Crappy Movies
E-H



EXECUTIVE DECISION (1996) Warner Brothers/Silver Pictures
Sheesh! Kurt Russell in a military thriller that somehow never even gets thrilling. Gets MAJOR points for killing off Steven Seagal in the first 45 minutes. Looses points for making us watch Vanessa Williams act (and not display her true talents!). Plot holes you could ride elephants through, coincidences up the wazoo, and the silliest ending I've seen in a while. We have the makings of a crap classic.

FIELD OF DREAMS (1989)
Guys, it is o.k. to hate this movie, even though it's about baseball. It sucks! One of the most over-hyped movies of all time, seen daily on television stations all over North America, Field of Dreams is an over dramatized tribute to American life...and baseball. Kevin Costner plays his usual all-American, good ol' boy character, who has a dream. If you build it they will come. Costner displays his usual acting range (or lack thereof) and James Earl Jones (who must have been hurting for money) suffers through this embarassment.

FIRE AND ICE (1987)
This is one of those feeble American animated features that appeared in the mid-80s (no comparison to the Japanese work of the same period). It used that technique (name?) where they use live people with cartoon stuff drawn over it or something like that. Anyway, this Sword and Sorcery animated story features a scantily clad princess (kidnapped by the ape-like henchmen of an evil prince named Nekron), a nameless warrior dressed up sort of like Batman-meets-Ator, a rock-stupid blond hero, a lesbian witch, some assorted flying lizard-things, a monster apparently allergic to girls, lots of ridiculous fight scenes, melodramatic music, and many, many fall-off-the-sofa-laughing lines, like: "The next time you bring me one of your little sluts, mother -- I'll squash you like a bug!". While I give it points for the scantily clad princess and the lezbo witch, I found this Heavy Metal wannabe to be lacking in a key area: entertainment value. Nevertheless, the best viewed under the influence of herbal medication (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

FLASH GORDON (1980) EMI Films
Dino De Laurentiis is one tripped out homey. His "vision" of Flash Gordon involved poor acting, cheesy dialogue, half-nude women, and psychedelic effects. I LOVED IT!!!! Sam Jones in his best (only?) role as the title character. Max Von Sydow as the classic Ming the Merciless. James Bond reject Timothy Dalton as the Baron. (I think Capt. Picard even had a supporting role). Post-Modern Sound track by Queen. What more can anyone ask? All I can say is check it out.

FRANKENHOOKER (1990)
From Frank Henenlotter (responsible for Basket Case and Brain Damage) comes another awful offering in the same vein. In what could very well be the most demented Frankenstein idea ever, this is for the sick and twisted only! Film is about a young guy named Franken (James Lorinz, who also appeared in Street Trash) who loses his girlfriend in a freak power mower accident, so he brings her back with different body parts from hookers. Did I forget to mention that only her head remained intact? And did I mention that our star likes to drill (yes…drill) his head? It gives him a buzz or something. Really campy film is dumb and pretty offensive as well, but it's interesting to watch.

FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART 2 (1981)
Now I don't want people thinking that I actually liked any of the other movies in this murderous (on audiences) series. They all get an honorary four shits from me (even the ones I haven't seen). There's one reason why only "Part 2" made the archive: (1)It marked the birth of Jason Voorhees. With him came the rest of the series and about a gagillion other wannabe crappy horror flicks. It is the "father of our crap" (and damn proud of it).

FROM BEYOND (1986)
From Beyond is the story of a scientist named Doc Pretorious (yeah, I know), who invents a machine called the Resonator. This device provides the sixth sense, or ability to see into another wacked out dimension in which all sorts of nasty critters fly around. There's only one catch: he can see them, and they can see him. Pretorious opens up the dimension one evening and gets sucked in. The authorities arrive on the scene and arrest his assistant Crawford Tillinghast, played by Jeffery Combs (of Re-animator fame). Tillinghast gets thrown into a mental hospital for his actions and crazy story. While in the hospital, Tillinghast meets Dr. Roberta Bloch (Barbra Crampton), whom he tells his story to. The doctor decides to investigate Combs' story, so they both go up to the old house where everything happened, accompanied by Ken Foree. Once in the house, a lot of strange stuff goes down. I'll leave it at that. One would expect a little more from the director of Re-animator. Still, this movie is outrageous and bizarre. Check it out.

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996)
Seth and Richard Gecko are two wanted felons on a multi-state crime spree after a daring prison break. After they kidnap Harvey Keitel's family, they cross the border into Mexico and what they hope will be freedom. They head with their captives in tow to a seedy bar to meet their contact. When it gets dark bedlam breaks loose! George Clooney plays his typical "guy with a chip up his ass". Look for Cheech in several charactor roles throughout the movie. Big ups (and I do mean big) to sexy Selma Hayek as "The Stripper" and to Quentin Tarantino for really stretching to play a schizophrenic psychotic killer. This was not an awful film, it just wasn't all that good. Check it out on Showtime.

THE GATE (1987) Alliance Entertainment/New Century Entertainment Corporation/The Vista Organization
This movie stars a young Stephen Dorff and a girl named Christa something-or-other in your typical "what-you-don't-know-about-raising-demons-from-the-bowels-of-hell-using-ancient-symbols/chants/talismen-and-trying-to-control-them-will-kill-you" flicks. It movie begins with a tree being chopped down in some kid's yard. This turns out to be a bad idea, since directly underneath the tree is a gate to hell (whaddaya expect? It's the suburbs). The blissfully ignorant parents leave for the night, some friends drop by, and things which are apparently supposed to be scary begin to happen. A phone explodes, the family dog's head turns up decapitated, and little Claymation demons chase the kids all over the house. Etc. Etc. Etc. Granted, this movie was made for teens, but it ended up looking like it was made by teens. Good napping movie. That's about it.

THE GOLDEN CHILD
Eddie Murphy at his best…still could not have rescued this lost hiker. Add the fact that Eddie Murphy offers an exceedingly mediocre performance and you've got one bad film. Private dick Murphy goes global to save a magic kid from some demon dude. Big ups for the snake lady. This coulda been a contenda, but just didn't work. Bad, but not too severe to be a napper.

GODZILLA'S REVENGE (aka ALL MONSTERS ATTACK and ATTACK ALL MONSTERS and GODZIllA'S LEVERAGE and GREAT CHARGE OF ALL MONSTERS) (1969) Toho
This is far and away the worst of the Godzilla films. In fact, it has the dubious distinction of being the only bad Godzilla film (thus, the only one featured here...). It features some annoying little punk who fools around with a radio and imagines that he's on Monster Island hanging out with Godzilla's son Minya. Minya can shrink to his size and talks to the punk in a goofy Barney-esque voice. There's only one problem: Godzilla ain't got no kid!!! The movie seems to exist basically as an excuse to recycle combat footage from all the other Godzilla flicks. It is a shameful bastardization of the good name of Godzilla.

THE GREAT WHITE HYPE (1996)
I call this one those "fuck you" movies. You know the type: self-serving, pretentious, righteous, in-your-face. The I'm-going-to-tell-you-what's-wrong-with-you-and-everybody-else-whether-you-like-it-or-not movie. You know, fuck you movies. Boxing promoter, Reverend Fred Sultan (Samuel Jackson) is desperate, fight attendance is down and money is low. He's got a plan however, he's going to create a challenger for his fighter James "The Grim Reaper" Roper (Damon Wayans) to beat. The fighter is "Irish" (read "white" in boxingspeak) Terry Conklin (Peter Berg), a white fighter that will get white people to tune in. The "hype" clouds the fact that Conklin is a punk rocker who hasn't fought in 10 years (never as a professional). Jackson is good, as usual (he's actually sleazier than Don King this movie). Damon Wayans and Jamie Fox chip in with their best minstral show routines in this incredibly accurate portrayal of professional boxing. The problem is that the movie mirrored its subject: it was crap.

GYMKATA (1985)
If the title sounds like some crazy martial art which combines the cat-like agility of a world class gymnast with the lethal precision of TV and Movie Kung Fu….you're right! Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Thomas competes in a deathsport against various martial arts adversaries, including the inevitable ninja army. Normally, that would be enough, but I gotta give you more. The fight scenes are cut worse than Tammy Faye Baker's plastic face. The sound effects rival that of the cheesiest Kung Fu Flick. The acting is, well…Kurt Thomas is the star!!! Then there's the scene where Thomas swings on a bar where the white chalk is CLEARLY seen. As is the pommel-horse-disguised-as-something-which-doesn't-look-like-anything-else-but-a-poorly-disguised-pommel-horse conveniently located in the middle of a town of crazies scene. In short, this is a classic. Grab a couple of beers. Take some herbal medication. Sit back, and enjoy this crap!

HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1983)
I remember thinking how laughable this movie was the first time I saw it….I was 13!!! This attempt to make a Halloween movie without the familiar presence of Micheal Myers is dead from the beginning. This story is about a deranged mask manufacturer who has made and sold millions of Halloween masks that will kill any child wearing them on that scary day. When his secret is in danger of being revealed prematurely, he resorts to Myers-style slaughter to prevent detection. Or something like that. Avoid it. Trust me.

HARLEM NIGHTS (1989)
At some point during this root canal of a movie, I had to admit: GOD this sucks! Somebody had the great idea of taking the talents of Eddie Murphy, Richard Prior, and Redd Foxx and squandering them in a blatant attempt at "blacksploitation". Unfortunately, they failed, because at least the "blacksploitation" movies were entertaining! This is the story of Quick (Eddie Murphy) and Sugar-Ray(Richard Prior), the owners of the hottest nightspot in 1930's Harlem. When mobsters try to take over they must run the hustle of their lives to save what's theirs. That's it. Nothing more, MUCH less. And another thing, if you're going to feature no-talent-scracthy-voice-singing Jasmine Guy in a movie, MAKE HER NUDE!!!!

HELLRAISER (1987)
From beyond the Outer Darkness, from the blackest corners of a family's past, from the nightmarish realm of the imagination comes Hellraiser. We tried to send it back, but they refused to accept it. Pinhead leads his Cenobites into a search for a man who tricked them. They search for him in order to give him suffering that will be legendary even in Hell. This movie remains twisted enough to remain interesting, yet silly enough to be entertaining. Pinhead steals the show, making the 3rd grade dialogue bearable. Check it out.

HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II (1988)
Hmm, we've got this movie. It was crappy, but did kinda well in spite of itself. Should we leave well enough alone, and move on to another project? Naaaaaaaaaah! Clive Barker takes us on a descent into hell in the second Hellraiser (as if the first didn't take us far enough…). The Cenobites including the infamous Pinhead return to show all the true meaning of suffering (which loosely translates to: HELLRAISER); however, Pinhead is about to meet his match when a devilish new doctor arrives at Hell's gates. This movie takes HELLRAISER to a new level: two shits

HELLRAISER III: HELL ON EARTH (1992)
Don't let the name mislead you. It is not a fictional title, it is, in fact, an accurate descriptor of your impending film experience. The first movie was pure psychological horror, the second introduced the culture inhabiting hell, the third is a pure slasher film of the kind popular in the early to mid-eighties. As impossible as it sounds, they actually ruined the series with this installment. Pinhead the anti-hero of the first two installments has been caught and made a prisoner within a statue, his only hope of breaking free is to find and seduce a man or woman with the idea of freeing him. Of course he finds that person and is set free with predictable results. Blood and gore o'plenty mark this edition of the crappy series.

HELLBOUND HELLRAISER IV - BLOODLINES (1996)
I have to admit. I've never seen this one. I included on the weakness of the first three movies. At the rate they were deteriorating, this one just has to suck.

HERCULES (1983)
This 80s version of the Hercules myth stars Lou Ferrigno as the original god of illegal muscle-expanding drugs. In the role, he twitches muscles in an unpleasant and disturbing way, grunts a fair amount, and battles lots of robots (yes, robots) sent after him by the gods. Somewhere along the way there's some nonsense about tasks or something like that. I think there was a reason they didn't let Lou talk on the Incredible Hulk: he doesn't speak English. That's the only explanation for the awful voice-over they use on his lines. It looks like one of the "Emmanuel" movies, where they stop talking well before they stop moving their lips. Wait for the weekend movie for this one…and take a nap.

HERCULES II (1985)
Like any poor crook, the Hulkster just had to return to this scene of his cinematic crime. Lou Ferrigno reprised his role as Hercules for this disaster of a film. This time, Zeus's thunderbolts have been stolen and turned into foes which Hercules must battle. The 1983 Hercules looks like a big-budget hit in comparison to this lame sequel.. Also, be sure to listen to the amazingly cheesy soundtrack... This whole movie sounds like a game of Space Invaders, with worse graphics.

HOWARD THE DUCK (1986)
What happens when a "fast-talking, cigar-chomping, beer-loving duck from a parallel universe" suddenly appears in Cleveland...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Little Richard got a hell of a lot more than this movie could ever hope to offer. It featured Leah Thompson, whose crappy performance hints at her future crap in TV. By the end of the movie, you can't decide who you want to kill most—Howard or Leah!

Back to Crappy Movies


This page hosted by Get your own Free Homepage