You're getting company in THIRTY minutes! Your house is a mess! WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.

However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn Fifteen Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and can't find the key. Of course, the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow.

CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Unless, of course, you really want to get rid of these people!

Time: 2 seconds

No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything...No muss, no fuss.

Time: 2-3 minutes

If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty pots, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.

Time: 2 minutes

Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. For use with that unsightly pile of laundry.

CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.

Time: 2.5 minutes

Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.

Time: 3 minutes

No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)

Time: 4 minutes

The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.

Time: 3 minutes

Don't use them. Use plastic and you won't have to.

Time: 1 minute

This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.

CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.

Time: 3 seconds

If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.

Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)

Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.

Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.

Time: 10 seconds

Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime. Or use quilts which double as bedspreads and can be thrown over a messy bed in a second.

Time: 0

Forget one and two. Close the shower curtain. Close the lid. Concentrate on three.

Time: 1 minute

If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

And speaking of Martha Stewart...

The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

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9. That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

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8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

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7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

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6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

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5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

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4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

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3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doily-ing.

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2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

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And the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

jessie555@hotmail.com

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