Lupin slipped off his glasses and placed them on the desk in front of him, burying his head in his hands. What was he doing? One minute he was talking about Sirius, the next kissing Hermione Granger, his student of all people. It wasn't right. If she hadn't of mentioned Sirius . . .
He felt the familiar lump form in the back of his throat and tried to swallow it down. He had tried so hard not to think of him for so long and succeeded. No one had asked him how he felt after that first week of giving the ususal response of "fine" to everyone who asked. He had left Grimmauld Place that same night, not wanting to go back to the emptiness of the house he had once shared with his best friend. And now he was gone and he, Remus, was the last marauder left. Sirius gone, James gone so many years ago and even Peter, the traitor, had died in the final battle last year. Though he felt nothing for the man, he was still a part of his past and had died taking the last remembrances of that time with him, leaving Remus completely alone.
Molly and Tonks had tried to comfort him in those days after Sirius' death, but he shrugged them off and exasperated at their failing efforts, the two women finally gave up. He locked himself up in his flat instead reading, drinking, and sleeping for almost two months. Dumbledore offered him different missions he could perform for The Order, but he refused, content to wallow in his sorrow for as long as he could. It wasn't until Harry had shown up on his doorstep, drenched, tears and rainwater pouring down his cheeks that he realized he wasn't alone.
The boy flung himself at the man, looking more like a scared child than the savior of the wizarding world. Remus gave him some dry clothes and tucked him into bed, smoothing his hair until the boy's breath reached the rhythmic calm of a peaceful sleep. He lay by his side throughout the night, silent tears pouring down his own cheeks. How could he have ever thought he was alone when Harry was the one who had lost everyone he ever loved? It was watching those raven lashes upon pale cheeks, the way the boy curled himself into a tight ball, the sad, weary look that graced his face even in sleep that made Remus realize he couldn't live like this anymore. He couldn't waste his time thinking of what should have been. Harry needed him and he needed Harry and the only way he could be there for the boy was if he started living again. It was what Sirius would have wanted.
From that moment on, he worked harder than ever for The Order. He offered to take on the missions no one else wanted to take, the ones that were so dangerous the possibility of death outweighed the chances of survival. He wouldn't give up until Voldemort and all his followers were dead, until he payed for the lives of all those lost along the way. And eventually he did.
The day Lord Voldemort fell he cried and cried, tears flowing like rivers down his face drenching his shirt and his pants. For how long he cried, he didn't know. Hours, days, weeks, it didn't matter. The bastard was gone but the battle, his battle, still raged on. Now he had time to mourn, now he could do nothing but think of him and his smile, his laugh, his voice. Now those memories haunted him day and night, regrets for all the things he should have said and things he shouldn't. It was a pit of sadness he had descended into, bleak and unforgiving and he thought he'd drown. That is until Dumbledore, good man that he was, came and rescued him.
He offered him the one thing he had loved doing at the one place he had loved being with all his heart. And he took it, no longer worried what parents would say, not caring what people would think. He was Professor Remus J. Lupin once again. And he had been perfectly fine until last night.
Hermione, innocent that she was, unknowingly brought him back to that pit with those five little words. You miss him, don't you? He felt his insides crumble and all he wanted was someone to hold him, someone to tell him it would be all right. Someone.
Just those simple touches of brushing his hair out of his eyes were enough to make him see how much he needed that closeness with somebody. It was so wonderful what those few seconds of lips meeting could make him feel, the blood flowing so rapidly through his veins, heart pounding so fast he thought it would explode inside his chest. But he knew deep down it couldn't last. He was her teacher, he was a werewolf for Merlin's sake! He wasn't meant to be with anyone, even with the wolfsbane potion at work. She was a distraction in a moment of weakness that was all. And he would end it all tomorrow.
*****
By the time Hermione arrived in the Great Hall for breakfast the next morning, it was already packed. "Morning," she said cheerily as she plopped down in the seat across from Harry and Ron.
"Why are you so happy?"
"Oh, leave her alone, Ron. She's in a good mood," Harry chided.
She gave Harry a "thank you" smile then glanced up at the staff table to see Lupin deep in conversation with Professor Sprout. Once she had caught his eye, she gave him her most dazzling smile. Surprisingly, he frowned at her and turned back to his conversation. Figuring it was only for show, Hermione ignored it and grabbed a piece of toast.
"Shoot!" She slammed her fist down on the table moments later making Ron, Harry and a few other Gryffindors jump.
"What was all that about?" Ron asked.
"I just forgot something, that's all. I need to go to the library. I'll see you in Herbology." She snatched another piece of toast off the table, grabbed her bag and sprinted out of the Great Hall.
"I don't know how I ever went out with her. That girl is so strange," Ron said, watching Hermione's retreating figure.
"You didn't seem to think she was so strange when you were snogging her every chance you got," Harry teased.
"Oh shut up, Harry." He punched the other boy playfully on the arm.
"Ron . . . Harry, do either of you know where Hermione went?" Lupin stood across the table from the two boys, a look of grim determination on his face.
"She said she was going to the library. Is everything all right, professor?" Harry's green eyes lit up with concern. He could always tell when something was bothering the man.
"What? Yes, I'm fine. Thank you," he said before striding quickly from the room.
"Was it me or was Lupin acting strange?"
"If you ask me, everyone seems to be acting strange, first Hermione, now Lupin. What's next? Is Malfoy gonna come over and ask to be mates?" Ron said, stuffing a fork full of eggs into his open mouth.
*****
When he saw Hermione get up and leave the Great Hall, he knew it was the moment. Most everyone was enjoying breakfast and since classes didn't start for another hour, they would have plenty of time to talk.
Remus silently slipped into the library and greeted Madam Pince with a small smile. The witch beamed back at him, her cheeks turning pink, then continued about her work. I always knew she had a thing for me, Remus mused.
He headed down the main aisle, eyes perusing the book stacks for any sign of the Gryffindor. Finally spotting her bag on one of the tables, he knew he was getting close. He searched the maze of stacks before catching a glimpse of a mass of bushy hair disappearing around the corner. Remus doubled back, standing at the opposite end of the aisle Hermione had just entered and took a deep breath before calling out to her. I can do this, he told himself.
"Hermione." The girl looked up from the book she was scanning.
"Remus." She approached him quickly but made no move to make contact with him, the large tome still grasped in her hands. "Hi."
"Hermione, I think we need to talk about what happened last night." He kept a stern look on his face, hoping she would see he was serious.
"Oh." Her voice was calm but could see the nervousness in her eyes.
"Look, Hermione. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression last night. I didn't mean for any of that to happen. I am your teacher and my actions were very inappropriate. I think we should both forget it ever happened."
Hermione was worrying her lower lip, eyes wide and glassy. "Yes. You're right, professor. It was all a mistake. It can never happen again." She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
"Hermione, I'm sorry if I made you think that there could be anything between us. I really am."
She nodded. "Yes, I know. If you'll excuse me, I-I have to get to class."
She dropped the book at his feet and dashed off through the stacks, Lupin calling after her but with no success. He picked up the large volume and ran his hand over the gold lettering across its face: Full Moon: Terrifying Creatures of the Night and sighed. He placed it back on the shelf remembering the day he had come to this exact location with Sirius and James and opened that book laughing at all the misconceptions about werewolves, thinking the danger was all a joke. It was different now, he knew what could happen if he slipped up and forgot to take the wolfsbane potion. He couldn't, wouldn't let anyone in. The pain of losing someone else he cared about was too much to bare. And that included Hermione.
*****
When Hermione didn't show up in Herbology, the two boys began to worry. But it wasn't until her absence in Care of Magical Creatures that they thought something serious may have happened to her. After all, Hermione missing one class, while rare, wasn't so bad, but two, and even the other Gryffindors started to notice giving the two boys inquiring looks. They shrugged in reply, just as lost as everyone else. Even Hagrid has asked where she was in the beginning of class and they had said she wasn't felling well. Whether that was the truth or not, they didn't know.
"Do you think she's all right?" Ron asked.
"I'm sure she's fine," Harry said rather weakly, carefully stepping over the trail of slime left by the streeter he and Ron were looking after. Truth be told, he was worried. The last time Hermione skipped all her classes, she was almost killed by a troll. "Maybe she's off snogging some Ravenclaw, " Harry offered up and the two boys laughed, their nervousness lessened somewhat.
It wasn't until an hour before dinner when Hermione finally stumbled through the portrait hole, eyes puffy, cheeks red, looking all for the world as if she just wanted to plop down in bed and fall asleep. Those thoughts were dashed the second Ron and Harry spotted her.
"Where have you been? We've been worried about you all day," Ron rushed out, betraying his concern.
A second later, Harry chimed in. "Are you all right, Hermione?"
"Ron, can I talk to you for a minute?" She looked at Harry as of to say "I'm sorry" and waited for Ron to answer. He too looked at Harry and when the other boy nodded, he turned back to Hermione. The two of them walked up to the boys dormitory and Ron pushed a smirking Seamus and Dean out before shutting the door.
"What's going on? Where were you today?"
Before he knew what was happening, Hermione's lips descended on his. He kissed her back even though he knew he shouldn't, but when she was doing that thing with her tongue . . . He could feel hot tears rolling over his face, Hermione's tears. This wasn't right. She was supposed to be happy, not crying her eyes out.
"No," he said weakly against Hermione's lips, her efforts at kissing him unrelenting. "Mione, stop." This time it was said with more force. Hermione's lips froze on his neck and she slowly pulled away. He held her by her shoulders and looked at his ex-girlfriend. Her eyes were closed but it did nothing to stop the tears that poured down her cheeks.
"Mione . . . " He waited until she opened her eyes and looked at him. "You know why what just happened can't happen again, don't you?"
"Because we'll end up fighting all the time just like we did when we went out," she said in a small voice, sniffling.
"You know it's true," he said quietly. "What's really bothering you?"
Hermione didn't answer right away. Ron wouldn't let up until she told him, but she couldn't. She swore to Remus she wouldn't and despite her anger and frustration with him, a promise was a promise.
"I-I can't tell you, Ron. Don't look at me like that. I made a promise. Please. I'm sorry."
He heard the desperation in her voice and sighed. "Fine. You don't have to tell me. I just want to know you're okay. You are okay, right? Nobody hurt you, did they? It was Malfoy, wasn't it? I'm gonna-"
"No. This has nothing to do with Malfoy." She saw him relax and continued. "I'm fine now. I just . . . needed you." She hadn't meant to say it, but it was true.
"You know I'll always be here, Mione."
"I know." She hugged him tightly and got up, smoothing out her robes. "Why don't we go down to dinner? I'm starving." She smiled brightly and Ron couldn't help but smile back.
"Good. I'm starving too." The two headed down to the common room to find Harry.
*****
Remus sat at the staff table watching the students filter into the Great Hall. He still felt horrible about this morning. The look on Hermione's face when he had told her it was all a mistake caused his stomach to churn and it hadn't stopped since. He watched the infamous trio walk through the doors of the Great Hall, Ron's hand around Hermione's waist, the three of them laughing. They took their seats and started eating. Hermione must have felt his eyes on her because she turned and looked straight at him. He couldn't tell anything from the look but the second she turned away, he frowned slightly, upset with himself for letting all of this happen in the first place. He went back to his dinner trying to dispel all thoughts of Hermione and the kiss from his mind without much success.
Neither of them noticed the Slytherin watching them, the way his eyebrows shot up when he saw who Lupin was watching, the smirk that twisted his lips as he went back to eating his dinner. Oh, he thought deviously. I have the Gryffindor now.
*****
"Are you two are going to Hogsmeade next weekend?" Harry said in between his bites of chicken.
"Oi! I forgot. Fred and George are coming. They said they'd meet us in Honeydukes for some butterbeer."
"It'll be nice to see them again," Hermione said, smiling. They were like her brothers. She had gotten close to the twins after spending all of the last two summers and Christmas holidays with the Weasley's."I wonder how the shop's doing?"
"Good. They've sold loads of stuff."
She tuned out the boys' conversation and snuck a peek up at the staff table to find Lupin had already left. Disappointed, she turned back to her dinner and the debate over which Skliving Snackbox was best.
*****
By the time the next Defense Against the Dark Arts class rolled around, she was feeling a lot better. Harry and Ron had done everything possible to cheer her up, including turning Malfoy's hair a disgusting shade of green one day in the hallway after potions. Despite the fact that they had both received a week's worth of detention from Snape and fifty points had been taken from Gryffindor, they didn't seem to mind.
"Miss Granger?" She waved off Harry and Ron at the end of class and headed to the front. Lupin waited until the room was empty before he spoke. "I'd like to see you here tonight at eight so we can continue with your defense lessons."
"Yes, Professor." When he didn't say anything more, she turned to leave.
"Hermione," he called out as she got to the door. "I'm sorry."
She paused for a minute, back still to Lupin, like she wanted to say something, but changed her mind and left. Lupin leaned back against his desk and sighed. This was turning out to be a lot harder than he thought.
*****
Hermione looked down at her watch and got up to go.
"Hey, where are you going, Mione?" Ron asked as he looked up from the headlock Seamus had him in.
"Defense lessons," she said trying to hold back laughter. The sight of Ron struggling against the smaller boy was too funny.
"Well, have fun." He instantly went back to fighting off Seamus and the two ended up wrestling on the floor.
"Bye," Harry said softly, smiling at her, then returned to his book.
She smiled back at him, glad to see his interest in his studies just wasn't a way to get his mind off the war this past summer, but a now permanent part of Harry Potter. He was so set on becoming an auror that he was working a lot harder in all his studies. She smiled to herself as she walked out the portrait hole. She was glad to see the smile and relaxed posture she hadn't seen since first year back on Harry's face. She only wished she could be the same.