The Universe According To Dilbert
by Scott Adams
You are without romance or mirth... You must be an engineer.
The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the crud behind the refrigerator.
And in the news... Body parts were strewn for miles... Check your sandwich.
I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.
Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog! Bad dog!
There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.
All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your problems, all you need to do is find them and kill them.
Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don't. And there will be a special name for them:... webmistresses.
Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer... So, life will feel awful, but at least
it will last longer.
It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better to do with their lives.
Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this a convenient time for you? .. No? OK, we'll call back later.
If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll blame it on Microsoft.
What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot.
Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people have big mouths.
It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere animals, but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to "championship wrestling."
One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.
Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.
Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying to strangers.
To become one with your computer is to reach a state of... nerdvana.
When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed.
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