Humorous Quotations
From Some Famous People
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain
Yield to temptation....it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Dentist: A prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. -- Ambrose Bierce
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Kehlog Albran
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. -- Snoopy
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. -- Mark Twain
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. -- W. Somerset Maugham
The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains. -- Dave Barry
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." -- J. Paul Getty
TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. -- Ambrose Bierce
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.
-- Mark Twain
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.
-- G. B. Shaw
"Hey, who took the cork off my lunch??!" -- W. C. Fields
You can always tell a Harvard man, but you can't tell him much. -- attributed to James Barnes
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
-- Lazarus Long
Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. -- Lazarus Long
In a mature society, "civil servant" is semantically equal to "civil master." -- Lazarus Long
Taxes are not raised for the benefit of the taxed. -- Lazarus Long
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. -- Lazarus Long
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. -- Lazarus Long
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship. -- Lazarus Long
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. -- Lazarus Long
Originality is the art of concealing your source. -- Franklin P. Jones
The lack of money is the root to all evil. -- Mark Twain
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let's economize it. -- Mark Twain
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. -- Kehlog Albran
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