December 4, 1999

[Rosie Note - this came straight out of my paper diary; the entry before it is dated 12/16/98.]

It has been forever and a day since I have written you. I've become more open and trusting again, the first indication that I'm over Amy-san. I was so hurt for so long, and I never really had the opportunity to talk to anyone about it. I wish I'd had a person outside my whole computer/HC/GeoCities world to talk to, but I didn't. And I still don't, not really. Ironically, the only person I really can talk to right now aside from my parents (specifically my dad) is Nanikhanachi [RN a Choctaw word for teacher]. How is it ironic? She, like Kris and Dad, is in her early 50's. I wonder why I feel so close to that generation in general. Perhaps because they believed they could change the world. It was before the era of pessimism, the era of bombings and terror from within. They believed they could make a difference, so different from the Gen X'ers, who do not. Nanikhanachi reminds me of Kris, I believe. Perhaps she feels the same to me emotionally and spiritually. I know not the answer. All I can do is hope that all is well within myself.

I'm doing okay in my classes. I had a bad quiz in English, bringing my grade from a B+ to a B. Nothing really major. In history I'm doing better on my tests, but my essays still need work. Sometimes my essays are great and sometimes my essays are pathetic. This week I'll spend more time working on my prompt, and then I can do better. I hope. In math, I'll do fine, assuming I read the problem correctly. Our next test is Tuesday. In Marine Bio, I'm going up from a B to a B+. My APCS tests are getting better. Yay! C'est bon. Et mon français...mon français. Choir could be better. I've been freaking out...

My latest crush [RN okay, my only crush] was Reed, this cute guy from Redlands High. He was so sweet and cool and wonderful! Tee hee. I bought a subtitled version of the Sailormoon S movie, which is hilarious. I really do like Chibiusa as a character, though a lot of people don't like her at all. She's one of my favorite characters, with Sailormoon and Sailor V. Codename wa Sailor V is even better than Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon. It's really good. I love both of them. It's so dark in there [RN I'm referring to the stage - I wrote this at my play..]

HOCK reopened. I couldn't believe I was invited as a barnowner. It really startled me. So now is...Crescent Moon Equestrian Centre. I brought back a lot of my old horses. I've bought only a couple of horses in HOCK.

Gotta go.

Rosie

December 11, 1999

This week was quite a depressing one. The Mars project that both Haj and [someone else] worked on didn't quite work out. :( I really like..you know, it's easy to figure out what your emotions are when you're writing them down. Am I nervous about the show? Of course I am. I'm nervous about the show and my DBQ and my timed essay and my essay from last week and my Scarlet Letter essay and my essay to be written..there's a million things I'm worried about and any given time. It's not something I will allow to enter my concious. My scores on the PSAT were very high, I guess, but they weren's as high as Liz's. Q-san [made up name, obviously] is making me really mad because I know for a fact that I never ever ever write down my feelings unless I'm alone. Why? Because I like to work it out alone, by myself. Which is why this exercise isn't WORKING!!! when Q-san yells at people. [RN I wrote this while doing a provate moment.] I'm sick of his yelling. Where are my real people confidantes when I need them? I would love to know what's up, and they usually tell me. Q-san is an annoying dude, yanno! (AAH, I sound like Amy-san now! NO!!! I don't wanna sound like Amy-san! Even though she apologized..) But I wouldn't want anyone really reading any of these thoughts. [RN roflmao - look where they ended up] Later I'll probably write in French (the only thing that can really protect my privacy today). This other dude from acting seems like a jerk. Not like Reed..hehe. It's sort of fun to have a crush you'll never see again, because you remember him as a perfect, wonderful, warm-souled person, umblemished by mistakes made in either the past or future. But he was so wonderful. I really like him. Really! Really really.

I wish I could have spent time talking to Nanikhanachi this past week. I really think she'd be a good influence for me. Unlike, say, my least favorite teacher, who can make me nuts in five short minutes. Or like five minutes of private moments make me. Ay ah! Baah!!

Q-san put on this weird music. It's horrible; now he's yelling at us, too. I can't wait until today is over. Then, maybe, the madness will end. Forever. I'll never have to deal with this again.

I don't know what I should be writing now. (That was when I was in the light for my private moment). So now the show is about to start. I hate this because it looks bizzare. I don't know what I'm doing and it feels absolutely horrible.

I miss having someone to really talk to. I wish Marjorie-oneesama and I could find time to get together, because I miss oneesama. Lindsay-chan's so very far away; it's so expensive to talk to her on the telephone. Who else is there? Kris? Nanikhanachi? They're both 50+! It isn't okay to lay your problems on your elders. I feel worried and tired so often..there's no one to talk to aside from my family, and though I love the,. they don't need to listen to all of my problems either.

I figured out why I latch on to people in their early 50's. It's because they are the generation that believed they had the power to change the world. Vietnam, the Civil Rights movement..they changed the world a lot by bonding together for a common cause. The did have the power, and they used it. Then came the pessimistic generations--my own the most pessimistic of all, or so I feel at times. Maybe that's why I feel I'm an outcast; I believe the world can indeed be changed. But I cannot change the world alone; it requires the energy and love of an entire generation to change the world, now merely the love and energy of one. But I can make a difference in a small way. I am capable of such, and perhaps someday I can change something significant.

I am so sick of Green Day. I think that after today I'll never listen to Green Day again. Not ever. Q-san keeps saying this is interesting, but I think it is so boring. Totally and completely. It's boring to do and it's boringer to watch. (That was grammatically incorrect, I know.) You know, I wish Q-san would shut up because I am sick of doing these private moments all day. If I write another ten pages, I am going to throw up. I will never write another word abain after today, at this rate. This is even worse than a DBQ. Or a timed essay in either history or english. My diary is starting to feel like a blue book because I'm writing down so much and for so long, and a blue book is just about this size. [RN my fingers are getting tired from typing it all, too =P ;) ] I've written so much that my shoulder tendonitis is totally flaring up. I can't wait to finish and go home. I am hungry for some real food and I've started crying light. I don't know that to say because I'm in this light thing again. Aieeee..Aieeeee..AIIIIEEEEEE!!! Lalala..I don't know..

Cheryl

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