Crappy Movies
A-D


ANACONDA (1997) Sony Pictures Entertainment
Ice Cube's foray into the action/horror genre was pretty damn scary, and NOT because of the snake (which looked like a children's toy). It's about a scientist (Eric Stoltz) who is looking for a lost society. He and his film crew (Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez, et al.) come across the token "mysterious stranger" (played by Jon Voight) and a giant, hungry snake. Voight is good as the stranger and Lopez is good in her tight t-shirts. Other than that, this movie is good for a laugh only.

ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE (1994)
One of those slapstick comedies that may seem to look like crap…and actually is crap! It stars Jim Carey as Ace Ventura, a pet detective who is assigned to locate the people involved in stealing the Miami dolphins' mascot, a dolphin. For this assignment, he is teamed up with a representative from the team's administrative staff (Courtney Cox). Along the way we meet a police lieutenant (Sean Young) who becomes more trouble than expected and witness the kidnapping of famed football player Dan Marino. Even a good buzz couldn't make this movie funny. It's ideal for 7 year olds of all ages and those who like insultingly crappy humor.

ANGEL HEART (1987)
Stunning imagery, overt sexual material and a gritty performance from Mickey Rourke. Those words could have described this movie if it wasn't so lame. It is the story of a detective looking for a missing man in Louisiana, Mississippi, Haiti or some place where they believe in voodoo. Controversial cultic themes and bloody sex scenes made this picture the talk of 1987; however, even a strong cast featuring Rourke and Robert DeNiro couldn't save this Titanic. A steamy sex scene by Cosby kid Lisa Bonet makes this movie bearable at best.

ARACHNOPHOBIA
Director Frank Marshall brings us this chills and thrills-fest that will scare you to the brink of laughter. "Brink" being the operative word here. This movie wasn't so stupid it was funny…it was so stupid it was stupid. Starring Jeff Daniels and John Goodman, this story of a swarm of killer spiders will have you twitching in your seat before the credits end. John Goodman, as an over-the-top exterminator, tries admirably to save this drowning swimmer, but to no avail. It's time to start dredging the river.

ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES! (1980) Four Square Productions
Now this is my kind of crappy movie! Any movie with music containing the lines, "I know I'm going to miss her, a tomatoe ate my sister." and "We tried to negotiate at the first attack; we gave them Alabama but they gave it right back" is an instant classic! This movie coined the phrase, "so stupid it's funny". I recommend it for an evening of intellectual atrophy and stagnation.

AMAZON WOMEN IN THE AVOCADO JUNGLE OF DEATH
No. Really. This is a movie. I can't tell you what it's about because I couldn't stop laughing, but I know it stars Bill Maher (who stretches the limits of his talents by playing a wise-cracking weeny), and Shannon Tweed (B-movie queen and former Playmate of the Year). Don't quote me on this (I don't want to get sued for slander), but I think it also features a very pathetic looking (because she appeared in this movie) Adrienne Barbeau. Plenty of T&A with little plot to get in the way make this movie a must-miss.

BATMAN & ROBIN (1997) Warner Bros.
Batman (George Clooney), who is overly protective and won't let Robin mature, and Robin (Chris McDonald), who is too head strong and, while talented, does not appreciate the need for discipline, team up with Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone), Alfred's niece who was really Commissioner Gordon's daughter in the comics, to battle Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger), who wants to steal the world's supply of diamonds so he can raise the money to finish the research, and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), who loves plants and hates mammals, all the while trying to save the life Alfred, the loyal, father-figure, guru of knowledge who has contracted (coincidently) the same desease as Mr. Freeze's wife. The end. There's so much wrong with this movie, I don't even know where to begin! Could it be the computer-generated effects (which look like high-tech claymation)? Could it be the plot sink holes (like, why didn't Mr. Freeze sell his inventions to raise the money to save his wife?) Perhaps it was the hokey dialogue, the terrible acting, and/or the gratuitous neon? Whatever the case, this movie was not even worth the free pass I used to see it. Don't waste your time.

BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS (1980) New World Productions/New World Video
Cheesy Star Wars- type movie. John Saxon (of Enter The Dragon) is an evil and one-armed starship captain/warlord guy who finds a planet to take over. The planet is peaceful, everyone is nice and abhor killing. They submit easily, except one teenager who takes his transport with its own mind to see an old man on a space station. Our Hero (the teen) leaves with the man's daughter, flies around, enlists aid from a lizard alien, some Observer-type aliens, a warrior woman, and a character NAMED "Space Cowboy" who's from Earth and looks like Andy Griffith. If it sounds cheesy, it is. Perfect weekend movie or late night movie to fall asleep in front of.

BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME (1991)
Marc Singer runs around with his various pets in their mythical fantasy time period and then gets warped into the present day. I'm not exactly sure what happens, as I decided to balance my checkbook, do my taxes, and clean the toilet with my tongue just after the credits ended. I do remember one scene, where Singer and his modern-day ladyfriend are driving around town, and Singer notices the legend "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time" on a theater marquee. What makes the gag even more awesomely lame than it normally would be is the concept that Beastmaster 2 would play in a theater at all, much less be the top-billed feature. Although this movie genuinely sucked, it is more of an annoyance than anything else.

BIKINI CARWASH / SUMMER / DRIVE-IN /etc.
I lumped all the "bikini" series movies together. I don't know if they were made by the same company, and they do not want for naughty nymphettes, but these movies always run on Skinemax and I never bother paying attention to the plot, so they might as well be the same movie. They star: Roxanne Blaze, Tawny Kitaen, Linnea Quiqley, [insert bimbo here]. One even feature Jeff Conaway (the only Taxi cast member who did nothing else). They are about a bunch of voluptuous friends who run/buy/inherent a struggling company and decide to improve business by working half-nude. Somewhere along the line, "half-nude" gets to "full-nude" and hilarious hijinx ensue. Fortunately for us, none of these movies has a meddlesome plot to interfere with the scantily clad ladies. Check it out.

BLOOD BEACH (1981) Empress Film Production Corporation
"Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, you can't get across the beach!"
The end. Like Tremors, except Tremors is supposed to be silly. Check it out.

CARNOSAUR (1993) New Horizons
This movie is so bad that it should win the "Worst Movie of the 90's" award. It's basically about some scientist that creates a virus that causes all human women to give birth to dinosaurs, then die. Eventually, the scientist gives birth to her own green bundle of joy, then dies afterward. The man who holds the cure to this virus is killed by government disc jockeys, so all the women on the earth are doomed. This movie had a horrible plot, and special effects that were the end result of a budget that wouldn't even come close to the amount of money a six year old would get for his allowance.

CHAIN REACTION (1996)
My GOD this movie sucked! Keanu Reeves and Morgan Freeman (I feel for you, my brother!) star in this action thriller about a man on the run from shadowy forces who want the knowledge inside his head, the secret of nuclear fusion. Freeman is a man with secrets who is trying to keep him alive. The action is fast paced but the characters aren't even 2 dimensional, they're not even 1 dimensional (more like .00765 dimensional). I promised myself I would not think about this movie, but how the hell does graduate student Keanu Reeves manage to outwit (and outmuscle) highly trained government operatives? This movie was a Chain Reaction—it started out crappy and got out of control from there. The best thing about this movie is that it was the first step towards the end of Reeves' feature film career.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN
A young doctor and his girlfriend are traveling along the highway in the middle of nowhere when they hit a young boy. Upon investigation they find that his throat had already been cut. They continue on their way with the body in tow. Upon entering a small town they find that there are no adults to be found. The couple soon find out why, a cult of children has taken over the town having killed all the adults. This is yet another lame movie made from a so-so Steven King story. The producers decided to salt the wound by making two or three sequels (which are crappy by association).

CLASS OF 1984 (1982) Les Productions Karim/United Film Distribution
A 1982 film starring Roddy McDowell and...yes...a young and embarrassed Michael J. Fox (and Salami from the "White Shadow"). A gang of neo-Nazi punks terrorize a high school, sell drugs, incite riots, and skin laboratory animals alive, while Alice Cooper songs rend the air. Then no-nonsense music teacher Andy Norton shows up and kicks some ass! It's kind of like Dangerous Minds gone horribly wrong and cross-bred with The Blackboard Jungle. Mildly entertaining yet incredibly weak.

COMMANDO
John Matrix is a former leader of a special Commando unit who is recruited by an old enemy to carry out an assassination. His motivation? They have his daughter. BIG mistake. If you want gratuitous violence and stupid jokes, look no further! Rae Dawn Chong offers a forgetable performance as the flight attendant who decides to help Arnie on his mission of mayhem, feeding him straight lines (with one-word answers) along the way. Grab some beers, get the guys together and watch this movie for a good laugh.

CONGO
A multi-millionaire desperately wants a diamond that will change the communication industry forever, one problem. The diamond is hidden deep inside the Congo at a fabled place called, The Lost City of Zinj. And oh yeah, the Lost City of Zinj is protected by hundreds of grey gorillas that have been trained to kill anyone who tries to steal their treasure. It features a couple of actors one would soon forget and a talking (yes, talking) gorilla. By the middle of this movie (a $3.95 Pay-per-view mistake), I was packing for the Lost City of Zinj wearing banana cologne. Michael Chricton seems poised to challenge Clive Barker and Steven King for the title of "Worst Movie made from a Pretty Good Book".

CORVETTE SUMMER
This movie stars Mark Hammill in his first post-Star Wars, pre-Empire/Jedi role. He obviously saw the folly of venturing away from arguably the most influential film franchise ever, because he didn't do anything else until after Jedi. Anyway, this movie is about a guy and his car, which he builds and it gets stolen, so he chases after it finding mystery, intrigue and romance along the way. Right. If you are unfortunate enough to find this movie airing anywhere you may want to see how little the human brain can accomplish when it tries.

CRACK IN THE WORLD (1965) Paramount Pictures
Dana Andrews plays a terminally ill scientist bent on tapping the ultimate geothermal source in the earth's mantle. By exploding a thermonuclear device deep within the earth, he unwittlinly starts a crack the earth's crust, threatening to split the planet in two. Obviously, the writer is not concerned with plate tectonics and neither are we. This is a cheesy action movie in the classic sense—mainly, it's old. Check it out on AMC, you'll be amused.

CUTTHROAT ISLAND
Geena Davis and Matthew Modine headline this pirate adventure story. The plot is the classic pirate story of buried treasure and an ancient map with an X marking the "spot". There are no new innovations except that the pirate captain is played by Geena Davis. This movie was not all that bad….it just wasn't all that good. You sit there waiting for something to happen, and when it does, it's like, "that's it?". If you've got nothing else better to do, you can check it out.

DEATH RACE 2000 (1975) New World Video
This movie, starring David Carradine, is one of the best movies ever made!!! The Death Race is a coast to coast race where drivers earn points by running over pedestrians (ever wonder where "50 pts for an old lady" came from…..?). Carradine stars as Frankenstein, a driver who has lost a different body part in each Death Race leading up to the title race (i.e. DR 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999…). Ah, but this Death Race will be different, because…..you'll have to see the movie to find out why! Carradine displays the emotional range of a paper sack in this timeless classic (also featuring a young Stallone as Machine Gun Joe Viterbo). Stinks so bad it makes you laugh incredibly. You won't be disappointed.

DEMOLITION MAN (1993)
This movie is (how do you say in America?) crap. In the 20th Century, there was one super-violent cop (Sylvester Stallone), and one super-violent criminal (Wesley Snipes with the Rodman hair do). Having been frozen cryogenically for their crimes they are accidently released in the future and cause havoc playing cat and mouse with each other. Co- Starring Sandra Bullock and Dennis Leary, Demolition Man, this yawner will run on HBO for the next 20 years. This movie would have only gotten two shits, but for the scene where we're teased into thinking we'll see Sandra Bullock do the nasty.

DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN (1985)
Contrary to popular opinion, this is a comedy. I think. Rosanna Arquette who stars in this disappointing film featuring Madonna in one of her earliest film roles. Something about some chick who gets hit on the head and thinks she's some other chick. Who knows? Only true Madonna fans/stalkers should bother with this eighties comedy dud.

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