My Personal Page

Claudina This is My Personal Page
It's purpose is to help you understand who I am and
where my heart is.

My real name is Claudina. I was born and raised in a small town in West Texas. My childhood was wonderful. My parents were not seperated and did not fight all the time nor was I subjected to abuse. I am grateful to my parents because they loved us kids enough to do without a lot of luxuries in order to give us the kind of attention that was needed to help us grow into mature adults; able to make our own decisions and understand the consequences of those decisions.

When I was 11 years of age, my sister and I started attended a small "full gospel - holy roller" church called "The Revival Lighthouse". The doctrine was hard but the Spirit of God was tremendous. We held church services on Sunday morning, Sunday night, Tuesday night, Thursday night and Saturday night. I loved going to these meeting so much that I would visit other churches on our off nights.
     Now you are probably thinking "that's just too much church", and it would have been except that the Spirit of God was so real in my life that I just couldn't get enough. I was a young, on-fire for God, zealous Christian.
     I was taught "Hell, Fire, and Brimstone" and believed it wholeheartedly. God was my life and He "held the very breath that I breathed in the palm of His hand", and "if I were to put my hand to plow and look back - I would not be fit for the Kingdom of Heaven". "Abstain from the very appearence of evil"-"if I broke any one of the commandments, I was guilty of them all"-Jesus even said "if you as much as look on a woman to lust after her in your heart, you have committed adultry with her already in your heart" (of course, being female, that exact quote didn't apply, but I belived that if I allowed myself to say "I want that thing", I had coveted in my heart and would be guilty of breaking all the commandments).
     These were strict "Old Time Pentecostal" teachings and
*I want to pause right here to let you know that I am by no means throwing stones or putting down these teachings. It was because of these teachings that I spent so much time studying the Word of God and seeking to know Him as a friend; after all "it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of an angry God".

By the time I was 17, I had met, fallen in love with and married my first husband and the daddy to my 2 oldest children. "Whoa!!!" There's a really large world out there with real problems and struggles that a child couldn't even begin to imagine.
     By the time I turned 19, I had completely lost my connection with God and was totally terrified of having any kind of communication with Him. My life was in shambles. My first husband had moved us away from my church and my family. I was so alone, except for my baby girl, who is really the one that caused me to keep it all together as much as I did. She would tell me "It'll be alright, mommy." as I would sit and cry in absolute despair. I finally prayed that, since it was impossible for me to live right (by my understanding of right), God would leave me alone; I didn't want to cry anymore. I knew in my heart that God would never put more on me than I could bear, and I clung to that promise, wondering, just how strong did He think I was, but believing too, that I had asked for all the punishments.
     I won't go into the nasty details of the following 20 years. I did divorce my first husband (which I thought was an unforgivable sin), and, almost 4 years later married a wonderful man, his name is Jim. I always laughed about 4 being "my" number - 4 months pregnant when I got married; I was married 4 years; and was 4 months pregnant when my divorce came final.

At age 38, I was a full-blown alcoholic, well, at least, that's when I realized it. I, like others, had convinced myself that I had to drink to be fun in a crowd, I didn't want to be a bore (Jim and I were running a bar) I told myself that I didn't have to drink, I could stop any time I wanted to. Man!! Was I mistaken.
     I tried everything I knew of to leave the bottle alone. Jim was a real trooper, he hung in there with me (I know that he was placed in my life by God). I spent an entire year crying and praying "Father, show me how to come home". I knew that the only refuge was in God and His peace.
     Finally, on one cold, misty Tuesday night in January 1999, I was drunk again/still and on my way to an AA meeting. All the way into town I was singing "Just as I am" from the absolute bottom of my soul. I missed the turnoff for the meeting and had to take the next one. I was drunk. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going until I was quite a distance from where I should have turned. I pulled into a parking lot to turn around - it was a church parking lot.
     I sat there in my pick-up looking at this little building. My head was foggy with alcohol, my eyes were dim with tears, and my heart was full of both hope and fear. Hope, that God could still see something in me that could be cleaned up and used for His glory; and fear, that this was going to be just one more failed attempt at a salvation impossible to keep.

I found a piece of paper and a pencil in my purse. I wrote a simple cry for help "To whom it may concren, I need prayer and spiritual support." I wrote my phone number on the note but I did not put my name on it. I then dug around until I found some tape that was so old that it wasn't even sticking to itself very good and stuck this note on the cold, steal, back door of this little church and drove away.
     Remember, that was on Tuesday night, in misting rain. The note was still on the door come Sunday morning and the young man that found it normally didn't use the back door. He called me that morning and then, later that day, the pastor called me.

God forgave me, He delivered me, and began to show me His true love with grace and mercy. I know now that I don't have to be afraid of a tyrant that is sitting on His throne with an eraser in His hand, just waiting for an excuse to erase my name out of the Lamb's Book of Life.
    It is this love that I want everyone to see and realize. We read in 1 John 4:8 "God is love", but until you really get to know Him, these are just pretty words written in a book. I long to introduce all the bruised and battered children of God to the
TRUE LOVE OF OUR FATHER.
I yearn to help others find, within themselves, the Christ that fulfills our every need for intimacy. I don't know enough words to express how wonderful it is to have a Father
WHO TRULY IS LOVE.
May God bless and keep you all in His love and peace,
sincerely,
Claudina