~~OR~~ Inside me is a thin man struggling to get out. But I can usually sedate him with a few Twinkies.
I was on a diet so hard that I couldn't even lick stamps without a low calorie glue.
Once I tried to be on a diet: they were the 3 worst hours in my life.
The secret of health is moderation: because of this I limit the number of diets I start.
In every fat man there is a thin man trying to get out to write a book on diets.
When I start a diet, the first thing I lose is my willpower.
I just discovered the real balanced diet: now my stomach is jutting out as far as my bottom.
I had a diet based on garlic: I didn't even lose a pound, but as compensation I lost many friends.
Despair is shaving BEFORE weighing.
The second day of a diet is easier...because by then you are off it.
Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage.
Always use the toilet first.
Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has to weigh something, right?)
Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
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