Hello and Joyous Greetings to you, essay-reader. If you are expecting thrills, spills and birth-control pills, you’re about to get more than your fair share. This essay will be bigger than the bulge in David Bowie’s skin-tight pants in ‘Labyrinth’, and it will leave you just as confused as I was about my sexuality after I saw him in that film.
Anyway, there were many different roles in Spartan society, and these different roles played different roles in setting the Spartan ball rolling. Diverse and different roles. Kings. Helots. Spartiates. Perioci. Doctors and nurses. Inferiors. Bondage Queens. They all contributed in their own way to the sexual orgiastic melting pot that was Ancient Greece.
Malcolm Fraser was an evil man, cold right down to his prosthetic penis**. This caused alot of tension between the Spartiates and the others of non-Spartan extraction, for example, someone like ‘Baby’ John Burgess. Well, he wasn’t quite alive then, but if he was there would have been trouble. As soon as he shaved his moustache there would have been more chaos and disorder than Ku Klux Klansmen at “Showboat: The Musical”. Anyway, two groups in particular that featured heavily in Spartan politics and culture were the Helots and the Perioci. They both...did...stuff...like.......stuff. Helots acted in the role of slaves, for which they commanded a genorous sum of gold bullion, which was then invested in managed share portfolios.**
(**- I made this up)
The Perioci ( which means ‘dwellers round about’, or ‘People that like to live in bins and feed on Spartan children’) were just that, people who dwelled outside the boundaries of city. And fed on children. Or maybe not.
Both peoples were not of pure Spartan blood, but the Perioci were close to being equals. Except for not having pure Spartan blood. And the bit about eating children. And lacking money. And they had a different name. Oh, what the hell, they weren’t even close.
But that’s besides the point, especially when it comes to Chairman Mao. What a lovely man. I’d often go back in my time machine and drink tea and smoke opium with the founder of Communism in China. Oh, what fun days we had, playing tiddlywinks, smoking opium, going to the theatre, smoking opium, travelling out to the ricefields, smoking opium.....
....Oh, I feel better now. Anyway, back to Helots and Perioci. These peoples were seperated in the class system, but were similar in their non-membership of the Spartan race and their want for asbestos undergarments. Do I just seem to be regurgitating the same point here? Do I? I do, don’t I? Do I?!
The helots were often victims of subtle, yet violent murders and crimes, often under the command of the Krypteia. Perioci did not usually suffer similar crimes, but often they had cruel pranks and tricks played on them. For example, the krypteia would often leave the toilet seat up in Perioci households, place fake vomit in Perioci sandwiches or let rabid goats run amok in the Perioci precinct. These games would leave the Perioci sobbing like weak-willed little pussies with no balls. Other evil tricks included giving Perioci acid enemas in their sleep or shaving Perioci and then throwing them in a salt bath.
Both the Perioci and the Helots were different and that’s why Spartans classed them lower in status. If only we could see past the colours, see the real person, join hands and SING! SING! SING! to the good lord above. HALLEJUHAH! and amen, brother.
Legal Disclaimer: I'm sure Malcolm Fraser is a very lovely man, and he made a great Australian Prime Minister.....the supposition that he actually HAS a prosthetic penis is merely used for comic effect....it might help to note that this essay was written in exam conditions during a very tense period in my life (ie. I plead insanity)
Thankyou for your time.....love ya Mal!!!
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