Church Bloopers
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
•Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight
at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
•Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."
•Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm
in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
•Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
•"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
•Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'.
Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome!
Everyone come for a fun time.
•The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today
has been cancelled due to a conflict.
•The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
•Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
•Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors
for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and
requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
•Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...
•The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...
the final secretary gave a grief report.
•We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith
this morning during the worship service.
Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
•This Sunday morning following services
we will have our monthly feelowship.
•This blooper showed up on the main page of the Internet website
for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada:
"In a show of near anonymity, the convention
approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."
•Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel
who are suffering during our prayer time.
•Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth
•Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
•Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
•The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles.
The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle.
The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
•Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and briefs to bear.
•Church sign: Jesus Saves!
Safeway sign across the street: Safeway saves you more!
•(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care
who pray for the children in school).
When their meeting was cancelled one week:
"There will be no Moms who care this week."
•Said during the congregational prayer for our unsaved loved ones:
Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.
•Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.
Hymns of the Lukewarm Church
(God's Frozen People)
The LukeWarm Church announces publication of "Church Songs,"
whose title, according to the editor, was chosen because
"We didn't want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one
understands anymore like 'worship' or 'hymn.' People in today's
society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk
about things like commitment and dedication.
They'd much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will.
Our book seeks to meet that need."
Sample contents:
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
Above Average is Thy Faithfulness
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name
My Hope is Built on Nothing Much
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
Be Thou My Hobby
O God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
He's Quite a Bit to Me
Oh, How I Like Jesus
I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
I Surrender Some
Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord is Come
Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
Special, Special, Special
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
Stick Nearby, It's Getting Dark Outside
Take My Life and Let Me Be
There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
When Peace, Like a Trickle. . .
When the Saints Go Sneaking In
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
God of Taste, and God of Stories
Lift Every Voice and Intellectualize
Stand and Sing
(from Joke du Jour
To subscribe: mailto:subscribe-jokedujour@lyris.enlist.com )
It seems everyone has a favorite Hymn. Here are some examples:
•The Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
•The Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
•The Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
•The Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
•The Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
•The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
•The Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
•The Optometrist's Hymn: Open Mine Eyes That I Might See
•The IRS Hymn: All to Thee
•The Electrician's Hymn: Send the Light
•The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Theme Songs For Bible Characters
•Adam and Eve: Strangers in Paradise
•Lazarus: The Second Time Around
•Esther: I Feel Pretty
•Job: I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues
•Moses: The Wanderer
•Jezebel: The Lady is a Tramp
•Samson: Hair
•Salome: I Could Have Danced All Night
•Daniel: The Lion Sleeps Tonight
•Joshua: Good Vibrations
•Peter: I'm Sorry
•Esau: Born To Be Wild
•Jeremiah: Take This Job and Shove It
•Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: Great Balls of Fire!
•The Three Kings: When You Wish Upon a Star
•Jonah: Got a Whale of a Tale
•Elijah: Up, Up, and Away
•Methuselah: Stayin' Alive
•Nebuchadnezzar: Crazy
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