Marriage Jokes
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet,
jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a little sex?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"
"First let's see you play that harmonica!"
However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.
This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique:"She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother said, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.-- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.-- Bill Cosby
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.-- Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.-- Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.--Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."--Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.--Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.--Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.--Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.--Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Seen this one?*Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. --Butch Hancock
Q. What's the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.
Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy? It means you're in the wrong house.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn
the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed.
Get a Hobby
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis.And, to her joy, everything got much better.
THE "LIGHTER" SIDE OF MARRIAGE
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore,marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
SO ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH IT? :) You Bet!
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
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