I just watched the movie _The Beach_...and my mind drifts across these thoughts. At the onset on the movie, just as I am sure the producers hoped, it was instilled in me the wonders of life, of travel, of new places, people, experiences...

and by the end all I could feel is this overwhelming fear of the future. Different than this fear once was. Where before it was a fear of the unknown, now it is a fear of the known. It is a fear of the quest for making the unknown a thing of memory. It is a fear of never being satisfied with my own life.

There resides in each and every one of us an ideal, a hope, a lifelong plan...a dream if you will. My dream has always been one encompassing the splendor, the beauty, and the essence of life itself. My dream has slways been of living as full a life as I can.

At the end of this movie, a thought thas been creeping into my consciousness since I first formed conscious thought came into focus...It will never be enough. I will never be truly satisfied with my life. There will always be something I haven't done, a beauty I have not seen, a goal I have not met. I will never travel to every far flung place on this world. I have not the time in my life to live the fullest life I seek. What is worse is I have not the courage to push myself to the limit. I am alone...I think alone, oft times I drink alone, and I travel alone. There are things I cannot do alone...a fact I have come face to face with on more than one occasion. Today, when my diving partner was held up at work, it kick started the urgency in these thoughts. With the closing of _The Beach_, with the top down view of my life here on Okinawa...I am already ready to leave this place...yet I scowl at myself for that for where do I go? How do I make the next place more worthwhile than the current place? How do I come to grips with it all?

I have a wandering spirit. Ever since I was a lad I wanted to venture out from the safeties of home. I wanted to go forth into the world. During my years at school there was no stronger desire in me than to leave school behind, to depart from the boundaries of my life as it was, and seek a new path. Going away to Humboldt State Uni was part of that, joining the military was part of that, taking this assignment in Asia was part of that...but it will never end. Everytime I go forth I become unsatisfied after a time, I become unsettled. My consciousness does not allow me to remain in one place for long. Part of relishing the countdown of 452 days until I exit the military is yet one more manifestation of that...not so much just going back to being a civilian, of returning to California, but of leaving my current situation. 

I left Fort Bragg almost a year ago now. Since then I still have not traveled to Thailand, or the Phillipines, or China, New Zealand, or really *anywhere* for that matter. In this year ahead it looks as if I will have the opportunity to do so...yet...
Even If I go to all these places...what then? Once I make it to the Louvre and sit there before the _Raft of the Medusa_ for who knows how long, what then? Rome, Venice, Brazil, Russia? How can it ever end? How do I tame myself? How do I return to California and spend the rest of my days there? I have wanted the return to my home state for so long now that only recently have I really stopped to picture myself there...aside from the house and the job and the music scene...I haven't *pictured* myself LIVING there. I haven't thought much of this wanderlust as it would affect me there...until recently. I need less than one hand to count the number of weekend car trips that I have not already undertaken originating in Cali. I can count on less than one hand the number of trips within the United States that still appeal to me.

What eats me the most if the knowledge that I have already seen more in my life so far than many see their entire lifetime...and yet that is scant comfort to me when confronted with the realization that I will never truly be happy in one place for long.

I want to settle down into a permanent life, to integrate myself into society...the job, picketed fence, wife and children...but at the same time I do not want to, even knowing how I MUST do that very thing eventually...how does one wander aimlessly their entire life? The english word is full of nouns...bum, hobo, transient...and that is the lifestyle my desires call for, a poor, wretched state of being.

Bored. I get bored so easily. With my free time lately...nothing of worth. I am so eager to be out of my uniform and done with work for the week...and yet I have trouble finding something to spend my time doing. A couple of weeks back or maybe even months, I wrote how I didn't want to be alone, that I could only feel at ease if I was going out with my friends...now even other people do little for me. I am one to forever fidget during a movie, while sitting at the computer, at a conference, whatever. My body does not want to be still...ever. 

This is the curse of man, to be restless. I do nothing more than cry into the wind, some would say fake tears even. I prattle on about these things, like it is all so terrible to have a steady job and be "locked behind a desk" and a home...when there are people of this world that literally kill to have even a moment of rest. I know how terrible shallow this all sounds...but I suppose then that I am nothing more than a terribly shallow person.

This life is an exercise in succumbing to the necessity of stability, of finding new things from the old things...of feeling free even while knowing you are trapped.

"Sail away Sail away Sail away" Enya 

current mood:  restless
current music: Enya _Paint the Night with Stars_ 

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