"This is Burma, and it will be quite unlike any land you know about", well I did nick that out of the Lonely Planet guide, but then they nicked it from Kipling, so all is fair in love and trying to impress your mates with all the places you've been and failing. Well Burma ruled completely, I thought Laos was good, but Burma was even better in terms of things to see and the natives (not restless in the slightest). Big words I hear you ask, well its just about time some sort of lucidity (silent - name the band for a special mystery prize) entered my ramblings. I saw many many things, most of them being pagoda shaped, I tell ya if I see many more Buddhist worship places......and most of them were gold, they all seem to spend sooooo much money on little gold leaf squares which they stick to rocks, temples and buddhas. The Burmese make all other Buddhist nations look like part time amateurs they are so devout. So devout are they that they have neglected to study advertising properly (I know that they have more important things to worry about like food and general survival in the face of a 1984-stylee regime, but it make a good link nah?), so most of the products are advertised by one Ewin Moe (Myanmar's most famous actor) and one of the three famous Burmese actresses (each seems to have a special skill - soft drinks, airlines etc..). They have great fun prancing, dancing and wandering about whilst drinking, shopping, sunglass wearing etc, but it takes the piss when the beautiful people can have fun lighting mosquito coils and the brand name for drinks is communicated by showing the two stage types gallumphing about infront of a whackin (spidermonkey) great lorry with "MAX COLA" emblazoned on the side. Still, fit girls holding the product always works for me. The music scene is not much better either, there is a ban on foreign lyrics being broadcast on the radio, so a huge industry has sprung up in the capital where the songs are re-recorded with Burmese (I supposed) lyrics, so that they can be played on the radio. What they overdub is shite however, the Vengabus having truly arrived, carrying the Spice Girls and the muppets who sang Agadoo (black lace?), so its not exactly er good. That said foreign music is available to buy, and a big pirating industry has also started up, so I got the Prodigy Dirtchamber sessions (well worth a listen) for 40pence and an ffrr compilation for 80p. Lovely. The cheap music just about made up for the fact that I am (quite obviously in a land of shortarsed dark skinned foreign-speaking folk) a foreigner, therefore the foreigner tax department are out in full force. Some of the fees are worth it, but others most certainly not - Mandalay Fort for example $5, and the only not-badly-reconstructed-after-it-all-got-f*cked-in-WWII bit is the outer walls you can see for free, and its an army base so you can't really wander about anyway. What also takes the piss is that it isn't obvious that you have to pay either, so after walking up a huge hill to see the (admittidley famous) view of an old capital you get clobbered for $4, which is bad enough as the view isn't THAT good (put it in perspective you can get by in Burma quite nicely thank-you-very-much for $10/day), but then some cheeky blighter pops up from nowhere and demands a camera fee, despite the fact that you are not going to use it. Oh Well. Or the ferry crossing where locals pay 5 kyats (pronouced chats) and foriegners pay 300 odd. What was worth it was Bagan, a vast plain littered with temples (nearly 3000 complete and over 5000 if you count brick mounds) which is quite a view at sunset. Its not as good as Angkor. Well its sort of different, its so good because there are so many temples, Angkor was good cos it was all hidden in Jungle and was intricately carved up close as well as being hoooge, but I thought Angkor was better - I'm going back in a year or so as well if anyone wants to come (uh-huh-huh). What else, oh yeah there was a rock balanced (just) on the edge of a cliff that was holy and dead beautiful and golden (just in case you forgot), and massive lake which was always calm and had people who rowed with their legs, the worlds biggest hung (or is it well hung, snigger) uncracked bell, what would have been the worlds biggest buddhist monument had it been finished (1/3 completed and its still large (oops Pete Tong attack), lovely hill stations where you can hike for a day or a week (although singing the fa-la-leee, fa-la-laaaa song from the fast show is seriously bad form chaps), betel nuts (made me poorly), moonshine hunts (aided by guides and hotel owners - fermented palm sap, orange likker, plain is-it-water?-f*ck-no-its-pure-ethyl likker and nice beer), tea shops (tea without condensed milk tastes bad, and the snacks (Indian through to fried chinese pastries)were gorgeous and cheap), and a lovely beach which I had pretty much to myself (and some enourmous jellyfish on the last morning) cos its low season now (due to it being rather hot also) which I needed after being exposed to too many temples and overnight bus rides (where rather than the road being in bad condition, the rocky dirt track over the mountain range was in bad nick) with Burmese music (see above and they also have their own real bad homegrown, well talent's too good a word... and Burmese films (featuring Mr. Avertise-it-all-for-wads-of-cash himself and his gang of three. There is also Mrs. Stern-but-respected-the-protective-mother and Dave-oh-leave-me-alone-I-want-to-go-down-the-toddy-bar the comically henpecked hubby, and a cast of,er others. The people are soo nice, I was invited to watch the Premiership with many people (my wife doesn't understand and it would be great to watch the premiership with an englishman was a commoon request), been bought dinner and breakfast by people who were stiing next to me on the bus etc...(oh and called handsome by many, many laydeeez) Oh and the women are just gorgeous also. Lovely. The nicest so far (and by a long way) I'm off to learn the lingo and export meself a wife. Speaking of lingo, I was in town yesterday making a nuisance of myself when I came across the British Phrasebook from Lonely Planet, you have to check it out, its brilliant, especially the yorksire dialect section. I can't end without a word about the Burmese government. They are not nice. In the slightest. There is a widespread sort of Orwellian people reporting on other people thing going on, any open dissent can be punished with a spell in jail etc. One comedian is in jail for 7yrs (hard labour, and not allowed to see his family) for saying "In the past thieves were called thieves, now they are called co-operative workers", which was a reference to the generals who run the country. They are in cahoots with de chinks (so thats why no-one in western govt does anything - mustn't upset the largest prospective market place for our goods must we? despite the fact that they are the biggest bunch of human rights denying bastards about, but whats an ethical policy or several between friends?), who are moving into Myanmar in force and live like kings, much to the disgust of the Burmese. Many of the truces between the govt and the insurgent tribes (like the United Wa State Army - the single biggest armed drugs manufacturers in de world according to the US) are suspected to be arranged for a cut of their profits (no pun intended) Also forced labour is still used (although the Burmese govt. recently told the US that it was quite certainly not - so all those villagers I saw at the sides of the road with the road laying equipment were just enjoying their weekend hobby or build-the-road then were they? I (and the people I asked) don't think so. There are hilarious (sort of) posters everywhere urging people to treat "those acting for destructive elements and acting as stooges as the common enemy", and "only when the govt is strong can the nation be strong" etc. Foriegn newspapers are also banned "The New Light Of Myanmar" is the official publication and I have not seen such a great big hairy pile of utter bollocks since I looked down in the shower this morning. It has main stories along the lines of "Chief Testicle Breaker No.1 Visits Happy (and didn't they just look it) Collective workers of bumf*ck province who have just improved rice production by 3% - a great step forward for the union." and so on. This doesn't work as those who can watch CNN and those who can't listen to the world service - as English is very widely spoken this isn't a problem. Whats this? A little bit of politics Ben? (Elton for all you dullards) ttfn will right soon (and more frequently unless I get replies) J

Location map

For a little more detailed description of his ports of call, scroll down and click the links below.

Myanmar: Stats Physical Economy Burmese Art History J's Milestones Mandalay Other links of interest: James' Profile.