Poll #98 (February 27th, 2002)

• "I believe this is far from the end for Ansett. No, we'll know the end has arrived when Ansett administrators are turning tricks in a dark corner of the International terminal at Sydney Airport."
  
  
• "This surely opens the door for the re-emergence of luftballoons and zeppelins as viable air transport alternatives."
  
  
• "Hey! Has anyone else noticed that 'Tesna' is pretty much 'Ansett' spelt backwards?! Wow!"
  
  
• "I don't think Ansett is dead and buried yet. I hear that a powerful Saudi Arabian exile with interests across the globe and a penchant for aviation is interested in a takeover."
  
  
• "'I believe that worker's entitlements need to be met fully, and that we as the Government will make sure it happens'... At least, that's what I'd be saying if it were an election year. It's not, and so as a politician I couldn't care less."

Poll #97 (February 20th, 2002)

• The Howard Government's deal with the Australian Olympic Committee: ten refugees freed for every gold medal won.
  
  
• Excessive beer consumption before, during and after events... and again during medals ceremony.
  
  
• The final, guilt-relieving realisation that the first Australian winter team of 1936 were not responsible for the Second World War and Hitler's destructive march through Europe.
  
  
• The acclimatisation of athletes through the release of Australian fauna into the hills surrounding the competition slopes of Salt Lake City (note: 9 koalas were let loose, only 3 survived).
  
  
• Sabotaging the skate blades of the other four competitors in the Men's 1000m Speed Skating Final, replacing them with delicious white choclate.

Poll #96 (February 13th, 2002)

• The Government was wrong to lie to the Australian public... however, as a staunch bigot, I still agree with them keeping the 'darkies' out.
  
  
• Prime Minister Howard dearly wanted to tell the public, but was unable to do so as this would give away his identity as the 2Day FM 'Fugitive'.
  
  
• Mr Howard merely thought that it would be unfair to speak out when refugee children in detention centres with their lips sewn together could not. He's very selfless.
  
  
• I think it was a very intelligent thing to do on the Government's part. I mean, would you re-elect lying, lower-than-low scum to the highest office in the land? Of course not!

Poll #95 (February 6th, 2002)

• In times of international turmoil, its refreshing that there are still stories like these around.
  
  
• That whole "powerful testicles" line really brings new meaning to the song Papa's Got A Brand New Bag.
  
  
• Brown's defence is that he doesn't have time for such acts, as he is a "Church-going man". Well, in the modern Church, that's not really an iron-clad defence.
  
  
• Look at that picture - how could you resist this man? He's "like a sex machine"!

Poll #94 (January 30th, 2002)

• The well-executed opening monologue, complete with 'Bill Clinton is horny' jokes and rimshots courtesy of a house band.
  
  
• His tough policy on the size of g-string thongs in hip-hop music videos.
  
  
• "These pretzels are making me dizzy!"
  
  
• The part where his real, biological parents were ushered on stage to rapturous applause.
  
  
• President Bush's stern promise not to be cowed in the face of new terrorist plots to make a deadly sequel to Waterworld.
  
  
• The cleverly orchestrated closing to the address, where the 'Zorba' theme slowly came up over the House PA, and everyone starting merrily dancing with linked arms.

Poll #93 (January 23rd, 2002)

• I think the awards saw a proud day for Australia on the world stage. The sad thing is, I can't think of too many other proud days for Australia on the world stage.
  
  
• These awards were clearly the most important event in the world last week. You can have your India-Pakistan conflicts and your massive humanitarian and natural disasters in the Congo - all that worries me is that Cate Blanchett looked fab!
  
  
• Russell Crowe still can't sing.
  
  
• Phht, the Golden Globes are wannabe Oscars... and wanting to be the Oscars is pretty sad indeed.
  
  
• Who the f**k are the Hollywood Foreign Press? Are they the secretive cabal that commission political assassinations and control the world's puppet strings from the shadows?... Or just hack film critics?

Polls #91 and #92 (January 16th, 2002)

• A covert alliance of cows sick of having their colons removed while sleeping to make Big Macs©.
  
  
• It's clearly the Hamburglar. He has the motive: his deep-seated pathological hatred of Ronald McDonald, coupled with his continual denial of free burgers. It's a classic cry for help.
  
  
• A disgruntled McDonald's employee campaigning for an increased minimum wage of $2.92 per hour.
  
  
• Bacteriologists - they were merely returning the samples from the latest health inspection of a McDonald's restaurant.

• "Dear God help us all."
  
  
• "It's reassuring: George W. Bush chokes on food, and George Bush Senior vomits it back up."
  
  
• "This pretzel was obviously an al-Qaeda attack."
  
• "One has to think that, had President Bush's pretzel been processed in a blender like the rest of his food, then this whole incident may have been averted."

Polls #89 and #90 (January 9th, 2002)

• Packer was disappointed that there was not enough exciting deaths and bloodshed on the network's upcoming Australian Survivor.
  
  
• He was eventually caught and punished for repeatedly working on his novel about a young sorceror named 'Barry Cotter' during office hours.
  
  
• Leckie claimed to have "found God" and stopped participating in the network's mandatory Satanic rituals.
  
  
• Packer and Leckie's ongoing, bitter feud after Leckie suggested the idea for Backyard Blitz.

• The realisation of the long-held dream to land brave astronauts on the Sun.
  
  
• Music to be more "bootyshakin'" than ever scientifically quantified before.
  
  
• The new, unstoppable terrorism: riding scooters laden with stink bombs into crowded shopping malls.
  
  
• "Twelve months, each lasting around 28 to 31 days-- what? Oh, ok, I'll stop being a smartarse."
  
  
• "A return to the good old-fashioned family values of 'love', 'understanding' and 'white people only'."

Poll #88 (January 2nd, 2002)

• Give up cigarettes... then buy new, untainted lungs on the black market.
  
  
• Complete work on my complex scientific theory, which proves once and for all that loose lips literally sink ships. I've seen it happpen, trust me.
  
  
• Quit my stifling job and start my own fun crime syndicate.
  
  
• Continue to create my impressive portfolio of independent, 'arty' films dealing exclusively with back hair on middle-aged men and how it effects 21st Century existence.
  
  
• Travel extensively. I plan to finally step away from my computer and see this 'outside world' that everyone on Yahoo! Chat keeps talking about.
  
  
• Achieve the highest monetary bid possible for my soul - a two-horse race between God and Satan. Smother me with your love, Biblical figures!
  
  
• Start on a strict fitness and diet regimen. I aim to be able to crack walnuts with my buttocks by September, if not August.

Polls #86 and #87 (December 26th, 2001)

• "As a rampant foot fetishist, I now find myself attracted to and afraid of shoes all at the same time. Help me."
  
  
• "I pity the sniffer dogs. It's bad enough they're poking their nose around looking for drugs and explosives... but now they have to smell shoes?
  
  
• "I hope for the accused's sake that this is all just an innocent mixup resulting from Nike's new range of of 'Air Plastique' athletic footwear."
  
  
• "There's a simple solution to all of this: make it compulsory for everyone to wear thongs on their feet."
  
  
• "Even simpler: Compulsory nudity!"

• Trolls running the snack bar.
  
  
• A bloodied Harry Potter slumped in a corner of the Men's room.
  
  
• Liv Tyler naked. Hey, there's always hope.
  
  
• Hype. Loads of dirty, dirty hype.

Polls #84 and #85 (December 19th, 2001)

• "It makes me feel f**king bankrupt. I like Christmas, but it would just be so much better if I didn't have to give anything to anyone else."
  
  
• "I'm not sure who this 'Jizeus' fellow was... but thanks for all the days off work, dude!"
  
  
• "It fills me with hope... that, one day, we can get a 24 hour channel exclusively for those crappy Christmas and Easter cartoons that only screen at Christmas and Easter."
  
  
• "Bloated. Thank God for Jesus, and thank God for the Christmas cold meats buffet!"

• A module on why writers get lazy and start resorting to repeated 'Homer is dumb' jokes.
  
  
• Extra-credit assignment: 'Draw Mr Burns naked'.
  
  
• A three-week section dedicated to how a brilliant show could become so unfunny after around 5 or 6 years.
  
  
• Take-home exams asking students to give themselves totally yellow skin in homage to the characters on the show (note: jaundice is encouraged).

Polls #82 and #83 (December 12th, 2001)

• Constant taunts of 'Whiskey Boy!' that Walker - then known as 'Johnnie' - suffered as a child.
  
  
• Curiousity getting the better of them, as they strive to see what a fiery extremist death will really feel like.
  
  
• Got drunk one night back home, woke up the next morning in Kabul with a tattoo which read 'Taliban ROCKS!' and the phone number of some fat chick in a burqa.
  
  
• The men, both unemployed, were lured by a controversial new 'Kill For The Dole' scheme and signed legally-binding contracts.

• "Ice cream and hemp all-in-one: a stoner's wet dream."
  
  
• "Does icecream melt in a bong, or does it maintain its integrity?... I'm just curious, that's all..."
  
  
• "Australia New Zealand Food Authority... I'm disgusted. 'New Zealand?!' - Jesus, why haven't we bombed that country yet?"
  
  
• "I'm contacting my legal counsel - I already invented this product in my illegal backyard laboratory."

Polls #80 and #81 (December 5th, 2001)

• Rod Stewart, circa 'Maggie Mae' and subsequent stardom.
  
  
• Elmo from Sesame Street. So adorable, how could you mistrust him?
  
  
• Elizabeth Taylor, post- intensive plastic surgery and pre- 7th husband.
  
  
• Rod Stewart, circa 1996 and with a face like Rod Stewart's arse.
  
  
• Kenny G. Hey, think about it: no-one wants to know him, and would-be captors will be soothed to sleep by his unique brand of dull contemporary white-boy jazz.

• "I couldn't care less about Harry Potter, but I'm a huuuggge box-office record buff. Did you see the size of the opening weekends takings?!! I wet my pants!"
  
  
• "These whinging parents and schools are really pissing me off. At least I can console myself with the fact that they will one day be the whipping boys and bitches of Almighty Satan!"
  
  
• "I'm glad someone finally came to their senses and made a film version of the books, since clearly no-one enjoys reading. Personally, it makes my head hurt sometimes."
  
  
• "As someone who wears glasses, I'm just glad to see nerdy little pipsqueak brats at the top of the cinema world."

Poll #79 (November 28th, 2001)

• Australian Cricketer Mark Waugh enlisted in a special Australian Federal Police 'Illegal Bookmaking Taskforce'.
  
  
• Footballing star David Beckham obliged to go on jury duty in a case involving the theft of a prize-winning Chesire Cat named 'Hoopy'.
  
  
• WWF icon 'The Rock' appointed Chief of Audit Investigations at the American Internal Revenue Service (IRS).
  
  
• Women's pole vaulter Tatiana Gregorieva assigned to collating the Hansard for South Australian State Parliament.
  
  
• Record-breaking swimmer Ian Thorpe placed in charge of a small crack squad brought together to raid Adidas sweatshops.

Polls #77 and #78 (November 21st, 2001)

• "The sooner they rat him out, the better. Only with his capture will we be free of those annoying chain emails about 'Bin Lager' and 'Ohsomea Big Loser'."
  
  
• "I'm glad that bin Laden is nearly in the hands of Lady Justice. Hoepfully, with the aid of Lady Justice, the US might also 'capture' some genuine, non-circumstantial proof that he did it - although that's probably too much to ask."
  
  
• "You just know some bright spark will turn this into a Reality TV show... something like 'Search for a Suspect', 'Changing Caves', or 'The Amazing Race... To Find A Malevolent, Fanatical Sociopath'."
  
  
• "With the British involved, we can only pray that this manhunt does not turn into a bumbling, innuendo-filled farce in the tradition of the 'Carry On' films - although 'Carry On Up The Kabul' does have a certain ring to it."

• Joy - The win inspired in me a hope that, one day, soccer hooliganism will be as rampant in Australia as it is in the rest of the world.
  
  
• Sadness - Don't get me wrong, the win was great... but there's a certain emptiness in supporting a national team known as the 'Socceroos'; what kind of a f**king name is that, anyway?!
  
  
• Rueful bitterness - I curse the day that I gave footballing wundėrkind Harry Kewell up for adoption. Really. He's my son. I'm not lying.
  
  
• Orgasmic Ecstacy - The win was ok, but after the game I had sex with a goalpost.

Poll #76 (November 14th, 2001)

• "It's reassuring to have someone leading us who keeps our nation's bottom line running smoothly. Also, it's reassuring to have someone leading us that is a full three to four heads shorter than I am. It boosts my self-belief."
  
  
• "John Howard's Government is the smartest choice to lead Australia through the present global tempest and endangered national borders. Pauline Hanson is probably the second-best man for that job."
  
  
• "If Howard played the 'race card', the Opposition Leader Beazley was certainly dealt the 'joker'. Hahaha, I am the KING of humourous political analysis!"
  
  
• "If John Howard lied any more about the threat of 'boat people', he'd be offered the leadership of Hell once Satan decided to retire and move to the Central Coast."
  
  
• "Poor old Kim Beazley - he had my vote, but unfortunately most people just saw his as a fatter, taller version of John Howard and got the two confused on polling day."

Poll #75 (November 7th, 2001)

• It's sad that, with all the issues of importance flying around at the moment, the election will come down to the question: "Who is fatter?"
  
  
• As it is difficult to cast a vote for either of the major, cynical parties, my vote is for delicious Philadelphia© Cream Cheese... Mmmm, tastes great, and only half the fat!
  
  
• I admire the way both major parties have vowed to handle the refugee 'crisis'. Now, excuse me while I go find my Klan outfit.
  
  
• Minority parties are definitely the way to go; thank God for the secret ballot, otherwise I'd have a real hard time numbering the box next to the candidate for the 'Australians for Legal Public Nudity' party.
  
  
• Why bother voting? I can't be bothered, frankly... I mean, countries can run just fine without democracy: look at Afghanistan.
  
  
• The democratic process is running on all cylinders... favours to major parties from large multinational corporations make sure of that!
  
  
• What election?

Polls #73 and #74 (October 31st, 2001)

• "I was impressed - especially by the $1.2 billion of funding devoted to the purchase of whole new varieties of coloured chalk."
  
  
• "I was disappointed with the proposal. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that, in an ironic twist, I can't read, write or speak coherent sentences."
  
  
• "The proposal really appealed to me. I eagerly await the day when brave explorers finally set foot on 'Knowledge Nation', which is situated - to the best of my knowledge - in the Indian Ocean, mid-way between Madacasgar and Mauritius."
  
  
• "I disliked the policy. At no point did the document make allowances for the bettered education of cattle, gamecocks or other farm-bound animals. It would be nice if my lovers could talk to me and read my stories, is all."

• "The Melbourne Cup is the one day of the year where normal people actually give a crap about horse racing, so that must count for something."
  
  
• "I love it - as a fashion-conscious woman, it gives me a chance to wear all of these gigantic, stupid floral hats that would otherwise just go mouldy in my cupboard."
  
  
• "I relish the Melbourne Cup as a prime opportunity to view today's finest distance-runners... and tomorrow's most delicious hot-dog meat."
  
  
• "Hee hee, look at the little jockeys! They're so cuuute!"

Poll #72 (October 24th, 2001)

• A clod
  
  
• Insensitive
  
  
• An insensitive clod
  
  
• Maybe just a little out of his depth when providing 'incisive social commentary'.
  
  
• A man
  
  
• "The Man"
  
  
• Still struggling to understand that 'The Fonz' is a fictional character
  
  
• Late in paying his fees for his TAFE 'How to imitate Muhammad Ali 101' course
  
  
• Good at punching the s**t out of middle-aged stooges.

Polls #69, #70 and #71 (October 17th, 2001)

• "Hee hee, '69'!"
  
  
• "Oh God... why am I here? I could be trimming my toenails with the time I've wasted on this site."
  
  
• "Through 69 polls, you have exhibited nothing but just another reason for people not to visit your site. Congratulations, assface."
  
  
• "I bet the guy who makes this site doesn't even know what a '69' is."
  
  
• "69... Wow, like the Bryan Adams song "Summer of '69"!!! I love that guy!!"

• "In these dark days in world history, we need a qualified, inspirational national leader to steer us through. I nominate former pop star Normie Rowe."
  
  
• "Instead of another 'Great Debate', I'd like Big Kev (representing Labor's Kim Beazley) to battle John Howard the actor (representing John Howard, the Prime Minister) in a mud wrestling death match. This would achieve nothing, but would be fun to watch."
  
  
• "The election is proof that my vote is worth something. Unfortunately, I am worth nothing. Oh well... time to break out the heroin again."
  
  
• "I'm a cynical person from the country who is disenchanted with big government ruining it for the little people. So, after much considered deliberation, my vote will go to a red-headed lunatic crazy woman who owns a fish and chip shop."

• Players being better informed. With the knowledge that there is a whole continent between England and Afghanistan, they reconsidered their decision.
  
  
• Offers of shiny new goat to players willing to tour.
  
  
• Sudden realisation that every other Australian sporting team, including the Mixed Under 16's Sydney Regional Ballet Company, were ready and willing to tour England and Europe.
  
  
• Initial decision not to tour was made whilst heavily drunk in post-season revelry (quite possible).

Poll #68 (July 14th, 2001)

• Friendly tank drivers clearing a path through built-up crowds for people in wheelchairs.
  
  
• New Event: Over-populated Living Room Time Trials.
  
  
• Invading Mongol hordes claiming the Games in the name of Genghis Khan.
  
  
• Panda bears humping the legs of unwary tourists.
  
  
• The 1,500m 'Running Of The Maos'.
  
  
• Female swimmers who double as WWF wrestlers and building contractors.

Poll #67 (July 4th, 2001)

• 'Slobo' has a lot to answer for, and this trial is the only avenue for justice... well, ever since It's A Knockout was taken off the air, anyway.
  
  
• Really, the War Crimes Tribunal is the easy way out for him - I mean, he's on trial in the land of clogs, windmills and legal marijuana. You be the judge.
  
  
• They're going about this all the wrong way. Milosevic is responsible for heinous atrocities, and as such he should be forced to move into the Australian Big Brother house as penance. Two days of Sara-Marie will have him begging for mercy.
  
  
• I believe in all honesty that, while granting that Milosevic is detestable and should be brought to justice, the militaristic capitalism of the U.S. and NATO is just as evi-- [Person answering with this response is dragged from their computer by covert CIA operatives and executed].

Poll #66 (June 27th, 2001)

• It's never too late to make a comeback... just ask flares and platform shoes.
  
  
• Langer's speed and agility may have dimmed, but his walking frame will be a danger to the opposition.
  
  
• I heard that Queensland officials will ask for special dispensation for regular asthma puffer and incontinence-pad changing breaks.
  
  
• I think he is playing one game too many. Sometimes you have to realise "Enough's enough" - like when I decided to stop wearing my Wham! 'Choose Life' T-shirt.

Poll #65 (June 20th, 2001)

• I agree completely with the ruling. Having an extra person on the court is cheating.
  
  
• This ruling is pure lunacy. Think of all the male spetators lost to the sport because they can't indulge their 'pregnant woman' fetish.
  
  
• Pregnant women will just have to wait until a cure is found for their terrible, terrible disease.
  
  
• It's discrimination, pure and simple. You don't see rugby league banning players for, I dunno, sticking their fingers up other player's anuses, do you?!
  
  
• Simple solution: pregnant women create their own radical new sport... 'EMBRYO-BALL'.

Poll #64 (June 13th, 2001)

• The creator of Big Brother.
  
  
• Ronald McDonald, for crimes against Mchumanity.
  
  
• Whoever came up with the idea to give Limp Bizkit a recording deal.
  
  
• Rove McManus, for crimes against comedy.
  
  
• *ANSWER FOR PSYCHOPATHS** Every single person conspiring to push me down... oh yeah... they'll pay... **ANSWER FOR PSYCHOPATHS**
  
  
• The guy who wastes his time making this site. Call it a mercy killing.

Poll #63 (June 6, 2001)

• Poor management and a 'get-rich-quick' mentality has left them One.f**ked.
  
  
• I'm glad I steered well clear of One.tel and made my money in organised crime.
  
  
• Dammit, I was with One.tel!! Now I have to last a whole 4 days without sending thousands of SMS messages. How will I cope?!!
  
  
• It just goes to show you: there's no money to be made in signing people to contracts which look cheap but carry hidden charges that will leave them bankrupt by Christmas.
  
  
• Finally, an end to failed dot.com businesses and a beginning to failed businesses with stupid dots in their name.
  
  
• One.tel's not dead yet; we're merely in voluntary receivership. Believe you me, we'll be laughing last when One.tel is back with a brand-new surefire moneyspinner: big-time Hamster Racing!

Poll #62 (May 30th, 2001)

• I think the government be playin'... If they're fo' real I'll slit their ***** f**kin' c**ksucker s**t a**-****r hell yeah.
  
  
• Why should a fledgling young artist be deprived of the chance to take his hate and homophobic funky beats to the masses?
  
  
• You know, the same thing was happening back when I was a kid....but I'm glad the Government ended up letting the Bay City Rollers into the country.
  
  
• F**kin' clownin' dawg s**t paintscraper yeah.
  
  
• Alan Jones said that Eminem is a vile and detestable 'musician', and I agree. Which song offends me the most?... Well, I've never heard any of them... but Alan Jones said they were horrible.

Poll #61 (Catchup poll for May 26th, 2001)

• Players report once a week to the CSIRO for duty as experimental guinea pigs.
  
  
• Stage an elaborate insurance scam and claim their policy from HIH... oh, yeah, wait. Sorry.
  
  
• Every match ticket purchased earns you 50 hours of community service by a player.
  
  
• During the week, between games, rent out playing surface to Mafia for them to bury murdered enemies.
  
  
• Begin an annoying behind-the-scenes 'Reality TV' program showing exactly how in the hell a club can start with millions of dollars of funding and end up with $600.

Poll #60 (May 16th, 2001)

• Trick them by placing an ad in a local paper for an elaborate pyramid scheme promising multi-billion dollar returns. If this fails, just place an ad for a cheap escort agency.
  
  
• Have Prime Minister John Howard lead a covert crack squad of government mercenaries as they go in a take-no-prisoners search in adventure after thrilling adventure.
  
  
• Put out a call for a television special - Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: Failed Insurance Directors Edition.
  
  
• Threaten to blow up one Saab every hour until the responsible directors come forward.
  
  
• Put out a phony press release which reads: "HIH is in no trouble at all. Someone just forgot to carry a three and divide by seven. See you all at work on Monday!"

Poll #59 (May 11th, 2001)

• Radiation experiments caused unwanted side-effects such as cancer but left the skin of servicemen soft and radiant.
  
  
• In addition to horrific nuclear tests, British military heavyweights also subjected unwitting Australian servicemen to British food and imported warm British beer.
  
  
• Some servicemen grew two extra sets of genitals... or maybe that's not 'disturbing' in your fantasy-laden mind.
  
  
• That Australia actually has archives.

Poll #58 (Stop-gap poll for May 6th, 2001)

• A return to the days when beer was heavily consumed before, after and during the game.
  
  
• I crave nothing but blood. Blood on the grass. I say this because I like agressive football and I am, of course, a violent sociopath.
  
  
• Half-time entertainment featuring John Hopoate's attempt to break the 'Guinness Book of Sexual Records' record for fisting.
  
  
• As long as the telecast involves the evergreen and manly Ray Warren, well, I'm not fussed what happens on field. I'll even settle for Rex Mossop.

Poll #57 (April 25th, 2001)

• Christmas Day being bought out by Pepsico and a consortium of toymakers including Hasbro and Mattel.
  
  
• Halloween merging with Wes Craven's Production company to offer bad teenage slasher movies to every household.
  
  
• Easter entering into partnership with Valentine's Day - these days they're both just an excuse for chocolate companies to offload stock, anyway.
  
  
• New Year's Eve and New Year's Day merging in joint partnership with Jack Daniels Distilleries, Tooheys Brewers Ltd. and condom manufacturers Durex.

Poll #56 (April 18, 2001)

• All-round congratulatory remarks on each other's suits
  
  
• "An exchange: We give back your plane and you tell us who won 'Survivor II: The Australian Outback'."
  
  
• "What's the deal with those endangered Pandas - specifically, where can I get one?"
  
  
• What it must have been like in the old days when Chinese leaders had concubines.
  
  
• Likely World Series winners come October.
  
  
• President Bush's new crayon set.