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The good times were/are very good ("I fucking love you")and the bad times were/are very bad("I feel like I've been lied to by the god of truth").
There, I'm done.
Yeah right, I wish. I've had to change and rewrite this page a number of times already, because so much depends on mood and day to day progress. However, one fact has remained the same to me... optomism and pessimism are two very different sides of the same coin.
I'll start with something easy, I guess. First I guess I should explain the Dirtmonster name. It's not derogitory, if you think it sounds that way. No no. We started actually officially dating at the end of January (another December relationship, because we had done other couple-things in the past month). And as you may know, this is around the time of Groundhog day. I begged and pleaded to delay our officiality until then, so I could call her my groundhog. She didn't quite like that idea at first. But, I called her that anyhow, and it kind of stuck, and one day, when attacking the question of where all the dirt went from the pool being dug in her backyard, I stumbled upon the name of 'Dirtmonster', implying that she was a monster for that fresh n' tasty dirt and chowed down on it every chance she got. Hmn, I guess it might sound derogitory to some, but it wasn't. Just a weird inside joke, I guess. I mean, she even drew this big picture about it with her and a pile of dirt, ready to be digested.
So that's the story of the name. My nickname preference went back and forth between the two, and a couple others.
Hmn, I guess first I'll attack what I learned from this failed relationship o' mine. Like one of the first lines in this page says, some of my learning was about ism's. Pessimism and optomism, in particular. I realized during my time with the Dirtmonster that I really am quite an optomistic person. I re-inforced a couple of ideas I had about myself too. I realized that I only like to really try to relate to one person at a time. Like, I prefer to have very few people be close to me, and even the people that are in with me still live at various degrees of intimacy. And no one knows everything, and I like it that way. I'm a secretive person, though you wouldn't know from the way I write this site. Very secretive and private, and like to have to only rely on myself and be independent. And they were all things I kind of knew, but nothing I'd ever put into such blunt terms to myself, or really even thought about. But what I did get out of it most was the optomism point. I don't like the word "can't". I hate like giving up, and rarely even consider it as any type of possiblity. But Dirtmonster, well, she used "can't" a lot. And I really found out that I'm actually... quite positive. Something that I didn't think I was because of my cynicism. But you *can* be cynical and optomistic, I found... and I am both those things at once. And of course, another major lesson learned for me was this; don't tell anyone you actually know about your personal webpage. It can often restrict what you get to write.
Hmn, but this seems to be more about me than her so far. Well, lets see... we got any embarassing stories? Hmn, I'm not quite sure. Well, there was the time we went and saw Blink in concert. I, of course, went to see my idols, Bad Religion who were *somehow* an opening act. Well, while there waiting for shit to go down, waiting to be let in, one of the guys from Blink, Mark, came out the gate in this bright traffic stopping shirt and was mobbed by girls within seconds. After that Dirtmonster saw it fit to tease me with the idea of Greg Graffin doing something of the same sort of thing, which made me paranoid and antsy quite quickly. Oh, and eventually after the commotion for Mark died down, a number of teary eyed girls whimpered past where we were sitting, and Dirtmonster joined in with them... kind of. She gave them the 'oh my god' ditzy 12 year old routine. It was pretty funny... one came by with a friend who was crying, and it also appeared that she was severely constipated or something. D. asked, "What's wrong with her?", to which the accompanying friend replied something like, "Because she's so happy... she was this close to Mark!" It was hilarious. However, what wasn't hilarious was the paranoia about an actual BR member striding out the gate. When someone came by who looked a bit like Greg Hetson, we jumped up and took off over to the gate. He walked out and away, and I was pretty sure it wasn't him, but Dirtmonster insisted it was. I guess that's still pretty funny to this day... her telling me who he was and all. I expressed my doubts that it was the fabled guitar player, ex of Circle Jerks, currently with the best band of all time, but still she insisted. And you know, it was getting really annoying, because along with telling me who it was, she was also telling me what a big weiner and coward I was, and that... that was really irritating. I had to go for a walk to find a washroom and get away for a little while. While on my adventure away, I found the look alike again, and a couple of guys standing nearby, one of which had a BR shirt on. I asked the fellow fanboy if he thought it was Hetson and explained my situation, and was happy to be affirmed that it wasn't him... just in case my opinion didn't mean enough.
When I went back to my Dirtmonster I had to hug her. She didn't like that, but it was hug her or deck her, and I really preferred to opt for the former. She still didn't like it.
So the concert was great, of course... and even the Blink part wasn't so bad, they were kind of funny at times. We got back to her place where I was spending the night and were down in the basement. I felt affectionate, she did not. I cuddled her to no response.
Shortly after that we broke up over the phone one day when I was playing Resident Evil 3. She told me how not-right things had felt lately, and that maybe she needed a change, and I said if such feelings were coming from or as a result of me, then to just dump me.
I didn't think she would. I thought she'd be a little more willing to work things out with a guy who'd 'made her feel like no one else ever had'. I said I'd just 'score her on the rebound', a little joke when I still thought she wasn't serious about actually severing our romantic link. She said she didn't work like that, and I think that's when I realized, 'Um, what? Is she being serious? She's just going to toss me away?' Not exactly something you'd think to be an easy decision, but...
And but what? Well, I don't know. Here I am, spurned again, feeling bad again, alone except for the sounds of my fingers clacking on the keys and some Green Day on my cd. I live in desolance and destitution. I don't just 'get over' people I love, apparently. To me, well... when I love someone it lasts. And so I shall for the rest of my life feel this torturous love for someone who can often be heard to remark, "I could care less", after accidently hurting my feelings.
Yes, I'm a sad, sad piece of shit. There, hapless reader... happy now?
I would have went insane without her while I was away at school. She was my best friend, and I'll always lover her dearly and always try to remember the good times.
Now, with tears in my eyes, onto the next chapter.
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