Things I've Learned From My Children
Honest and no kidding!
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb. boy wearing underwear and a superman cape. It is however strong enough to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 23 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the baseball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double-pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear a toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do that in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire, even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak—it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive track of a four-year-old. Ditto pennies.
Duplos will not. Ditto half-dollars. (How the heck did he swallow that, anyway?!?)
PlayDough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super-glue is forever. However, fingers glued with super-glue CAN be pried apart with enough nail-polish remover and the loss of SOME skin. McGyver taught us many things we didn't want to know (much less our 4-year-old). Ditto Tarzan and Bruce Lee. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Nor do car cassette players eject raisin boxes. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably don't want to know what that smell is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in Union City, NJ has a 5 minute response time from frantic phone call to arrival.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
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