Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians
Perfect Fifth: A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Ritard: There's one in every family
Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor: A girlfriend
Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo: "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat: What you do until they just expel you
Treble: Women ain't nothin' but
Bass: The things you run around in softball
Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo: Good choice for a used car
A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions: Men who wear dresses
Cut Time: Parole
Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Middle C: The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba: A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza: That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
Whole Note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Clef: What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos: Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
Minor Third: Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
Melodic Minor: Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale:The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
Quarter Tone: What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet: Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
Cello: The proper way to answer the phone
Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
French Horn: Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives
Time Signature: What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
First Inversion:Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
Staccato: How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
Major Scale: What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"
Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama's cherry pie
Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
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