The Top 14 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering
his flock, like Moses. (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal,
like Boaz. (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one
and carry her off to be your wife, like the Benjaminites did.
(Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
Note: this will cost you like it cost Adam. (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years
for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right.
Fourteen years of toil for a wife. Poor Jacob! (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and
get his daughter for a wife, like young David. (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely
find someone. (It's all relative, of course--Cain's.) (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest,
like Xerxes or Ahasuerus. (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents,
"I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me."
If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me.
She's the one for me." Samson did. (Judges 14:1-)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).
David learned that one the hard way. (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(It's not just a good idea; it's the law for Onana and Boaz.)
(Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
Solomon had plenty! (1 Kings 11:1-3)
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