My name is Vicky.

My abuse started even before I was born. My mom not wanting to "get fat" when she was pregnant with me (she was a size 3) took amphetimines(speed) to keep from gaining weight. I was born 3 weeks late with an underdevolped imune, respirtory and ...........system. This was due to my mothers drug use. I was 3 days old before my mother got to see me. 2 months before my parents were able to take me home. (I found out later that the hospital had not wanted to release me to my parents. But because they had money and power the hospital feared a lawsuit)

According to my mom I never cried as a baby. She would do things to make me cry like stick me with pins and all I would do was whimper. My mom says she never held me because when she did I would stiffen up. (she had decided that I didn't like her) I know that my parents were gone quit often as they both loved parties and traveling. I was sick quit often as a baby until my immune system fully developed. At first I was taken to the hospital everytime I sneezed but by the time I was 5 all visits to the doctors had stopped.

I nearly died of tonsilitis when I was 7. My tonsils were so inflamed that i had 1 inch of breathing space left . I was admited to the hospital that day and operated on that evening.) I was emotionally abused by my mom, dad, grandfather and others that I don't remember their names or faces.

My mom loved to scare us by acting like she was possessed and chasing us and draging us out of our hiding places. I often blocked things out during this time and most of my information comes from my sister (who is 7 yrs older) and from processing work I have done with my therapist.

Mostly what I remember are darkensss, lights hands and voices telling me it was my fault. My mother would give me enema's and laxaitives (to clean me out) I would be tickeled so horendously that it hurt. I don't remember how old I was when my grandfather started sexually abusing me. He would spend the summers and sleep in the same room as me and my younger sister.


The earliest abuse I remember from him was was 8 but I belive stuff happened before that I have blocked out. The abuse went on for several summers but to me feels like one long summer. I was 12 when I found out that my parents had taken movie pictures of the abuse and were showing them to their friends at parties. I've also been told that they (the friends) would come into our rooms at night.

My dad began driniking again when I was 9 (he had been sober for 10 yrs before this) he was a very mean person drunk. I had assigned myself the family protector. He sexually abused my sisters and brother and would often terrorize everyone in the house. Nothing was ever done right. Once he threw my brother (age 3) across the floor while my mom and my aunt just sat there watching the t'v. I don't remember my dad ever sexually abusing me but I'm sure he did. I know he tried several times when I was a teenager.

I was 8 the first time that I tried to kill myself. The second time I was 16 and had tried also to drown my youngest sister. (my plans were to kill everyone) I was drunk both times.
For this reason I don't drink any alcohol.

I was 17 when I left home. I was emancipated so my parents had no say over me. It took me many more years to break the bond emtionally.

I waited for the one thing I will never get. an apology. i love my parents becaue they are my parents but I also hate them for what they have done to me. I have a disoctive disorder (and was possibly mpd as a child ) have ptsd, anxiety disorder and dysthermia. I avoid social situations as much as possible and tend to attack when I feel threatened.

Thanks for reading my story. I hope that it can help someone.

Vicky

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