Male Bashing Jokes

ITS A GIRL THING
   Everyday I give thanks to God,
   I have two mounds upon my bod.
   
   I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
   I can justify any shopping spree.
   
   Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon,
   Can get a massage, without a hard-on.
   
   Can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas,
   Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
   
   My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long,
   At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
   
   I don't drive in circles at any cost,
   And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
   
   Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon,
   Every time I have to go to the john.
   
   I don't brag about the size of my "cup",
   Hey, put the seat down, 'cause I won't leave it up!
   
   I never forget an important date,
   You just gotta deal, I'm usually late.
   
   I don't watch movies with lots of gore,
   Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
   
   I won't lose my hair,
   I don't get jock itch.
   
   And just cause I'm assertive,
   Don't call me a bitch.
   
   I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
   The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
   
   Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
   Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art.
   
   Don't say to your friends, "Oh yeah, I can get her",
   In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!
   
   Flowers are okay, but jewelry's best,
   Would you look at my face, not at my chest!
   
   I don't have a problem expressing my feelings,
   I know when you're lying, you look at the ceiling.
   
   Don't call me a girl, a babe or a chick,
   I am a WOMAN, get it, you prick?
   
   Let me tell all you men,
   Listen to me boys,
   Those things in your pants,
   That you treat as toys,
   You love them more then we ever will,
   We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
   
   I know all you men Think that you're "IT",
   But compared to a woman,
   You just ain't SHIT!

A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as 'she' and 'her'. He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.

They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL
GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,"HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN
FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW"

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT?
NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT." TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX
THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST
FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT
TO BREAK."

I'M NOT A DARN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT
TO FIX THE STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE
HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T
THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE
TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP
OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE
STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE
SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET
A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

'HONEY, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE
AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED
ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE
OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO
WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU
BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE
BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"

            Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
            Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
-Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet!