Humorous Anonymous Quotes
I almost had a psychic girlfriend
but she left me before we met.
During the earthquake, Bill's zip code
changed three times before he got out of bed.
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel
and they had towels from my house.
Everbody always wants to be FIRST. I don't, I just want to be NEXT.
It's like when you are waiting in a long line at the Post Office.
Finally before you know it you'rrreee NEXT.
It doesn't matter which window opens up, you just don't care
because you'rreee NEXT! And everyone in line
KNOWS who you are too, you're Next!
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.
She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple.
You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
One of the check-out counter has a sign said
"eight items or less." So I changed my name to Less.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said it's "Free With Purchase."
I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed...
It wasn't the kind that folds.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking,"
but I don't have that much time.
Utility is when you have one telephone;
luxury is when you have two;
opulence is when you have three--
and paradise is when you have none.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said,
"Lady, you can HAVE your purse back!"
I don't know if the death penalty ever stopped anyone
from killin', but it stops 'em from killin' again.
The best way to keep teenagers at home
is to make the home atmosphere pleasant
--and let the air out of the tires.
Heard about the new restaurant on the Moon?
Good food, but no atmosphere!
A crisis is when you can't say "Let's forget the whole thing."
AMAZING BUT TRUE...There is so much sand in Northern Africa that
if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
Anything that can be changed will be changed
until there is no time left to change anything.
Be wary of strong drink.
It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Blessed are they who go Go Around in Circles,
for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side,
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Eighty percent of all people consider
themselves to be above average drivers.
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat
blackberry jam on a picnic without looking
to see whether the seeds move.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable
that we have to alter it every six months.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Having children is hereditary: If your parents
didn't have any, then you probably won't either.
How long a minute is depends upon which
side of the bathroom door you're on.
I like work...I can sit and watch it for hours.
I plead contemporary insanity.
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Important letters which contain no errors will develop
errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up
in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.
In a single day, Samson slew a thousand Philistines
with the jawbone of an ass. Every day, thousands of sales
are killed with the same weapon.
In our civilization, and under our republican form
of government, intelligence is so highly honored that
it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
One reason why computers can do more work than people is
that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
REPORTER (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi,
what do you think of Western Civilization?
GANDHI: I think it would be a good idea.
The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts
working the moment you get up in the morning,
and does not stop until you get to school or to work.
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member
of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
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