This is just a sample of the funnier things that find their way into my mailbox...

• [Child of the 80's]
• [Dubya Quotes]
• [Dr. Laura]
• [Get rid of a pesky telemarketer]

You are a child of the 80's if...

Snap bracelets were always getting you in trouble at school.
You played with "My Little Ponies".
Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken.
You've ever read Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, The Babysitters Club (Say Hello to your friends!), or Sweet Valley High.
You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby".
You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
You remember the New Kids On The Block.
You had Garbage Pal trading cards.
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery.
Heaven forbid you wore one of those t-shirt rings or a scrunchie on one side of your shirt during your youth.
You put puffy paint on your own shirt at least once.
You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on its butt. Cabbage Patch Kids!
You knew what Willis was "talkin' bout."
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off" .
You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power, and He-Man were cancelled.
You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours, back when they were new episodes.
You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.
You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."
You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
You wanted to be a Goonie. ("Goonies never say die.")
You remember Madonna in her cone stage.
You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
You wore flourescent-neon clothing...
You could break-dance, or wished you could.
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
You remember M.C. Hammer.
You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of "Bel Air".
How many of you can recite the theme to "Duck Tales"?
You own any cassettes.
You owned a pair of L.A. Gear, Keds, or Converse tennis shoes.
You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. (And how come Baby Smurf never grew up...)
"My Little Pony", "Gummy Bears", "Transformers", "You Can't do that on Telivision", "Noozles", "KIDS Incorperated", "Captian Kangroo", "Double Dare", and "Hey Dude" are familiar to you.
You ever had a Swatch Watch or a Doonie and Burke
You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the "Care Bear stare"(there is nothing wrong with that!!!!).
You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos. (you know it! ;))
You ever wore the purple and grey "Kangaroo" shoes with the nifty little pocket on the side!
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
You spent hours in the basement building and re-building Lego cities.
Do Polly Pockets or Popples ring a bell
Big wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go.
With your Playschool record player you sang back up to Debbie Gibson.
"Party like it's 1999" seemed SO far away!!
You stayed up all night listening to Teddy Ruxpin.
Can we say Trapper Keeper?
Can you tell you how to get to Sesame Street?
If you wanted to be on the GLADIATORS!!!
If you still have a crimper in your bathroom drawer.
If you remember singing Amy Grants "Baby, Baby".
You owned a Indiana Jones hat.
You had more than one Star Wars action figure.
You loved your pink jeans, black stretch pants and big loop earings.
If you wanted to pick a lock with a toothbrush just like MacGyver.
You wanted to travel through time on "Quantum Leap".
You had at least one Hypercolor shirt.
If you remember when rollerblades were the new thing.
If you learned how to spell mouse from the "Mickey Mouse Club" theme song.
You felt like a big girl when your mom bought you GIRL TALK.
You used to wear bright pink slip-ons and jelly shoes
You used to compare your little brother to Ferguson.
You were scared of the Gremlins.
You remember when Ren and Stimpy was a new show.
Your parents wouldn't let you watch "The Simpsons" because it was inappropriate.
"The Wonder Years" was a part of your daily lifestyle.
You had Hotwheel races down your street during the block party.
When MTV was all about Rock Hard videos and BIG hair (first aired in 1981!!!).
Pee Wee's Play House...Rainbow Brite...Fanny Packs (need I say more...:)).
If you can remember when your "Kid Sister, Kid Sister" seemed so tall...
Did you keep your hot pink lipstick in a Caboodle?
You could not get enough hair spray on those bangs?
How many trolls did you have?
Does "Heros in a half shell" mean anything to you (TURTLE POWER)?
Everything was rad, totally awesome, and tubular!!!
You remember when the original nintendo was the best $100 you could spend?
You wanted to go to the Bozo show?
You remember when there was no Barney.
When the Ghost Busters were the ones to "call".
Ponytails to the side, braids SPANDEX- Joanna Ripley
Barbie's boyfriend had to be a New Kid (new kids on the block)
GI JOE was the way to go
Adventures in Babysitting, Labrynth
All girls had BARBIE ar JEM
Sun Jammers, 3/4 length shorts, High tops
You were in a huge choir at your elementary school
Boys loved to be chased and kissed
"Like a Virgin" would NEVER be your theme song when you grew up
Cubs, Brownies, Guides, Scouts, Beavers (you belonged to one of these)
BIG GRAY CELL PHONES- Zack Morris
Slouch Socks
Fat Albert
hoola hoops and sidewalk chalk
"Hey MAN it's a POGO BALL!!" -Mark Allen

If you can identify with at least half of these, you are a child of the 80's!!

[Top of page]

Some interesting quotes from the new president, George W. Bush, Jr.

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." 9/18/95
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between mother and child."
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor,and that one word is 'to be prepared." 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy." to reporters in 10/9
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. "
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." 9/5/93
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system
"the continent of Nigeria" Presidential Debate 10/2000

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Laura Schlessinger is a Canadian radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television Group is currently producing a "Dr Laura" television show. She has made some biblically fundamentalist statements about homosexuals that have caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the internet.

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific biblical laws and how to best follow them. Specifically:

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some flexibility here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? Lev.20:14).

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

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Terrorize Your Telemarketer

1. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I am so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

2. If the caller says he's John Doe from XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name. Then ask him to spell the company name. Then ask where it's located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

3. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with iVillage.com..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

4. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

5. Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you couldn't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

7. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it's a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream "Oh my God!" and hang up.

8. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the Telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up. (Thanks to "Seinfeld" for this one!)

9. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

10. Tell them it is dinnertime, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

11. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon. How's your momma?"

12. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write down every word !