Crappy Movies
I-L
INDEPENDENCE DAY (1996) 20th Century Fox
I saw this movie at the world premier. Afterwards, I remember wondering why I didn't love it like everybody else. Then it occurred to me….the movie wasn't very good. Don't believe me? Well how about the scene where the dog narrowly escapes the fire and jumps to safety? How about the fact that this highly advanced alien civilization doesn't have a virus scanning program? I'm not even going to talk about compatibility between a Mac Powerbook and an ALIEN COMPUTER SYSTEM!!!!! Then there was the end where, despite hurling to Earth out of control, Will Smith and Jeff Goldbloom casually walk away from their damaged ship. Need I continue? I think not.
INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE (1994)
This movie has the unique distinction of being one of the few movies that was as good as the book. In this case, however, the book wasn't all that great. Tom Cruise is entertaining as Lestat and Brad Pitt gives his usual zombielike performance in this outlandish attempt to lure teenage girls into the theaters. Big ups to the movie for cutting out all the boring crap that bogged down the book. This movie lacks the blood content to be a true vampire flick, but makes up for it with all kinds of outlandish silliness. Check it out…drunk.
IRON EAGLE (1986)
How about some movie plot mad libs?!? When Doug's [insert friend/relative]'s plane is shot down over enemy territory and the [insert government branch] is powerless to help, Doug takes matters into his own hands. With the help of [insert father-figure], and [insert loyal sidekicks], Doug commandeers some planes and leads a rescue mission to [insert Middle Eastern/Southeast Asian/Central-South American country]. Despite enemy forces and the loss of [insert martyr here] Doug somehow finds the strength, the courage, the intestinal fortitude to pull through. The end.
JAWS 3 (1983)
Where do I start? A 35 ft. shark? Really bad acting from the likes of Dennis Quaid and Louis Gossett Jr.? Oh, I know: this movie was shot in 3D; you know, that cinematic technique which failed in the 50s, only to be revived in the 80s to fail again. Basic plot: The Brody family still hasn't caught on to the fact that they shouldn't go in the water and a perfectly good vacation is ruined when a shark and her offspring turn Sea World upside down.
JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987) Universal Pictures
This movie got two shits for the title alone. The third shit came for the fact that this was the fourth in a series that should have stopped at one. The final shit is for signing Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles to star in it. Never saw the movie.
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (1959) 20th Century Fox
Delightfully crappy in a 50s kinda way, this movie is ideal weekend/late night fodder. It offers that staple of sci-fi movies: the GIANT IGUANA. It features hours of one set rock climbing (shot from about a zillion different angles). You even have a Snidely Whiplash snickering villain. I laughed. I cried. I felt good all over. I have to admit disappointment on hearing it was based (in name only) on a Jules Verne novel. I had hoped this was entirely the creation of some hack writer.
JUDGE DREDD
In the future... one man is judge, jury and executioner. In the present, one man is torturer, subjecting his victims to two hours of living hell…and charging them for it. Sylvester Stallone stars as Joseph Dredd, a street judge that is about to be set up for murder. Many unknowns stand in front of his journey to clearing his name, including the secret of how he came to be (we learn he is the spawn of several greedy Hollywood moguls). It's your generic crappy Stallone action flick: annoying, but basically harmless.
THE KARATE KID, PART 3
By the time this movie was filmed, Ralph Macchio's kids were older than the original Karate Kid was supposed to be. But, since the Karate Adult doesn't sound as catchy, they decided to pass Macchio off as a teen. The final film in the Ralph Macchio- Pat Morita Karate Kid series this finishes the plummet the films took after the original. This one has the two back in California and beating up on the kids that gave him trouble in the first movie. The new twist here is that the evil Sensei from number 1, John Kreese, has found himself a secret weapon to get revenge: a huge, tough, bully. Of course Daniel has some trouble at first but eventually finds out some new tricks and kicks his butt (sound familiar?). You figure if they're going to recycle the same plot a third time, they would at least come up with a new setting for it? We could not be so fortunate.
KILLBOTS (aka CHOPPING MALL) (1986)
Now this is my idea of a horror film: totally lame and completely unbelievable. I saw this movie originally as Killbots. Saw it again on HBO as Chopping Mall. Evidently, they felt they could make some more money on this movie if they just changed the name and didn't tell anybody. I wonder if it has appeared under any other names? Let's see if the plot sounds familiar: a group of wild-n-crazy teens decide to go party somewhere they're not supposed to be, only to find out that they are being murdered, one-by-one, for their trespass. Now where have I heard that before?
KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988) Chiodo Bros.
This movie is about these…uh, killer clowns, who…umm, come from outer space to…uh, terrorize an unsuspecting populace. The clowns set up a base that looks like a fun house inside. Their main weapon is a cotton candy gun….and popcorn stuff….They kill people and coccoon them in cotton candy to ... do something with them. I'm sorry, I can't continue.
KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977)
It's a shame to the sheer talent, the raw energy, the human spectacle that is Bill Shatner wasted in this flop. I shit you not when I say—in all seriousness—that he is the best thing in this flick; in fact, carries this movie. It's that bad. The movie itself is your typical laugher about some spiders who get transmographied by some human chemical and stake their claim on the planet. I would suggest it for a nap, but it's so bad it keeps you awake.
KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK (1978) Hanna-Barbera Productions
The fact that a made-for-TV movie made the list says something about the sheer quality of this production. Yes, this movie stars KISS, the rock group. Big points for that. KISS had superpowers (for example, Gene Simmons was referred to as "the beast" and he breathed fire). Bonus points for that. This movie is set in a pre-Colossus, pre-Free Fall, pre-Ninja, pre-Viper, pre-Superman Magic Mountain (yes kids, there was a time when Revolution was the main attraction). Double Bonus points for that. Factor in a mad scientist (what else?) and a little cloning and you get the Super Double Bonus points. This is one hilarious movie.
THE LAST DINOSAUR (1977)
Again, I must reiterate the prestige bestowed upon a made-for-TV movie which makes this list. The fact that there are a couple here should not cheapen the honor. Such movies are very rare and extremely hard to find. They are collector's items. The Last Dinosaur is about (you guessed it), the last dinosaur. But for the pterodactyls and other dinosaurs wandering about at the end, he's it...the final one….there were no more. He was the last dinosaur. Any way, Richard Boone (no relation to Pat) plays some big game hunter trying to exterminate the last dinosaur. Only, he don't wanna be exterminated. You expect a certain level of cheese as you watch this movie, and it actually exceeds your expectations. The result is an entertaining, funny (not on purpose) movie.
THE LAWNMOWER MAN (1992) Allied Vision Productions/Fuji Eight Company Ltd./New Line Cinema
Who did Stephen King marry? Who did he blow? It must have been someone big, because he came out with a movie-a-month during the late 80s-early 90s. Yo, Stevie, a bit of advice: when you sell out, you gotta retain creative control of your work! Of all the crappy Stephen King movies, this one had to be the crappiest. A guy performs virtual reality experiments on his Forrest Gump-type gardener, somehow turning him into a super-genius with psychic powers. Stony computer graphics can't save this trauma victim of a movie, it's DOA. At least you can thank your lucky stars they didn't make a sequel….or did they?
LAWNMOWER MAN II
They did it. They had to go out and do it. Lawnmower Man was a flop, yet somebody thought they could salvage the project by making a sequel. If at first you don't succeed, blow it all again. You know how, when somebody tells you they farted, you have to try and smell it yourself for confirmation? That's how this movie was. I knew it would suck but I had to go there anyway. If you want to punish your children or break up with your girlfriend, make them watch this movie. Otherwise, avoid it like the plague.
THE LEGEND OF THE LONE RANGER (1981) Universal Pictures
This movie stars Klinton Spilsbury in the title role. Klinton Spilsbury. Sound familiar? Don't worry, it's not you. The plot involves an attempt by some bandits to kidnap the President played by Jason Robards. Over-use of the 'William Tell-Overture' and Spilsbury's unconvincing appearance as the 'legendary' lawman doesn't amount to a hill of beans. There's plenty of bloodless gun play, but you keep waiting for something to happen, and it never does.
LIFEFORCE (1985) Cannon Group/Golan-Globus/TriStr
This movie had it all: it was based on a good book; it was co-written by Dan O'Bannon, who did good movies like Alien and Return of the Living Dead; and directed by Tobe Hooper, who did good movies like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Poltergeist. As one would expect, all these fine elements came together to make an inexplicably bad film. Naked space vampires (that part is cool) traveling in a spaceship in Haley's Comet come to London and turn its population into soul-sucking zombies. The actors are second-rate and the effects remind one of a campy comic book. It does have an exploding Patrick Stewart, and that's cool. Regardless, this is little more than filler when you're waiting for Independence Day (see above) to come on.
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