Dilbert Replies!
I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the
whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you?
How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time you need him,
chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky
and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,'cuz,
like you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
The Laws of Work or More Dilbertisms
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours,
work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do,
it only matters what you say you've done
and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money
at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with,
the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity,
they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again.
Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car
when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided
it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal
when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional
to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do,
walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem
you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired
will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
Thus, executives and sales people make more money than the engineers and scientists.
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