filmed in outer Chicago and they needed 'props'

  • Jim Carrey was giving the Academy their 'come-uppance'
  • Descendants of the Aztecs believed Oscar to be their ancient religious idol and deity

  • A commendable man did not want to risk that little snot-nosed brat Haley Joel Osment winning one


Comments: Well, from the looks of things there seems to be a swell of support behind Jim Carrey not always getting ripped off, which is good...On the other hand, I thought the 'snot-nosed brat' option may have romped it in....I mean, the kid can act, but....I don't know, he's too smug and smart and well-spoken for an 11 year-old! There's some kinda conspiracy: I tell ya, he's a midget in a 'cute-kid suit' and employed by the US Government...


Poll #4 (March 15th, 2000)

Just last Sunday the Pope made a historic apology on behalf of the Catholic faith for various terrible acts in the past. While he was at it he should have also apologised for:
  • David Hasselhoff playing a shirtless lifeguard

  • Hammer-time

  • Allowing our children to be sheperded by 'Satan' (picutre: Barney The Dinosaur)

  • Mainstream fashion & culture 1980-89 (picture: Boy George and Culture Club)

  • Feral, Feral, Unhygenic Hippies

  • The Foolish people that gave me a slice of the internet to myself for FREE!

Comments: A clear victory to Hasselhoff, and why not?: He is a fat disgusting blob....but Germany still seems to love him and buy his albums in droves


Poll #3 (March 6th, 2000)

With the much-publicised and highly-controversial 'Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire?' saga still brewing, what are your thoughts/predictions on the whole matter?
  • Marriage is a sacred bond between two people in love, and should not be entered into purely for entertainment or financial gain

  • Darva Conger, the TV-show bride, will annul her marriage to the alledged woman-beating Rick Rockwell, cut her losses and marry the wife-beating Ike Turner

  • Rick Rockwell will return in a few years as the 'mystery' groom in a new Fox Network Special: 'Who Wants To Marry America's Disgraced Laughing-Stock?'

  • Sometime in early June, newspapers will reveal the shock truth: Darva Conger left Rockwell for 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' host Regis Philbin!!!

  • In about half a year from now, no-one will remember what the hell a 'Darva Conger' is

  • Darva Conger, the TV-show bride, will annul her marriage to Rick Rockwell, cut her losses, and marry Steve Urkel a.k.a Jaleel White

  • Rick Rockwell isn't really a millionaire but an *alleged* woman-beating fraud....plus he likes to sometimes dress as a woman and pretend to (allegedly) beat himself up

Comments: Well, I don't think anyone would have been surprised with this result; once again the geeky charm of Urkel has charmed our hearts....they were fools to ever cancel 'Family Matters', because there is obviously such a huge fanbase/intense sexual attraction for Urkel still omnipresent in the World's populace.
....In perhaps more disturbing news, NO-ONE voted for the "Marriage is a sacred bond...." option....actually, no, it makes sense: I must have forgotten to vote for that option, which is what I have to do with every poll, every week since so few people visit this site. Oh well, my intense inner torment continues, ho-hum....


Poll #2 (February 28th, 2000)

The Oscars© are once again bearing down upon us, with the nominations recently being named. Which of the following potential winners of previous years was duped in not winning their category that year?:
  • Best Actor: Cheech Marinez of "Cheech & Chong" fame for any one of those pot-head movies he's been in

  • Best Picture for 1987: "Ernest Goes To Camp"

  • Best Supporting Actor for this year's awards: Jar Jar Binks (should have beat out that annoying little Sixth Sense kid for a nomination)

  • Lifetime Achievment Award: Bob Clark- Writer, Producer and Director of the first two 'Porkys' movies

  • Best Supporting Actress 1995: The Pole in 'Showgirls'

Comments: What can you say?...The man deserves this great honour


Poll #1 (February 21st, 2000)

As we all know (where have you been if you DON'T?!!), Catherine Zeta-Jones is marrying Micheal Douglas; she is also carrying their child. Zeta-Jones has a thing for Micheal Douglas because:
  • After co-starring with Sean Connery in ‘Entrapment’, she has got the taste for old, wrinkled flesh

  • She was put under a love spell by Micheal, who is so old he is a practising heretic

  • She was given his number by Bill Clinton, who met Douglas whilst they were both ‘drying out’ in a Sex Addiction Clinic

  • She’s using him to get to Kirk Douglas

Comment: Well, from this result we can see that in the past a cynical public has once again judged a prominent figure unfairly....I mean, if everything that was said about Clinton previously was true, then he wouldn't have given her Douglas' number; he woulda slept wit' tha damn ho HIMSELF!!....well, I hope you people are happy....maybe now with this 'brave sacrifice' (of sex) on Clinton's part you can re-evaluate your thoughts on the soon-to-be-ex-President.

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