HUMOUR

What They Say, What It Really Means                                                                                        by M. Jordan    A lot has been written recently about the codes in language but everybody, as usual, has missed the point.  The point is that people need a simple was to figure out what others really mean when they say certain things. To that end, we've begun compiling a list of common statements and what they really mean.                                     When people say:                                                    What they really mean is:      We can't come to the phone right now but...                   Please don't break into our vacant house and stealrom us.     If it just saves one life, it's worth it.                            I have no idea what I'm talking about.     (In response to "How do you like my new          something-or-the-other")                                          It's different.      I plead innocent.                                                           You can't prove I did it.      I'm big-boned.                                                            It's not my fault I'm fat.                                      My favorite book?  I like the classics.                         I am a liar.                                   You and I should have a diet contest.                             You're as fat a slob as I am.      Look, I'm gonna be honest with you.                            Look, I've been lying to you so far and now I'm                                                                                                                gonna really let one fly.                                 I'm against government handouts.                                 I'm against government handouts to other people.                             She looks anorexic and I'm worried about her.              She's skinnier than me and I hate her.      That speech was very thought- provoking.                    The thought it provoked was "I can't wait till it's over."                                     We don't watch much TV, mainly just PBS.                   We're psuedo-intellectual snobs and  liars and proud of it.             (Spoken at a Microsoft committee meeting)                                   I have an idea.                                 I just found out what [some other company] is working on.

Answering Machine Messsages LIST ---------------------------------------------------- "Hi!  I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message,  name and number, I'll call you back when I am..."  *beep* ---------------------------------------------------- "You've reached the B&D hotline.  All our operators are tied-up  right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of  transgressions and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance." ---------------------------------------------------- (1) "Hello, this is Ron.  (pause)   Hello?   Hello!!?    Nah, just kidding.  This is an answering machine. (etc.)" (2) "Hello, this is Ron.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil."  (background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)  "OK, what would you like me to tell me?" ---------------------------------------------------- "We are unable to come to the phone right now.  At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval." --------------------------------------------------- "Hello?"  "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you." ----------------------------------------------------   "Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can." ---------------------------------------------------- Steve:  Hello.  Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if... Matt:  Steve, what are you doing? Steve:  I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt:  But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve:  No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt:  No, you're incorrect.  It's definitely my turn. Steve:  You fool.  I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with that frying pan?!?   BONK [really loud thud] Matt:  Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number. ---------------------------------------------------- "Hello.  I'm David's answering machine.  What are you?" ---------------------------------------------------- "Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......" ---------------------------------------------------- (Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim.  Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,number, and a brief message at the tone.  This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim. ---------------------------------------------------- "Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name ...", etc. ---------------------------------------------------- "Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away.  Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer." ---------------------------------------------------- Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.   Leave a message and then wait by the phone until  call you back. ---------------------------------------------------- -Noisy pick-up of phone Uh... Hello? Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige where he'll see it.  Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live? ---------------------------------------------------- But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine  message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message. Feh! ---------------------------------------------------- The President is not in his office at this time.  Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. ---------------------------------------------------- "This is David.  Talk." ------------------------------------------------ "Hi.  This is David.  I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a   sedative.  As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.   When I wake up I'll play my messages.  Please leave one." ------------------------------------------------ "You know what to do at the tone." ------------------------------------------------ "Hello?"   This confuses anyone who doesn't know you. ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, I'm not here."   A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with  "Okay, that's all I wanted to know." ------------------------------------------------    Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. Hello, this is .  I'm home right now, and in a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP! Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick  your message to myself with one of these magnets.   After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.  I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. This is you-know who.   We are you-know-where.   Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. http://www.columbia.edu/~sss31/rainbow/tel.messages.html

Why God doesn't have a PhD --- Why God never received a PhD. 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10.When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11.When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12.He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13.Some say he had his son teach the class. 14.He expelled his first two students for learning. 15.Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests. 16.His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop. ------------------------- Joyce Johnson

Whose Job Is It? This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.  Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.