WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
A Translation of What Men
Really Mean When They Say...
It's up to the women who have been in a relationship
for a long time to explain Man Speak to our sisters!
IT'S A CAR THING
"Woman driver" really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene
gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." really means...
"You may actually get it to start."
"Let's take your car." really means...
"Mine is full of burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"We're going to be late." really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
IT'S A GUY THING
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response
like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"It's a guy thing." really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"That's interesting, dear." really means...
"Are you still talking?"
"It would take too long to explain." really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"Football is a man's game." really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"I was listening to you...
It's just that I have things on my mind." really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I heard you." really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"What did I do this time?" really means...
"What did you catch me at?"
"I'm getting more exercise lately." really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done." really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"It's a really good movie." really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Pamela Anderson."
"Hey, I've read all the classics." really means...
I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
IT'S A MAN THING
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"But I hate to go shopping." really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room
holding your purse."
"Go ask your mother." really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"The new girl at work's one of those rabid feminists." really means...
"She refused to make coffee."
"I'm going fishing." really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,
while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but
will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with
my chest-pounding, mouth-breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"I don't need to read the instructions." really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"Good idea." really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?" really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on something totally unnecessary."
"My wife doesn't understand me." really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"You expect too much of me." really means...
"You want me to stay awake."
"I broke up with her." really means..."She dumped me."
IT'S A HOUSEWORK THING
"Can I help with dinner?" really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"You cook just like my mother used to." really means...
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's women's work." really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, repetitive and thankless."
"I do help around the house." really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"I can't find it." really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"We share the housework." really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"I recycle." really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"It sure snowed last night." really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
IT'S A ROMANTIC THING
"I brought you a present." really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you." really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry
and we are out of toilet paper."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"You know how bad my memory is." really means...
"I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl
I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." really means...
"I forgot to buy you an anniversary present...again."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"Will you marry me?" really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer,
and there is no more peanut butter."
"You know I could never love anyone else." really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"This relationship is getting too serious." really means...
"I like you more than my truck."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
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