Crappy Movies
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MASTER OF THE FLYING GUILLOTINE (1975)
In what may be the greatest kung-fu movie of all time, a bevy of martial-arts experts—each with his own unique style--come out of the wood-work to compete in the ultimate fighting tournament. There's an East Indian dude with stretch-o-matic arms (no shit). There's a super fast chick who embarrasses unsuspecting opponents. There's a one-armed boxer who—since he's only got one arm—is invincible. And then there's him: the master of the flying guillotine. You just know he's bad ass because he's old and blind (never, and I mean never, step to an old blind Chinese dude!). Anyway, he's got this…flying guillotine thing—it's a spiked beanie on a long chain. When it lands on your head, a razor collar drops down over your neck and voila! off with your head! The films ends with the best ever final battle between the one-armed boxer and the master of the flying guillotine. Basically, this movie is Mortal Kombat/Street Fighter on the big screen. It is a must see!
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
Anybody younger than 18 years old probably won't remember this movie that was based on the toy. Or was the toy that was based on the cartoon? Or was the cartoon based on the toy? Whatever. If you don't remember it, you're lucky. He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) must battle the evil Skeletor (Frank Langelia) for Castle GreySkull because he who controls the castle controls the Universe. This movie sees the heroes fleeing imminent defeat at the hands of their age-old enemies and ending up on Earth where they are helped by a couple of earth kids (one of whom is a young Courtney Cox) in their attempt to return to Eternia. It's your basic crap, but won't result in any permanent damage.
MEGA FORCE (1982) Northshore Investments Ltd./Golden Harvest Productions
Another "so stupid it was funny" offering. This movie had to be a joke; there's no way in hell they thought this was a good production. I think it stars Barry Bostwick as a future wasteland rebel. Either that or he's the leader of a government fight force. Whatever he is, he rides this motorcycle that shoots rockets when you pull wheelies and his buddies drive ugly sand rails. Did I mention that his motorcycle flies? This is a naptime classic certain to cure the worst insomnia.
METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN (1983) Albert Band International Productions
I'm not too sure when I saw this movie. I thought I had dreamed it until I saw it on some other crappy movie site. My nightmare became a reality when I realized that this was a movie, and that it had Bull from Night Court, and that it was originally done in 3-D (see Jaws 3). After much counseling, I came to terms with the fact that I had suppressed the memory of this awful movie. Only by talking about it could I exorcise this demon from my past.
MOTEL HELL (1980)
I saw this one on ON TV. This is a crappy movie! How else do you describe a movie where a sinister motel owner chops up his guests and turns them into meaty snacks? What other words paint the picture of the victims buried up to their necks (with vocal chords cut)—marinating, if you will. This movie even features Wolf Man Jack (if you know who he is, you're really old!) and climaxes with a chain saw fight. It's a keeper.
MY DEADLY FRIEND
Now just hear me out. Promise not to say anything until I'm done. This movie is about a boy genius with a robot and two friends (guy and girl). The girl has an abusive father, who goes over the line and kills her. The genius kid then decides to bring the girl back by inserting the main chip from his robot into her brain. It works. The girl, a little peeved at having been murdered, goes back to the scene of the crime to get her revenge; she kills her father…and the psycho old chick next door neighbor who had attacked the robot (not girl) earlier in the movie. Did I mention that the computer chip gave her super strength? I can't give too many particulars, as I was laughing so hard I missed half the movie. You gotta see this one to believe it.
NATURAL BORN KILLERS—four shits
This movie was a natural born audience killer. It is a "fuck you" movie at it's worst (see Great White Hype). You will not find a more pretentious, self-serving, righteous, egotistical piece of crap anywhere (I challenge you to!) Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis star as Mickey and Mallory Knox, two fugitive lovers that travel the country leaving a trail of bodies and blood in their wake. To his credit, Oliver Stone did package it well; the satire is obvious but effective (he also cast Rodney Dangerfield, which helps). He's trying to make fun of the American fascination with violence (i.e. glorification, consumption of imagery, etc.) The problem with this flick is that it's point is such a forgone conclusion that you spend two hours being force fed what you had already taken as given. America, a violent country? Yeah, right. Next, you'll tell me that politicians lie, Milli Vanilli lip-synched their music, and that the current situation with Saddam Hussein can be directly attributed to the massive influx of U.S arms into Iraq during the early to mid 1980s.
NEW JACK CITY (1991)
This movie may have gotten more shits, but for the young (but effective) cast—Wesley Snipes, Ice T (a pleasant suprise), Judd Nelson (you won't recognize him) and Chris Rock (as a crack head). It also had Mario Van Peebles, whose acting ability rivals that of a turnip. The year is 1986, Reagan is president and the rich are getting richer and the poor aren't getting a thing. Nino Brown (Snipes) is the crack kingpin running the city. It's up to a group of unconventional cops (including Ice T and Judd Nelson) to quietly gather evidence of Nino's criminal behavior and bring him down. This movie really wanted to be Deep Cover (a Fishbourne classic), but misfired on several levels. If you've got nothing better to do (like get a root canal), check this movie out.
NIGHTBREED
What the hell is up with Clive Barker? His book must kick some serious ass! Either that or he must have sold his soul to the devil because his movies suck! Every last one of 'em sucks! NIGHTBREED was the lone exception: it, too, sucked, but not that much. It's about some guy, who wants to become a night creature, who finds the hidden lair of the night creatures, who now find their homes endangered by a frightened town population, which includes a psychotic killer, who is also a respected psychologist. The serial killer either kills normal people or only the night creatures. I'm not sure which. Anyway, there's some silly monster effects, a lame final battle, and numerous unveiled messages about acceptance of those who are different from you. If you order HBO or Showtime anytime between now and 2085, you'll probably see this movie on the rotation.
NIGHT OF A THOUSAND CATS
I'm serious. This is really a movie. I saw it so long ago, I don't know who's in it. I don't even remember what it was about. I just know there were a lot of cats, and it was a crappy movie. The end.
NIGHT OF THE LEPUS
This movie actually sounds scary….that is, until you realize that a lepus is a RABBIT!!!!! It's true, NIGHT OF THE MARAUDING BUNNIES. Oh, but these is no ordinary rodents! These are the most foul, cruel, and ill-tempered rabbits, you ever laid eyes on! One of the best aspects of this film is that the rabbits, somehow, are always in slow motion as they run by and around miniature barns, trees, and such. Classic line (spoken by a policeman at a drive-in movie theater): "Ladies and gentlemen - a hoarde of killer rabbits is coming this way. Your cooperation is appreciated." I would expect a little bit more from a movie starring DeForest "Dammit Jim!" Kelley.
PIECES
Any mother would be horrified to find their son with a naked lady jigsaw puzzle. Any mother who scream and probably slap her son for having such smut. Not every mother, however, would be murdered for her transgression. Fewer still, would have a son who would then proceed to dismember girls with a chain saw and piece (get it, piece?) their severed limbs together—not unlike a puzzle in itself. Even fewer, would have sons who would write, produce, direct, rent, and watch this crap unless they were completely demented. The end.
PIRAHNA
This is the story of a man who frantically tries to stop an animal menace before said menace dines on unsuspecting tourists who are only looking to enjoy their vacation and not to become the main course for some ravenous beast. Or was that Jaws? No matter. This movie had it all: the lame powers-that-be who ignore the facts. The loveable character you just know will bight it at the end. The laughable animal menace (in this case, rubber pirahna). And the classic "Animal Menace" sound which tells you something stupid is about to happen. This movie was almost as bad as….
PIRAHNA II—THE SPAWNING
The fish with wings (yes, wings) on the video box cover should have warned me that this movie would suck. Hell, the first PIRAHNA movie should have warned me that this movie would suck. This movie had everything the first movie had…and worse! If you come across it late night sometime, look for the community access channel. Trust me.
PORKY'S II—THE NEXT DAY
Now, the original Porky's was funny. Too funny. It tried so hard to be a crappy movie that it was actually really good. Thus, it didn't make the list. The sequel? Now that's an altogether different story….The boys of Angel Beach High are back! Today they must stop the plans of reverend Bubba Flavel, a fiery man who wants to close down the school's Shakespeare Festival which he deems obscene. Apparently, somebody decided to take the stupid parts of the first Porky's and make them into a sequel (leaving the good parts out, of course!)
PORKY'S III-PORKY'S REVENGE
Let's see….What to do? What to do? You see, we had this movie. It was crap but it did o.k. at the box office. So we made a sequel. It was more crap and did worse at the box office. What is the (Hollywood) logical next step? Finish the trilogy! It's true(sadly), the sexually frustrated boys and girls of Angel Beach High are back! And so is Porky, the brothel owner they defeated in the first film of this classic comedy series. The hijinks and mayhem continue while they combine their efforts to thwart Porky's schemes. No, this isn't the first movie. Well, it might be. You never know. Either way, it's not Scottish, so it's CRAP!
THE PUNISHER
Based on the famous comic book vigilante, this movie is a non-start, action lacked adventure starring Dolph Lundgren as the Punisher. The Punisher faces a gang of yakuza—Japanese mobsters for cinematically deficient. I think Lou Gossett pops up somewhere along the way, but I'm not sure. It was late and I was buz---I mean, tired when I saw this one. If you like good action then you'll hate this movie; it's a must-miss.
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