Lawyer Jokes
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
The lawyer smiled and replied, "You are."
"What new evidence could you have?" said the judge.
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"
The client replied that he did.
The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million.
"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business and $1 million.
"And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!"
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything."
Having just had judgement entered against him, Mr. Walters was upset to be handed his lawyer's bill. "It says here that I have to pay you $10,000 now and $500 a month for the next five years! It's like I was buying a top-of-the-line Mercedes!"
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened. He said that he had new eveidence that made a huge difference in his defense.
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
A lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:
A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.
This page hosted by 
Get your own Free Home Page