Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer named Mr. Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave."

Mr. Strange was not amused by the stonecutter's attempt at humor and asked if he had another suggestion. The stonecutter said, "I could write, 'Here lies an honest lawyer'."

The lawyer protested, "But that won't tell people who it was."

"It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read, 'Here lies an honest lawyer' and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'"

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1.Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2.Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3.Overcharging fees to many clients.
4.Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."

St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

A man was being prosecuted. The judge asked him "Don't you need a lawyer ?"

"No, I don't need any, I'm going to tell the truth."

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it "..and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"

"I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world; nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."

Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas; nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so many of them that we can just throw them away..."

Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American stands up, opens the window wider, and throws the Lawyer through it...

Rules for Hunting Lawyers

While hunting is a popular sport in many countries, rules have been established to keep the population of game at a proper level and to insure a fair fight.

Regulations Regarding The Hunting Of Lawyers
US Title 17463, Sec. 1207.35403
Any person with a hunting license may harvest attorneys.

Taking of attorneys with traps is permitted.

The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.
If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash" or "ambulance", for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, ambulances, or hospitals.

Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies and vermin.

It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator (4)
Honest Attorney, On the Endangered Species List. (Illegal to hunt)
Silver-tongued Drug Defender ($100 Bounty)
Other types (No Limit)

jessie555@hotmail.com

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