You Meet Some REAL Idiots!

IDIOTS AT WORK
Sign in a gas station: Coke --49 cents. Two for a dollar.
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
I was riding a bus in LA, when the bus pulled up next to an armored truck. The bus driver leaned out the window and said something to the driver of the armored truck. It turns out that the driver of the armored truck had been driving around with the keys to the truck still in the keyhole of the door.
"No Children Allowed" -- A sign in a hospital maternity ward.
IDIOTS IN YOUR OFFICE
A man was listening to a radio news report about the greenhouse effect when his co-worker exclaimed, "I don't know why they keep complaining about this greenhouse effect. If they know that's what's causing the problem, why don't they just stop giving people permits to build them?"
An office was recently having a meeting about their benefits package. One executive suggested adding group burial insurance which prompted his secretary to respond, "No, I don't want to be buried in a group."
IDIOTS AT SCHOOL
Several years ago in a high school Public Speaking class, a speech by one student involved passing a glass eye around the class. When the speaker asked if there were any questions, one of the students noticed that the glass eye wasn't transparent and said, "I don't understand. How do blind people see through this?"
Someone wrote to tell me about a whale watch he went on in high school. His teacher advised the students to bring a jacket in case it rained. This prompted one student to ask, "Well, where do the whales go when it rains?"

The teacher just smiled and said, "They go under the water so they don't get wet."

"Oh, okay!" The student responded.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
I am a member of the local YMCA (which is disguised as a trendy health club). At least once a week, there is a note on the comments board from someone complaining about the parking. Not a lack of parking, but that during peak hours, the available parking is too far away. It strikes me as completely ridiculous and very Californian that people who spend an hour or more lifting weights and pumping step machines would then complain about the 50-yard walk to their car.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOTS AT PLAY
At college, I worked for the film society where I was once asked, "Excuse me, what time is the midnight movie?"
A British tour guide once told me that while addressing a group of Americans visiting Buckingham Palace, landing aircraft at Heathrow Airport made so much noise the group had trouble hearing him. One American lady remarked that the Queen should have known better than to build the castle so near the airport.

jessie555@hotmail.com

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